How to say goodbye
by CristinaYang4ever
Summary: What would happen if Cristina get on the helicopter with Burke at the end of S2 and got shot? What if Burke had an ex and Cristina found them naked together when she is going to tell Burke that she is expecting again? Warning: Very AU, Burktina central of course, lots of drama, Character death. Let's peel the Cristina oinion and see what's under her heartless exterior.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1 The shot

This begins at the end of S2 except for this time cristina got on the helicopter together with Burke and Alex to do the heart transplant, see what happens next! very AU

English is not my first language, so please put up with my grammar mistakes, and I know nothing about medicine, all the conversations regarding med information are from wikipedia or the show, if there are mistakes please ignore them, thank you!

Disclaimer: GA and all characters belong to Shonda and ABC

 **Cristina's POV**

" There are two donors?" Burke asked the transplant coordinator as we were walking down the corridor, slightly surprised.

" Two brothers tried to pass a semi on a double yellow and came out on the losing end of a head-on. Both are a match for your guy. " He explained as a matter of fact.

" So we just wait for UNOS to decide which one we get? " I chipped in.

" They should decided by now." Burke answered.

" So who's retrieving the other heart? " I asked curiously.

" Took you long enough, Preston." A woman in red scrub and black scrub cap with cherries on it was getting ready to scrub in when she truned to face our direction and interrupted.

 _Who is this woman? They're on a first name basis? A surgeon at seattle presbyterian?_ I was slightly taken back by the sudden voice. Burke looked like he was annoyed by the woman as well.

" Why are juniors here? Your ego get too big for one man to carry? " She continued her sarcasm.

 _Oh, I'm starting to like her a bit, she definitely know him well and they don't seem to get along._ I secretly laughed at my own comment.

" Dr. Yang , Dr. Karev: Dr. Hahn here graduated second in our class at john hopkins. Ask her who graduated first. " Burke chuckled and introduced her to us in a very Burke way.

" God. " Alex signed in disbelief.

 _God, big man's arrogance._ I chuckled at his words without teasing him.

When we got into the OR, the monitor already flat-lined, a doctor was doing CPR non-stop, a nurse at his side was preparing for defibrillator. There was a large bruise on donor's chest.

" What the hell happened to my donor? " Burke asked as he stepped into the OR and wearing his mask.

" He went into v-fib. " The nurse answered.

" I can see that. Give me the paddles. Yang, take over compressions. You gave epi? " Burke quickly took the paddles and started to give orders.

 _This is not good. Whenever he's having that voice, something's going on. This is Denny's heart, we have to get that heart or he won't make it. If he doesn't make it, Izzie won't make it as well. WE HAVE TO GET THAT HEART._ I silently pray that we can get the heart.

" Three rounds, and we shocked him twice." The nurse replied.

" I'm gonna hit him again at 360. Clear." Burke commanded.

The monitor still didn't change.

" He's asystolic." Burke signed.

" I don't get it. The guy's already dead." Alex was confused.

" And now his heart has joined the rest of him. " _Damn it, we can't use his heart anymore._

" So we can't use it? " Alex still couldn't believe it.

" No, Karev, we cannot use it. The muscle is dead, the heart is useless. " Burke replied frustrated.

It suddenly occured to me. " Burke, the other heart! " I reminded him. He rushed out of the OR .

" Stop right now! " We rushed into the other OR and managed to stop it at the last moment.

" Don't move the scalpel, not even a single slice." Burke warned Hahn when she stared at us in shock.

" What happened? Preston, what are you doing now barging into MY OR with two interns and stop MY transplant? " Hahn was clearly offended.

" My donor's heart died. Now I have to take yours."

" Your donor's heart died doesn't mean I have to give you mine! " Hahn snapped at Burke.

" Is your patient higher on the transplant list? Is he higher on the transplant list?"

" I have no idea." She finally replied.

" Well. neither do I. " Burke snapped back at her." Karev, get UNOS on the phone, now! "

" Oh, give me a break! " Hahn ignored us and continued to grab the scalpal.

" Hey, Hey! " Burke stepped forward and tried to stop her.

" What, are you gonna beat me up? "

" If I have to. " " Okay I will hold on. It's pathetic, Preston. Really pathetic." She put back the scalpels and stormed out of the OR. We followed her into a conference room where Karev was already on the phone.

" Your patient is on IVAD, he's probably up and walking around. My guy still needs his dobutamine drip." Hahn tried to persuade Burke.

" That's the best you can do? " Burke wouldn't give in. " He can climb mount shasta on a dobutamine drip."

" As of this morning, Dr. Hahn's patient was 22 hundredths of a point ahead." UNOS officer on the phone stated.

" Well, that's basically a tie."

" Except that patient was admitted into the transplant program before ."

" How long before? "

" 17 seconds." "17 seconds?!" Just at the time Burke's cell phone rang, he pushed it to me.

" Hello." " Where's Dr. Burke? " " Izzie, what do you want? "

" I want to know how the heart recovery is going. "

" He's working on it." " So he's operating now? "

" There were two donors, Izzie. Our guy's heart flat-lined and now he's trying to get the other guy's."

" But there's a list."

" Yes. The higher guy on the list gets the heart." There's a long pause.

" Denny's getting worse by the second. His, uh his sats are in the 80s,70s. His sats are now in the 70s and dropping. "

" Izzie, Izzie listen to me. Burke is fighting tooth and nails for the heart, we are going to do everything we can to get it. But lying about his sats is not an option."

" Cristina he has flash pulmonary edema, you have to believe me. Please, do this for me. What if it's Burke that need the heart? " _I will do everything I can to get him the heart, no matter what._

" Fine. What's his blood pressure? " " 82 over 40." " Okay. Don't hang up."

I returned to the room and whispered the news to Burke. _We are gonna fight for this heart, we are gonna fight for Izzie._

" According to Dr. Stevens, Denny Duquette now qualifies as a 1a candidate for that heart. That puts him ahead of Dr. Hahn's patient. " Burke announced it to UNOS on the phone.

" Dr. Burke, if you want to do echo and ABNP to fully ascertain the status of your patient, we'll allow it."

" That'll take an hour." Hahn projected.

" Is the donor stable? "

" Yes, the donor is currently stable."

" In that case, Dr. Burke, you've got an hour to get those tests. "

I picked up the phone again and told Izzie, " Izzie did you hear that? Get the lab results, NOW." before I hanged up.

Hahn glared at us in anger and left the room.

" Burke, something's going on, we need to talk." I dragged him to the staircase.

" What happened?"

"Burke, she's gonna do EVERYTHING for him to get the heart, EVERYTHING." I looked at him with pleading eyes.

A look combined with confusion, compassion and rage appeared on his face, and I knew he knew what I was talking about.

"What...? You knew she lied and you helped her? What's wrong with you interns? This is crime!" Burke yelled at me

"Burke, I would do the same if it were you that need the heart. Izzie won't make it if Denny died, I don't know what to do now, I can't tell right from wrong now, before this I can, but now? now I can't. I'm gonna go back to the hospital and check on her before she get the labs, Okay?" I grabbed his hand and clung myself to him, tears striking down my face.

" Okay, I will go with you, Karev can stay here and keep an eye on the heart."

he pulled me back and gently wiped the tears off my face, stroking my curly waves.

" Just promise me one thing..." I didn't let him go

" What? "

" Don't ever die on me, if you do I won't forgive you for the rest of my live and I won't make it." Even just imagining his lifeless body lying on the gurney make my heart sting, I couldn't live without him because I'm so in love with him. I couldn't live without him cleaning my mass all around the floor, I couldn't live without having dinner with him, I couldn't live without the coffee and breakfast he made for me even though he knew I wouldn't eat it, I couldn't live without him by my side hugging me. The idea of living without him suffocate me, I couldn't even breathe. He put one hand at my back and started rubbing it. He buried his head into my hair and whispered, "Shh...Shh...I promised you okay, I will not leave you alone. I will do my best." I melted myself into him and wish this moment could last forever.

When we got off the helicopter, a middle-aged man with a gun in his shaking hand was staring at us. _God, he must be the man shooting at the restaurant this morning._ Bang, Before anyone could react, he shot right in the forehead of the nurse waiting for us at the entrance. Immediately, Burke dragged me behind him and tried to calm down the carzy guy.

"Sir, I know this is not what you want, you want justice and you won't hurt innocent people, right? " Burke tried to stop him while making me step backwards with him until there's no way to back off.

"Shut up! you guys think you are god, you think you know everything you think you can decide my fate, no, no you can't! " he pointed his gun at us with desperate tone and shaky hands. Before I knew it, I pushed Burke aside to the ground. Then I heard the gunshot and I felt the burning pain in my heart. My whole world started to fade away. I could feel myself fell on the cold cement. I heard Burke screaming my name and right after another gunshot, I heard Burke mourning in pain. _Is he hurt? Is he still alive?_ I tried to call his name but I can't believe the weakness of my own voice, "Burke, Burke...". He seemed to hear me and crawled to my side. "Are you ok?...where...did u...?" I couldn't finish my sentence because blood started to spill out of my mouth. I could feel his hand pressing on my chest desperately trying to stop the bleeding of the hole in my heart, I could feel his tears streaming down on my face. I gathered my last strength, reached for his other hand and squeezed it hard, wanting to know where did he got hurt. I heard his shattered voice, " Cristina don't worry about me, it's a through and through GSW to my arm, I'm fine..." he choked on his tears, "Cristina save your strength to breathe, stay with me, PLEASE we are outside the hospital hold on for me..." That's all I heard before I blacked out. I wanted to tell him that I will try my best to fight, I wanted to tell him that everything is gonna be alright. But I can't, I'm too tired, I have to drift to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 Stay with me

English is not my first language, so please put up with my grammer mistakes, and I know nothing about medicine, all the conversations regarding med information are from wikipedia or the show, if there are mistakes please ignore them, thank you!

Disclaimer: GA and all characters belong to Shonda and ABC

 **Burke's POV**

Blood was spreading all over the floor. I felt my hand smeared with her warm blood, endless blood. The world suddenly became silent to me, the only thing I could hear is the sound of blood flowing out of her body. I tried to stop the hematosis by compression, I tried to wipe off the blood flowing from her mouth, but it wouldn't work, her bleeding wouldn't stop. _I'm gonna loose her? NO, I can't loose her. I can't live without her. I love her._ " Cristina, stay with me, don't give up on me yet. Just stay with me..." Panic starts to spread all over my body, I can't stop my hands from shaking and trembling. At this moment, all the medical procedure I've learned from the past 20 years faded away. I can't think of anything to save the love of my life.

" Dr. Burke, Cristina! Get a gurney here! " Bailey shouted, started to examine the wounds on her chest. " Dr. Burke, is your arm alright? " " I'm fine, save her, I can't stop the bleeding. " " On my count, one, two, three, move! " We rushed Cristina onto the gurney and soon it is soaked with blood. " Page Chief Webber and Dr. Shepherd! We're going to pre-OP! People let's move! " Bailey stopped me ouside the pre-OP, " Dr. Burke, if you want us to save her, you can't go in. Take care of yourself now, just let Dr. Shepherd examine your GSW, okay? "

I didn't reply her, I can only feel weakness, I sit outside the pre-OP and stared at my hands, they are smeared with her blood.

" Burke, what happened? You're shaking and crying, who's in there? " Chief Webber rushed from the corridor.

" It's Cristina, she took a bullet for me, she might have a tear in her heart because I can't stop the bleeding, she..."

" Calm down, Burke. We will do our best to save her. Now wash your hands and wait here, ok? " He rushed into the room.

" Preston, what's going on? You're shot in the arm，let me take a look..." Shepherd came close

" No, I'm fine, I only have a through and through GSW to my right arm..."

 _Although there's a bullet that scratch through my shoulder too, but I don't care now, my privilege now is Cristina._ " I just need you to go in and check on her, Derek." " Okay. "

 **Cristina's POV**

where am I? Why can I see Bailey, Chief and Shepherd doing tests on me? I tried to touch them, to tell them I am right here, to tell them to take their time, but my hand went right through them, and no one seems to notice me. At that moment I realize that I am invisible to them, maybe I'm dead or dying. I can't die, not now, if I die from trying to save Burke, he will live in misery and guilt in the rest of his life. I want him to remember me for his entire life, but not in this way. I want him to love me, to cherish me, I wish I could be the love of his live to the extent that I don't dare to admit to myself that I love him. And this scares the crap out of me, because love is new thing to me, I've never been in a relationship before, the first time I fell for someone, that man who has an ex that he would shout her name in fear in his dream, that man who dumped me when I was about to tell him that I was pregnant, that man who is the opposite of myself and has different belief with me, that man who I don't even know he loves me or he only see me as a replacement for his ex-girlfriend. Still, I took a bullet for him, how stupid am I. I am no longer that almighty Cristina with an extreme edge and self-discipline, because I laid my heart in a man's palm. I can't die now, I have to fight for him. I have to prove that the man that caused me to loose my edge is worth it, I have to know that he can love me back as well.

" I need to do an echo on her, order a chest MRI to see the bleeding site, also order an angiogram to have a closer look for vessels. We need to get her into the OR as soon as possible, she's bleeding out. Who's her health proxy? " Bailey asked anxiously.

" After her miscarriage, she changed her medical power of attorney to Meredith. I remembered her files. " Chief replied

" Ok, page Dr. Grey 911! " Bailey ordered Olivia

Suddenly, the monitor beeped, I can see my heart flat-lined on ECG.

" Give me the paddles! " Shepherd shouted " Charge to 200, Clear! " No change. " Charge to 250, Clear! " My heart started to have a rhythm for seconds and remained flat-lined. " Charge to 300, Clear! " Still no response.

" Come on Cristina, you can't give up! The Cristina Yang I know will hold on to last minute, think of Burke, if you die from taking a bullet for him, he will hate himself for the rest of his life. Think of Meredith, she can't loose you, you're the only family she's left. Cristina, COME BACK! " The OR is extremely quiet right now. _Shepherd is basically yelling now, I rarely see Mcdreamy like this, what an honor. This is so not about me, he must be thinking of Meredith right now. Great, I am a cardio god and now here I am, my body lying on the table and my soul being a ghost looking at my death, and I can't do anything to save myself from this misery. This is just great._

" We got a heart beat! " Olivia shouted with joy, the monitor stopped beeping.

" Oh, no, she has an aortic rupture, let's get her into the OR right now! " Chief barked the orders when looking at the echo and MRI.

The door opened and Meredith came in, watching me bleeding out on the gurney, she couldn't believe her eyes. " What happened to her? "

" Meredith, she got shot, she's having an aortic rupture, we need to do an emergency repair on her. You are her health proxy, I need you to sign the consent forms ASAP. Don't come in, just close the gallery, only you and Burke can watch from there. Are we clear? " Chief tried to calm her down.

" What? Aortic rupture? Where's Burke? He's the best, he should be operating on her. " Meredith rambled.

" No, you know why he can't. Besides he got shot in the arm as well. Just wait in the gallery." Shepherd answered before the Chief, gave Meredith a nod and they transferred me to the OR.

" I need two IV access on her, give her metroprolol and morphine. I am going to do a sternotomy on her. " Bailey ordered Olivia, her hands slightly shaking.

" Bailey, I know it is difficult for you. But you need to be strong to save her, you are her mentor, you trained her how to save lives, now it's your turn to save hers! We will do this together, you're not alone. " Chief tried to ease Bailey. _She's always been a mama bear, protecting and mommy tracking us, strict but out of love._

" Listen, Cristina Yang, I've seen you on this table before, this is the second time. Do not let me see you the third time. You are not going to die, not on my watch. Tenth Blade!" Bailey tried her best to rationalize and began operating on me. _Thank you Bailey, for always be there for me._

" Start the cardioplegic solution, we need to place her on bypass. " Shepherd ordered. " Don't worry, Cristina, you're going to sleep for a while and we're going to bring you back." He continued. _Mcdreamy is really sensitive today, I've never been nice to him, but still he cares about me. He can make a good friend, although I never tell anybody that, but still not a good boyfriend, especially not good enough for Meredith._

" Oh, no no no... she has a dissection in her aortic valves as well. Get me prothetic valves! I need a hand to do the valve replacement so I can go on with the dacron graft on her aorta. " Bailey said with a panic-stricken voice.

" Shepherd, take over my place and help Bailey with the graft, I will do the valve replacement. " Chief made his dicision.

Beep, Beep, Beep-

" Damn it, I can't find the source of bleeding, she's crashing! " Bailey shouted

" Clamp the aorta! I have to defobillate her now, charge to 10 joules, clear! "

The monitor continued making the ominous sound.

" Charge to 20 joules, clear! " Still no change. _Am I dying now? I looked at the gallery, Meredith's face was stricken with tears, she stared at the OR with her big grey eyes full of sorrows and desperation. Burke was vomitting in the nearby trash bin, seeing me naked and sliced open on the table must be hard for him. Well, at least I know now he cared about me a great deal, maybe he couldn't forget about his ex and love me back right away, but I have hope, right? I am not going to give up right now, I'm going to give our relationship another chance. I'm Cristina Yang, no man can resist my charm, no man will see me as an replacement. I can obtain his love one day, I will achieve his love one day._ As I drifted away from my thought, I heard Meredith's voice through the speaker, " Cristina, don't give up right now, you can do this! I love you, I need you, I can't live without you, just think about me and stay with me! " Hearing her desperate voice made my heart sink. I stunned getting a hold of the other voice. It's Burke.

" Cristina, PLEASE, STAY WITH ME, I LOVE YOU, do you hear me, I LOVE YOU, so don't ever leave me..." He choked with tears. I feel like my body was stricken with lightening, like I have waited for this for ages.

" She's back! " Shepherd claimed. This time I felt a force dragging me back to my body, I realized I've come through this now, I'm gonna make it. I took one last look at Meredith and Burke in the gallery with relieved smiles on their face and drifted to sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 After the Storm

In this chapter time may fly quickly, but the blank in between will be filled with retrospective chapters later.

English is not my first language, so please put up with my grammer mistakes, and I know nothing about medicine, all the conversations regarding med information are from wikipedia or the show, if there are mistakes please ignore them, thank you!

Disclaimer: GA and all characters belong to Shonda and ABC

 **Burke's POV**

Seeing her in that OR, being cut open and bleeding out is the worst nightmare I can ever imagine. Everything after she got shot seemed blur to me. The only thing I can remember is the feeling of someone sliced open my ribcage and ripped my heart into half. That's when I finally realized that I love her. I thought I wouldn't be able to love anyone like I loved Katey after she left, I thought I was just together with Cristina out of the guilt that I caused her losing her fallopian tube and the baby. But now I'm sure that I am starting to love her, and I can't imagine my life without her. Maybe I can't love her as deeply as I had loved Katey, but now it's been 2 years since Katey left me for her career, I should move on with my life. After all Cristina took a bullet for me, it's only fair if I love her back. I'm going to take good care of her and I'm going to try my best to love her. She's still heavily sedated to ease her pain, feeling her beautiful silk face in hand, I made a mental note to myself that I'm going to make this up for her although she didn't know about Katey.

 **Cristina's POV**

I can feel someone's holding my hand. I tried hard to open my eyes, a bit dizzy at the bright light, I saw Burke and Meredith resting at me side. I moved myself a bit, tried not to wake them up, they must had a hard day because of me. I took a close look at Burke's arm, it seemed like a regular through and through. Feeling a bit relieved, I felt a bit sleepy again.

" Cristina, you're awake! " That's Burke's voice. I turned my head to his side, his eyes were shining with joy, guilt and relief. I smiled to him, and it made me hurt like hell.

" Cristina, are you in pain? I can give you more morphine. " He sound worried

I tried to open my mouth to give him an answer, but my throat felt so sore that I couldn't form a sound. " It's ok, your may feel a bit sore, that's normal, I'm gonna get some water for you. " He comforted me and walked out of the room.

" Cristina, sorry I felt asleep. How are you feeling now? " Meredith was woken by the sound of the door. I smiled to her and gave her hand a squeeze to tell her I'm ok. " Oh my god, you scared me to death, don't ever do that to me again, can you promise me? " She looked really pale and frightened, I made a mental note to my self that I should change my health proxy so she wouldn't have to make these life and death decisions for me, which might be better for her. I nodded to her, showing her my promise. She burst into tear and held me hand tightly, wouldn't let go. It's my fault to put her in a situation like this, she had abandonment issue, I should have known better. Silently, Burke came back with water in his hand. He gently adjust the angle of the bed and put me up straight. After taking a few sips of water, I finally found my voice back.

" Meredith, I'm sorry, I promise you this won't happen again. Burke, I'm fine, is your arm ok? " He clung me to him tightly and whispered to me, " Don't worry about me, I'm much better than you. Please don't do this to me again, I can take care of myself. Don't jeopardize your life for me or for anyone again, can you do that? "

" I'll do my best. But if it happens again, I'll still do the same thing. Guess I can't live without you, you made me get used to you. " I tried to light the atmosphere.

" I can't live without you either, so do this for me. " He pleaded.

" Ok, that I can do. " I promised him and gently stroked his hair. It came to me why we're coming back to hospital in the first place. I pulled myself out of him and asked, " How's Denny doing? "

Meredith and Burke didn't say anything, they looked at me, their eyes filled with sorrow. I looked around them, feeling a rush of adrenaline in my cavity. " Say something, anything, You're driving me crazy. "

" Ok, but you have to promise that you stay calm. " Meredith finally gave in at my death glare. "Fine, just fill me in. " " Izzie wanted to cut the Denny's IVAD wire, but George stopped her because they can't possibly control his condition if they did that, and they can't get the heart because you and Burke were shot. So Denny didn't get the heart. He didn't make it, he purposed to Izzie before he...and soon after Izzie said yes he..."

" How's Izzie doing? " I felt a lump in my throat.

" She's um...She's mourning, George and Alex are taking care of her right now. Don't worry about her, you've had enough to worry about right now. Just take care of yourself. " It felt like she kept something from me, but right now I'm too tired to ask.

" I guess God knows it...I was part of this so I got shot...and it was all for nothing, he didn't get the heart...Sorry I dragged you into this Burke, you got shot because of me..." I choked on my tears, I was hyperventilating.

" Shh...Shh...don't blame this on yourself, it was no one's fault that a crazy man appeared out of nowhere. You didn't do anything wrong, you're just supporting your friend, Hahn got the heart after all and you really paid for it. You nearly get yourself killed. So stop blaming yourself and get some rest, ok? I'll be here with you all the time, I took a 2-month leave, I'll be with you." He climbed into the bed by my side and patted me gently, his hand crossing my hair just like he did last time after my miscarriage. I felt calmer by his caressing. " 2 month is too much for you...I can call my mother to take care of me...you have lives to save and surgeries to do..." Morphine started getting to me when I spoke.

" Surgeries and patients can wait. They are nowhere near important to me than you do. Now you are my only priorities, so get some sleep..." The rest of his words disappeared as I drifted to sleep. He always knew what is the best to say to soften me.

 **Cristina's POV**

It never occurred to me that one day I would be so eager to leave the hospital, but I do. After 10 days of staying in patient's room doing nothing, I am finally discharged and is free to go. I'm just waiting for Burke. He insisted in putting me in a wheelchair. There he comes. " Ok, baby, we're finally going home." He put me in the wheelchair and rolled it towards the corridor. I chuckled at him calling me pet name when we are alone. He may appear to be a man clumsy at sweet words and blandishments. But somehow he always managed to surprise me in his own way, it's like whatever he said always get to me.

"...Tell me whose damn panties is on the bulletin board! " I heard Bailey yelling at her interns. Meredith was staring at the floor with a blank look. Oh my god, I knew that look, it was hers. She left her panties in the hospital? Who hang this on the board? Did she sleep with Mcdreamy again? A million thoughts were raising through my mind. Okay, she couldn't go through the Mcdreamy drama, being stared everywhere she went again. I would be at home for the next 6 weeks after all so I can take it. I tried to stand up and immediately felt dizzy and nausea. " Cristina what's up? " Burke was bewildered at my attempt. But I can't let him take Meredith's panties so I squeezed him telling him that it's ok and slowly reached the board. I took the panties off the board and apologized to Bailey, "Sorry, Dr. Bailey, my bad. I forgot my panties again. " Everyone's stunned at my reaction. Meredith gave me a grateful look. " Let's go. " I turned around to Burke, trying to reassure him. He knew it wasn't mine but he didn't nail it to the counter although people were glaring at us.

When we were in the car driving our way home, Burke finally asked, " Seems like you have lots of explaining to do, who is it that you took the blame for? "

" I'm not sure, but I had a feeling it's Meredith, she might have done something with Mcdreamy. " I answered awkwardly. " Oh, since when have you become such a considerate friend? Good for you. I should feel honoured. " He snapped at me in a typical Burke way.

" Burke, normally I would kiss you now to stop you from your sarcasm, but you're driving now. So for our safety's sake, don't make me kiss you. " Flirting is always effective. Burke chuckled at my comment and let me off the hook.

 **Cristina's POV**

It's been 2 weeks since I came home. Burke seemed a little off recently, I noticed his hands tremor from time to time. I'm not sure why he didn't tell Shepherd to examine his hands. It disappointed me a little that his tremor might be the real reason behind his leave instead of taking care of me. But I chose to pretend that I didn't notice anything, I'm living in a perfect bubble now and I don't want to break it. So I decided that I would do something else to distract myself while Burke went for grocery shopping.

" Gambin, have you cashed out all my stocks and informed Morrison? "

" Yeah I did, but why would you do that, some stocks are still promising, you could have wait for a while."

" I've already had enough, and I figured it's time to enjoy life, thank you Gambin, for anything and everything."

" My pleasure. If you need me, you know where to find me."

Hanging up the phone, I felt a bit relieved. It is time to do this. If there's anything that I learned from the past year, it is that anything can happen to anybody at anytime. There could be a bomb, a shooter. I could be drowned or hit by a car or blew up tomorrow. Life is short, so I should cherish every moment with the ones I love, and make the best for them. So I'm seeing a lawyer now to make my will. In a certain perspective, it is not dark and twisty, but kind of bright and shiny. I wouldn't have such a sense of loyalty before I came to Seattle.

" Hi Morrison, I'm sure Gambin have filled you in with all the documents, have you made appointment with the bank? "

" Hi Cristina, yea I made an appointment at 2. We could meet first and then head there together. "

" Perfect, thank you Morrison. I will meet you at your office in half an hour."

" See you then. "

I left a note for Burke saying that I would be back before dinner and left.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4 The will

In my story, Cristina did her M.D. in Harvard and she's Lexi's senior. In this AU, Cristina is rich, like crazy rich and crazy genius, both at medicine and at investing. She bought a property wherever she goes, so she has 3 houses- in Boston, Seattle and Beverly Hills. The Beverly Hills one is from her stepfather. Her mother divorced her father and remarried when she was 3, and her father died when she was 9. At the 6 year time slot, her stepfather and her mother don't have children, her stepfather didn't have any child in previous marriage, so both fathers see her as their own daughter. She still doesn't get along with her mother. She was 20 when she finished her first degree and spent only 9 years total to finish med school and residency due to her talent ( this will be explained in Chapter 6). So she was 29 when she first came to SGH. As for why she came to work as an intern? Check it out in Chapter 6!

English is not my first language, so please put up with my grammar mistakes, and I know nothing about medicine, all the conversations regarding med information are from wikipedia or the show, if there are mistakes please ignore them, thank you!

Disclaimer: GA and all characters belong to Shonda and ABC

 **At the office**

" Morrison, I'd like you to know that I've changed you as my health proxy and I would like to leave some instructions for you. "

" Ok, Cristina what happened? It's not like you to make all those arrangements for some hypothetical disaster. "

" Well, I guess you could say Seattle changed me. "

" Clearly it did. Ok, back to the topic. What are your instructions? "

" Firstly, do not sedate me after any surgery, no matter how major and serious the surgery maybe or how it could ease my pain, I would like to stay conscious as soon as the surgery finished and anesthetics went off. And I would like to see you as soon as I woke up, in case next potential surgery won't work so I can make some arrangements.

Secondly, I would like you to allow them to do anything they can to save me, including incubation, chest tubes and organ transplant. However, I would not accept any organ from anyone I know. In particular, Meredith Grey, Preston Burke, My mother or my step father, Miranda Bailey or any of my fellow interns. I would not live on an organ from any of the people from Seattle Grace Hospital or my relative. If I am unconscious and they need you to make the call for me, I would like you to know that. Even if that means I die, I wouldn't sacrifice other's health to save mine.

Thirdly, if there's a complication or anything happen after the surgery that makes me in coma and breathe on the machine, I would like you to withdraw the life support from me if I don't show any brain activity in 2 weeks. "

" Okay, the document is drawn. I will call in my colleagues as witnesses of your instruction, as soon as you sign under me and other 2 witnesses, this instruction will be effective immediately, ok? "

" Thank you, Morrison. "

" Okay, now let's talk about my will. How many cash do I have in my trust fund right now? "

" Your biological father left you with 25 million, plus your step father gave you 50 million after you turned 18, with all those years' investment into stocks of Microsoft, Facebook etc, your fund is now raised up to 550 million now. Wow, Cristina you are full of surprises, how could you manage to succeed in all those investments while you're a surgeon? "

" Well, when I invested my money into those companies I was still in high school, so not as busy as I am right now, plus I have Gambin to help me, and my father worked in wall street, those stocks and analysis were like toys to me in my childhood. Thank you for your compliment. I will leave 50 million to my step father, 200 million to Meredith Grey, 200 million to Preston Burke, 20 million to George O'Malley, 20 million to Alex Karev. And the rest 10 million, leave it to run the fund. After I die, the fund will be transferred to Preston Burke."

" Ok, would you like to transfer them the money in document or in check? "

" I would like to do that in check, but I would like to have 4 spare checks for each, because I'm worried when you hand them the check they would still be grieving and do some crazy things like tear the check or refuse it. I know this sounds ridiculous, but can you make sure that all 5 checks are the same before they are deposited, and if any of them is deposited then the rest will no longer be effective. I will renew the checks once a year since they are only effective for 1 year. "

" I guess the bank will probably say yes to your crazy request because you're their VVVIP, I can tell them later when we go to the bank together. "

" Ok. Here comes the next, I have 3 houses, one in Beverly Hills, the other in Boston and another in Seattle, right? "

" That's correct. "

" The house in Beverly Hills goes to my mother, the house in Boston goes to Meredith Grey, and I want to make sure that Alex Karev, George O'Malley, Isobel Stevens have equal share in the house in Boston. "

" Okay, so all your properties and cash are taken care of. What's next? "

" Next, I want you to help me film these videos and keep them, gather them in a hospital conference room as soon as I die and play those to them. After they saw the videos, you tell them about my will. "

" Do you want them to watch the video and know the will separately or together?"

" Together. Also, I want to donate all my organs except my skin, and I want my ashes to be spread in the OR sink."

" Okay. Do you want me to help you film the videos right now? "

" Yea. Right now. "

 **For Burke**

Preston, this is the first time I'll call you by your first name, and maybe the last time. By the time you see this video, I am no longer existing in this world anymore. I don't know when you will see this yet, maybe by the time you see this we are already married and have a bunch of kids, maybe you will see it tomorrow. I know you are hiding your tremor from me lately, and I guess the reason you didn't tell anybody about your tremor is that you don't trust anyone, including me, and that hurts. Sometimes loving you hurts. Preston, I love you so much that it scared the crap out of me to admit it. I want you to know that you can trust me, I want you to know that I won't betray you or leave you like Katey did. Even if you can't be a C.T. surgeon anymore, you're still the love of my life. Listen up, I will only say this once, Preston Burke, three words, eight letters, I love you, always have, always will. I will love you from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health until death do us apart. You are my first and last man, you teach me how to love. My heart lays in your palm and it only beats for you. I love you, I do, and I just want you to know that.

Be with Katey and be happy. I know you still love her, and I don't have the courage to give up on you and make you really happy when I'm alive because I'm selfish and I don't want to loose you. But now that I'm gone, I want you to fight for the one you love. Be happy with her. But please don't forget me, think of me once in a while.

 **For Meredith**

Meredith, I'm sorry that I can't be with you anymore. I can't laugh at you about Mcdreamy dramas anymore, I can't dance it out with you anymore. I know I promised that I won't leave you alone, but fate tear us apart, and I can't do anything about it, so please don't be pissed off. But there is one thing I can do, I can find someone who can be with you when I can't. I never told you that I met your half sister-Lexie in Harvard. Actually she is the reason that I paid attention to you at the first place, you're both Grey. She's really smart, considerate and has photographic memory. She can be annoying when she's rambling, but you will start to like her when you really get to know her. Lexie should be graduating in two months and she would do her internship here in Seattle Grace. Meredith, please, let her be with you when I can't anymore. I am not your only sister, and you can have a real sister instead of talking to a cold grave. You deserve a real sister, so just open up and let her be your sister, let someone love you.

Now that Mcdreamy is divorced, I can finally say that, be with him, marry him. I know that it sounds scary, but he's the love of your life, you can never get over him just like I can never be over Burke. So believe me, you will never be happy without him. You know what's the problem between you two? He always thinks he's right and he doesn't accept you as who you really are. Sure he loves you, but he only accept the bright and shiny you, not the dark and twisty you. So open up to him, tell him what you really think, talk to him like you talk to me, show him how you love him, and be a better person for him, be bright and shiny for him. Because love is compromise, love changes who you are. You can't just stop letting him love you because he chose someone else over you. Give him another chance, and give yourself a happy ending.

 **For Izzie**

Izzie, I'm sorry that Denny didn't get the heart, I'm sorry that you lost the love of your life. Since you already has the check he gave you, I won't leave you with one more check. I know you always long for a home, so I give you equal share as Alex and George on my house. You have a home together with them now. From now on, nobody can throw you out of your house now. Izzie, I've talked to my mentor in Paris, his best friend is a world-class OB/GYN surgeon, even better than Addison. You can transfer your internship there if you want to change an environment. And I'm not saying you have to, it's just an additional option for you.

Someday you will recover from the loss of Denny. If that day comes, deposit your check and look around you, look for someone that can take care of you, find someone else that can make you happy. I hate to say this, but although Alex is evil spawn, he cares about you, he cares about you a lot. So give him a shot, give yourself another chance to be happy. You are a good person, izzie, so you deserve to be happy.

 **For George**

George, you are a good guy and a good friend. Don't panic about the check I gave you, you deserve it. Although I always said you're not hard core, I didn't mean it. You are not 007 anymore, and one day you will be a brilliant surgeon, maybe not as good as I am, but you will get there. You have your moments, you saved a life in an elevator, that is something. You just have to have faith in yourself, follow your gut and trust yourself that you can do it.

Callie really loves you, so embrace that, cherish that. It is hard to find a woman who can love you as Callie can, so don't let her go easily. Maybe you couldn't love her back right away. But as time goes by I believe you will, just as I believe Burke will love me one day eventually. So don't let her down, don't hurt her. Take care of her, and take care of yourself.

 **For Alex**

Alex, you are like a snail. You hide yourself under your ass shelter so that no one can touch your soft inside. Don't deny it, because I was just like you. Our difference is that I know how to love someone now, but you don't. So quit being so stubborn and let someone love you. Not everyone is like your mom and dad. I know you love izzie, the way you look at her gave you away. You long for a home as much as she does. You came from similar background, you both suffered from hardness, so you're meant to be. Just be patient with her, and stop being an ass.

You chickened out in the elevator, but that doesn't make you less eligible as a surgeon. Everyone scares, I'll tell you a secret, when Meredith saved her first patient, she vomitted outside the hospital. When I finished my first solo surgery, my hands can't stop trembling for an hour. Scary is normal, it is a respect for life. So turn it into your motivation for saving lives, follow your instinct, and be frightened after your surgery. You have all the qualities to become a good surgeon, you think fast, you move faster. Keep up with that and be a damn good surgeon.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5 Silent

In this chapter time may jump to Burke's tremor drama when people found out about the truth and Burke was refusing to do the surgery, but the blank in between will be filled with retrospective chapters later. In my story, everything Burke think that Cristina did wrong, Cristina has a deeper reason behind it that he didn't know.

English is not my first language, so please put up with my grammar mistakes, and I know nothing about medicine, all the conversations regarding med information are from wikipedia or the show, if there are mistakes please ignore them, thank you!

Disclaimer: GA and all characters belong to Shonda and ABC

 **Cristina's POV**

I've been living in total silence for a week now. Burke had a tremor in his right hand due to the bullet causing the through and through wound in his arm. Even though the wound was through and through, it actually scratched the medial cutanous nerve of the forearm, resulted in minor neuronal damage which affected his function of hands and therefore caused his tremor.

He wouldn't talk to me because he thought I am using his tremor to perform surgery for my own good, he thought I was trying to dominate his career and he felt betrayed that the chief knew about it. He thought I told the chief about his tremor after he kicked me out of the CABG surgery, but it was George that told the chief because he was in the gallery and he saw how the suture wasn't intact. George couldn't stand that we put our patient's life at risk. At that night, I came home trying to explain these to him, before I could say anything he just shut the door in front of my face. Then I just lost interest in fixing this, I am always the selfish one. I am always wrong, to him I'm always a baby. George is his guy so he didn't even gave a thought that maybe George was the one who told the chief behind his back.

So what's the point of telling him? He never really trusted me, hell I don't even know whether he really loved me. He would still whisper at night when he's half conscious, " Katey don't leave me, Katey stay for me..." I know his history with Katey Kim, his girl friend in college, she left him for fellowship in Zurich. She slept with their professor, took away his fellowship and left him. Katey is also Asian, also has long black curly hair, and is competitive just as I do. I don't know what I am to him, because he told me that the only thing that has value to him is his hands. So I did everything I could to protect his career, his hands and his pride. Now I ended up living in silence, sleeping in the couch in living room because he shut the door to the bedroom and I can't sleep in the room without him. I had a house and I still can't leave his apartment because I can't sleep in a place without him, even a couch with his scent in his apartment far away from SGH outlast the bedroom in my perfect house just across the street of SGH. I am Cristina Yang, but now I am in a relationship, loosing a baby, moving in and lying for a man who refuse to talk to me now, for a man who I doesn't even know whether he loves me or he just see me as an replacement. He refuse to let Shepherd or anyone operate on him, I want to help him but he wouldn't even talk to me.

Having those thoughts running through my head, I stepped in the OB/Gyn department and found Meredith already waiting for me there. " Hey " She patted the seat next to her, " What took you so long? I've managed to squeeze in an appointment with Addison and they should be calling your name soon. "

" I just finished scut, Bailey hates my guts. " I replied tiredly

" It will be fine, I'll be here with you. " Meredith took my hand and leaned her head on my shoulder

" Cristina Yang " The nurse shouted. I walked in getting ready to face all the possibilities.

Walking out with a sonogram at my hand, I marveled at the wonder of life. I wa s planning to terminate the pregnancy regarding the situation between Burke and me, I almost lost the faith in us and wanted to give up. But seeing the heartbeat of the little 5-week fetus, I couldn't get rid of it anymore. Loosing the first baby is already painful enough for me, and I couldn't go through all of that again. So I decided to tell Burke and gave us one last chance. I know putting hope in a baby to save our relationship is ridiculous, but right now it's the only chance I can think of for us. " So are you going to tell Burke about it? Are you going to keep it? " Meredith sounds worried.

" Yeah. I'm going to keep it and I'm going to tell him now. I told him I have an afternoon shift but I might surprise him right now. I couldn't wait. Can you cover for me in the pit? " I felt a light finally coming through the darkness, imagining how Burke would react when I break the ice, throwing the big news at him.

" Sure. Take care of yourself and keep me updated. " Meredith smiled with a cheerful voice.

I put the key in the lock, rotated it and came in through the door. Glancing through the vestibule and kitchen, I felt something was wrong. A voice in my heart was urging me not to go in, but I couldn't control me legs and my body to head towards the bedroom. There was a woman's chuckling sound coming through the door. Finally I reached the door nob, Burke was lying on our bed, naked, kissing Katey fiercely. " Cristina" He looked up, surprise and guilty filled his eyes at the same time. I felt all the strength fading away, every cell in my body was shouting at me to get out of here. I couldn't hear anything, I couldn't see anything, I ran out of the apartment and downstairs. I didn't know what I was doing or where I was going, I just couldn't stop running. I had to get out of there. A sharp beep woke me from my thoughts. I saw a bright flashlight and I flew back. I heard myself hit hard on the windshield of the other car, rolling down the hood. The back of my head smashed on the paveway. I could hear his voice screaming, " Cristina! " The last thing I could think of is my baby. Sorry my baby, mommy haven't protected you, mommy couldn't bring you to the world anymore.

- **Burke's POV**

I couldn't feel her pulse, she's not breathing. All I could do is keep doing compressions, trying to force air into her lungs. Blood is flowing everywhere from her body, from her head, her abdomen and her mouth. With every compression, blood is spitting more from her body and I could feel her ribs were at breaking point. But she's still not breathing. Breathe, Cristina, please breathe. I could feel her heart beat slower and slower, she just recovered from aortic repair and valve replacement, her heart is not strong enough for trauma this severe. " Cristina, breathe, hold on and breathe, you can't leave me like this, you have to live and hate me, you have to breathe..." I didn't noticed I was saying this out loud until Katey physically stopped me, " Preston, you have to calm down, you are not helping her now. The paramedic can take over..." I didn't hear the rest of her words. I stared at my hands, they're now smearing with her blood. All the fear that I've gone through in the shooting came back to me, I couldn't breathe at the thought that she might die. If she dies, the last thing she would remember about me was I shutting the door in front of her, not talking to her and cheating on her. I didn't even have a chance to tell her that I'm sorry and I love her.

We finally arrived at the hospital, Meredith and Bailey were already waiting at the entrance. " Cristina Yang, female, 28 years old, hit by a car and smashed on the windshield, potential subarachnoid hemorrhage, massive internal bleeding, coded twice on our way here, bp 70/40..." Meredith freaked out seeing Cristina with Katey and I coming out of the ambulance. " Someone page Addison! She's 5 week pregnant! " She yelled at the nurse. _I can't believe what I just heard, Cristina's pregnant with our baby? Is that why she left in the middle of her shift?_ " She's...what? " I froze at the sudden news.

" Grey you're off the case, just watch in the gallery. Someone page Dr. Shepherd, consult her file and phone her lawyer, tell her lawyer to come right now! Let's rush her into the OR! " Webber instructed, he's the only one present that can keep calm now.

" Why call her lawyer, she's not going to die. I'm her health proxy, she needs me! " Meredith didn't understand

" She switch her health proxy to her lawyer after the shooting and left him with instructions under all possible circumstances, Grey you're only in the gallery as her friend, now shut up and call her lawyer! " Webber shouted and rushed the gurney to the OR.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6 Hidden truth

In this chapter time may jump to Burke's tremor drama, but the blank in between will be filled with retrospective chapters later. In my story, everything Burke think that Cristina did wrong, Cristina has a deeper reason behind it that he didn't know.

English is not my first language, so please put up with my grammar mistakes, and I know nothing about medicine, all the conversations regarding med information are from wikipedia or the show, if there are mistakes please ignore them, thank you!

Disclaimer: GA and all characters belong to Shonda and ABC

 _In the gallery_

 ** _Burke's POV_**

Grey rushed in with the other 3 interns, tears streaming down her face.

" Burke, what the hell happened? Why is Katey Kim here? " She snapped at me.

" You know about Katey? How...? Cristina doesn't even..." I'm stunned at her question

" Of course she knows, you said her name in your dreams, how could she not know? WHY IS SHE HERE? "

" She knows...? How could she...? " I couldn't say anything more, I couldn't think right now

" Why is she here when Cristina's hit by a car, Cristina should be heading to your apartment...Oh my god, you bastard, did you cheat on her? "

I couldn't reply a word, too much is going on today, I couldn't understand.

Meredith pushed me towards the wall and screamed, " Do you have any idea what she sacrificed for you? How could you cheat on her? How could you..."

She was taken away from me by the other interns and Katey snapped back at her, " It's not Preston's fault, she ran out into the street at red lights!"

Meredith was speechless and shivering for a moment, she looked at me like it's the first time she saw me, like she saw some kind of monster, " Preston Burke, I have just one question for you, do you love her or not? What is her to you? Is she just a shadow, a replacement for Katey Kim so now Kim is back you are just gonna dump her? "

I still couldn't say anything, it's like I'm glued, frozen at the spot.

" I couldn't believe it! What kind of people did this! She's going to tell you that she's pregnant only to find out that you cheated on her. You always blame her for not taking the steps in the relationship and moving in with you, but you have no idea that she know about your ex all the time. She knew your took your oppourtunity, slept with her professor and left you broken. Your ex left you broken and Cristina tried to fix you. She tried to fix you because she has loved you for 20 years! She couldn't take the steps because she didn't know whether you love her or not all the time! She knew it and she was willing to be a replacement because she loved you for freaking 20 years!"

" What...? " _What is she talking about?_

" Preston Burke, did you remember that 20 years ago, you witnessed a car accident, a 9 year-old-girl and her father were in the car. You tried to instruct the girl to do CPR on her dead when they were struck in the car, but the father died anyway. The little girl was frightened because she felt her father's heart stop beating. You was there for her the whole time and you comforted her. "

 _It suddenly occurred to me the freezing night 20 years ago when I was still in med school. Why did she know that?_ " You're saying that girl is..."

" Yes, that girl is Cristina. Although you didn't manage to save his dad's life, you're like a god to her, the only light in her life. You probably didn't remember, but she asked your name and you told her that you want to be a C.T. surgeon. And that became her life goal ever since. She never realized it but I think she fell in love with you ever since, she wasn't involved with anyone until you. She followed all your research and publish, she went to every lecture you held in Harvard. I think she even unconsciously choose Harvard because you're the guest professor there. She finished phd and md in 5 years and graduated 1st in class. Her step father knew her talent, didn't want her to waste time in intern years so he sent her to work under his friend in Paris. She could perform final year residency surgery in her first year residency, so she has been approved by French medical board to become an attending in 4 years. Have you heard of the famous _Rubestein conduit trail_? That's her clinical trail. She published under her pen name because she's too young and she didn't want people's attention on her instead of her trail. Every patient in her trail signed a confidential agreement not to leak her personal information, so no one knows that she's behind this."

" What? Then why did she...? " I couldn't believe my ears

" Why did she come here as an intern? Because she got stuck in the third trail for printing a functional human heart, the 3D printer now can't do that yet. So she wanted to get out of her father's shelter and came back to state to work. She heard you're working here, but there's no budget for hiring a resident or attending here last year. She wanted to work with you so she came here as an intern. Only Chief knew about her real qualification. She didn't care about her title or status or whatever, she's happy as long as she get to cut and she's with you. You are more important to her than her career, because she came here as an intern to get to work with you. You blamed her for using your tremor as a stone to her successful career? George you blamed her for putting patient's life at risk. That is bullshit, she did these procedures like 100 times, she only did this to nurture your pride, because you told her your damn hands are only thing worth value to you! "

I was totally speechless at Cristina's secrets. Katey flew out of the scene in shame.

" George, you tell Dr. Burke who told the chief about the his tremor? "

" Dr. Burke, I'm so sorry, I told the chief because I saw the suture in the gallery and I didn't want another patient like my dad to go through the risk..." George was ashamed. _What did I do? What did I do to her?_

" You think she betrayed you but she didn't. I guess she didn't tell you because George is your guy and she didn't want you to loose your friend. She never told you any of these because she thinks ACTION SPEAKS LOUDER THAN WORDS. But apparently she's wrong, you are no different from others. You think she's a cold and heartless surgical junk who only cares about her career. But she cares enough to be your girlfriend even if you dumped her when she was about to tell you she's pregnant. She cares enough to be your girlfriend even if she lost a baby and she knew you saw someone else in her. She cares enough to tell you to be the other guy and stayed with us at OR1 with Derek even if you told her to go. She cares enough to took a bullet for you and nearly killed herself trying to protect you. She cares enough to lie for you and stick with you even if all she get is punishment and cold stares. She cares enough to want to keep the baby and tell you to cheer you up and talk you into doing the surgery even if you refused to talk to her. What did she get? She lost one baby, one fallopian tube. She got an aorta repair and valve replacement. She lived in silence for 1 week. She saw her boyfriend cheating on her and got hit by a car. She's about to loose her baby and her own life."

"Enough. Stop it, just stop it..." I feel like I couldn't breathe. The whole gallery was extremely quiet and shocked by the outbreak.

" NO. You have no right to tell me when to stop. You want to know how I know all these? She didn't tell me, I stole her diary everyday, photocopy it and read it so I know everything about her. She had no idea that I knew her secrets. She has been a genius her whole life, her father worked in Wall street and left her with a fund and talent in investing. Her step father has no child other than her, he also gave her a fund and taught her skills to be a surgeon. She is an attending at 27 and has her own world famous trail. She's unbelievably rich, success in career, young and beautiful. You know what's the only mistake she made in her life? YOU, PRESTON BURKE. Falling in love with you is the single and biggest mistake she made in her life. You don't deserve her. If she dies, it's on you. You killed her. And I want you to regret it every minute the rest of your life. "

She slapped the door and left. I felt numb and nauseous. She's right, if she couldn't make it, I am the one who killed her. I love her, I don't know what I feel for Katey or if I see her as Katey's replacement. I couldn't think right now, but I know I love her. And I can't imagine living in the world without her.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7 Goodbye

Thank you so much for the first few reviews, you have no idea how much they meant to me. Someone actually read my mind and figured out the character death I'm trying to warn you about in summary, and to answer your question, yes and no. You will figure it out in later chapters.

English is not my first language, so please put up with my grammar mistakes, and I know nothing about medicine, all the conversations regarding med information are from wikipedia or the show, if there are mistakes please ignore them, thank you!

Disclaimer: GA and all characters belong to Shonda and ABC

 _In room 2219_

 ** _Burke's POV_**

I'm Preston Burke, I'm raised to be a decent and grateful gentleman. But just as Grey said, I'm an ungrateful jackass to Cristina. I never knew her, I don't know her story, and I blamed it on her emotional shortcomings and self-guard. Little did I know that it's all on me. I am the one who jeopardize our relationship, I am the one who kept dark secrets from her. This is a hell of a day. Suddenly everything that doesn't make sense to me came to light. I'm the selfish chauvinist that broke up with the pregnant intern in fear of his own career, I'm the L'arnacoeur that whispered his ex who broke his heart and put his girlfriend through hell for 1 year, I'm the irresponsible doctor that put his patients' life in danger for his own sake of pride.

Katey is out of my picture now, all those solitude years and sleepless nights wondering why she aborted our baby, slept with the professor, robbed me my fellowship and left me are all gone. All I could think of is the pain I've put Cristina through even before our relationship began.

I took her love and altruism for granted even in silent fight because deep down I know she loved me too much to leave me. The thought of loosing the woman that loved me the most in this world choked me. Karma is indeed capricious. I hated katey for breaking my heart, yet I still loved her, she hold a carrot and I'll chase after her. But I did the same to Cristina, even worse, I might kill her and already killed our baby.

Grey asked me whether I see Cristina as a replacement. Maybe subconsciously I did at the beginning, maybe that's why I bought her a coffee. I always thought that's because she appeared at the right time when I'm at a bottleneck of my job and Shepherd came along, I felt unsafe and threatened at the one thing I am good at, at the time I needed some comfort she appeared. Her worship for me as a surgeon and a person initiated the chemist between us. I never thought myself as the man using his girlfriend as a replacement and I never know that I would whisper Katey's name in my dream. To be honest I still don't know what I feel for Katey right now, this all happened in a blink of an eye. I needed more time to figure out what I truly felt for her. However, there's one thing I am sure now. I was in love with Cristina. She's my air, I got so used to her and the mess Katey left me with that I didn't realize the feeling I had for her was love. I had loved her ever since I saw her at the staircase grieving for the loss of Liz Fallon. Is it too late now? Cristina, please live, because I don't know how to live in this world without you now. I love you, so please live for me. I haven't even tell you that I love you, I can't imagine the last thing you saw was me cheating on you. So please, baby, wake up. You never cease to amaze me, so this time won't be an exception, right? Just open your eyes for me, Please.

 **Cristina's POV**

 _It was so dark. I saw dad smiling and waving to me, I could hear him stating how proud he is that I've become everything he had dreamed me to become. Am I dead? I can't die right now because I have to ask him why he did this do me, I have to ask him the one question I was always too scared to ask in fear of him leaving me- does he love me? So dad, just wait for a second, and I will join you in no time. I promise._ Beep, Beep, Beep- I heard the machine's noise and felt something down my throat. Struggling to open me eyes, I can see him and Meredith at my side, holding one of my hand each. _This tube is killing me. Ouch, my whole body aches._ Feeling my fight against the tube, they both wake up and started to stop me.

" Cristina, listen, I'll tell Bailey to take out your tube since you can breathe on your own now. You were hit by a car, you lost a spleen, and you had extensive internal bleeding. You're still weak now so you need to calm down. Stop fighting us! " Meredith tried to talk sense into me. _Feeling the stitches in my stomach, I know I've lost my baby. Okay, I'll wait until they took my tube out. I really need to talk to Morrison and make some final arrangements. I'm too tired of this world, and there's no more reason for me to live now. Dad, just wait one more second._ Burke tried to say something to me, but I turned my head to Meredith's side and ignored him. Bailey took my tube out. I could see the sympathy in her eyes. " Dr. Burke, maybe it's better if you go for a rest and come back later." She said. I gave her a grateful smile.

" ...Actually..." I tried to say a sentence but is stopped by the sore of my throat and the tremendous amount of pain in my abdomen. Meredith and he immediately handed me water at the same time, I took the water from Meredith and finally finished the sentence. _God, I can feel my life drifting away every second I'm sitting here now. I need to do this fast._

" Cristina, your temperature is rising. Are you in pain? " _He_ asked me worriedly.

" Everyone out. Dr. Bailey, can you find me Chief and Morrison? " I ignored him. _I'll deal with you later, not now._ Meredith shot me an inquiring look, I know she was wondering why I want to see them. I smiled to her and they all cleared out.

" Dr. Yang, I'm happy to see you awake, what can I do for you? " Chief came in with Morrison.

" Thank you, Chief, for everything. I want to donate 10 million to the hospital, I guess that shall put me on board? "

" That's very generous of you, Dr. Yang. Unfortunately, the board can't accept a seat as a staff in our hospital. " He seemed surprised by my request.

" That will do as well, only under one condition. " " What's that? "

" With all due respect, Sir. I will only donate 10 million dollars to the hospital if you promise me if Burke agreed to take surgery to repair his hand, which he will, you cannot fire him if he cannot operate in a long time. You will wait until he's ready and during this time, he could do administration job and the Board _will_ offer him a seat until he fully recovered. "

" Dr. Yang, although I am more than willing to accept your suggestion, I have to negotiate with the Board about the seat. But I can promise you that as long as I am the chief of surgery, Burke will continue to be the head of cardiothoracics department. "

" Thank you, Dr. Webber. Morrison will continue to implement my wish after you negotiate with the Board, please just take it into consideration that if the Board agreed with my request, I may invest in more fund. " _That's the last thing I could do for you, Preston. Take care. I love you too much to see you with another woman so I have to find my dad now. I love you._

" Thank you, Morrison. For everything, can you ask _him_ to come in? " Morrison hold my hand and nodded silently. He knew this maybe the last time he see me in person.

 _He_ walked in. I took a close look at him. His eyes were red, full of exhaustion caused by the waiting last night. They contained so much emotions, remorse, pain, fear... I'm too tired to read him.

" Cristina, I'm so sorry..." He whispered, stroking my hair.

" Don't. Just answer me, choose between me and her. Do you love me? Or do you love her? Just tell me, now or never. " _Trying to figure it out is killing me, and I'm indeed dying. So just tell me._

" I love you, I always have, I just didn't notice that I love you. Cristina, I'm so sorry...but I love you, you hear me? I'm in love with you." I can see hesitation and uncertainty in his eyes. _He didn't answer my second question, he still loves her. So what am I? Just a pathetic disposable replacement? He's just telling me this because he's patronizing me, he's saying he love me because he felt he own me this. This is enough. I'm done trying to obtain your love, Preston. And I can't resent you even after all you did to me and I hate myself for that. I will set you free now. Letting you go is the least I can do for you._

" Thank you for lying to me." I rolled onto my side and retched blood onto the sheet. I can hear the beeping of monitors. I can feel warm blood flowing from my nose, ears, and mouth. I can hear his panick-stricken voice, " Cristina, I'm not lying, I love you, I need you to hold on for me..." He was trying to use the sleeves of his lab coat to wipe off the blood coming from every open cavity on my face. Soon his sleeves were soaked with my blood but the flowing of blood wouldn't stop. " Code Blue, room 2219, Cristina Yang. Code Blue, room..." I spat more blood onto his sleeves. Warmth and life were draining from my body rapidly. I knew I couldn't make it. Darkness was spreading over my vision. I couldn't see anything and I couldn't get warm. I closed my eyes and embraced the darkness.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8 Time has come

In this Chapter Cristina will die ( please don't throw tomatoes etc at me or curse the next generations of my family ), BUT she will come back soon in 2 chapters in a unique way. Does anyone ever notice the OC in the summary? From next chapter on will be retrospective snapshots from her diary and Burke's remorse. Actually I enjoy torturing Burke in this way :-)

Thank you so much for the reviews, you have no idea how much they meant to me.

English is not my first language, so please put up with my grammar mistakes, and I know nothing about medicine, all the conversations regarding med information are from wikipedia or the show, if there are mistakes please ignore them, thank you!

Disclaimer: GA and all characters belong to Shonda and ABC

 **Cristina's POV**

It's funny how I always see myself dying as a ghost wondering around when nobody can acknowledge my existence. This time it's really over I guess. There's just have too much damage in my body, the pressure of aortic repair on my body hasn't gone yet after two and a half month, there's no way my heart can sustain a body hit by a car now even if I fight like hell. Let alone there's no fight in me at all. My mother doesn't care about me that much. Saul may be upset for a while, but after all I'm not really his daughter and he can go through this. Meredith is strong, and she has Derek by her side, he always bring the best out of her, no doubt this time he can help her survive my death too. Burke...he has Katey, he may feel guilty for my death for the rest of his life, but he has the love of his life around him, at the end of the day he will be happy again. The thought of he living a happily ever after with another woman hurts. They say ghosts don't feel anything, but strangely it hurt like hell.

" She's crashing. Damn it, it's D.I.C." Bailey shouted, frustrated than I have ever seen her to be. _Back in med school, our teacher used to joke how the spelling D.I.C was close to DIE, and seeing D.I.C after a major surgery could typically guarantee death._

" Damn, it's her heart, her heart is too weak and now her body is at risk too. Can you find the source of bleeding? " Derek seemed on edge as well.

Meredith was sitting by the wall outside the room, she's hyperventilating, tears couldn't stop flowing along her cheeks. George and Izzie were at her side, gently stroking her back, trying to calm her down. _I'm sorry, Mer. I never thought I will be the one leaving you first, not after the whole crazy put-your-hand-in-the-bomb-chest incident. But my heart will always be with you, besides Derek and Lexie can fill my spot. Please take care of yourself, my person, my best friend, my sister, my family._

He was standing at the corner of the room. He seemed frozen, it's like he's there, but he's not there. I've never seen him like this before. I don't know whether I shall be happy that my death meant something to him, or I shall be sad it is just because he's such a gentleman that he can't stand a woman and maybe his best student's death on his watch.

It's hilarious that at this moment all I can think of is whether he feel bad because he loves me or it is just because his human nature of guilt that he caused me loosing two babies. Really hilarious, who would think of me- Cristina Yang as the woman that fall for the man who dumped her once and tried to ditch her every time he didn't get what he wanted. I've never gave that a second thought, but think of it maybe I just fell for him because he comforted me when my dad died and he's the only one by my side at the life-changing moment in my life. Maybe I fell for him when he brought me soup when I caught the influenza and caressed me when I was grieving over the loss of our baby he didn't have a clue about.

The chemist between us was so hard to resist, yet there was always something between us. He was not happy for taking every steps in our relationship and being dragged into the abyss of hiding his tremor. I was always doubtful whether he truly loved me or it's just the guilt towards the baby or the temporal replacement of the loss of the love of his life. But I was such a coward that I dared not confront him about that. He was my teacher, although I was already an attending before meeting him, I had crappy bedside manners and he changed me. He brought the best out of me. Before I came to Seattle, I had nothing in my life except for my work. Here I made friends, I was in a relationship for the first time. The invincible robot acted tip and toe towards her significant other because she was too afraid to loose him.

Eventually life has a way to tell you things. It's ironic that never once in my life have I loved anyone more than I loved him, yet I couldn't tell him because I was afraid I would slip about knowing his ex and he would walk away from me, just like he always threatened to do so. If the first baby was just an accident, then the second baby should be a sign that we were not meant to be. We lost so many things in this relationship that it finally came to a point that neither of us could take this anymore- I lost hardcore, two babies and a fallopian tube, he nearly lost his hand, his life and his career. Usually I don't believe in god, I only believe in medicine. But this time I'm gonna take the cue as the time to give up, the time to leave. There's nothing more to live for, nobody can't live without me in their lives.

" I couldn't find the source of bleeding, and she couldn't take another surgery, what do we do? There has to be something to do! " Bailey asked the chief desperately.

" V-fib! Give the paddles. Charge to 200, Clear! " Chief couldn't answer her as I flat-lined again. Derek was doing compressions non-stop.

" Charge to 250, Clear! " The monitor still didn't change. _Thank you guys, thank you all, but it's time to let me go. I'm too tired for all of this._

" Charge to 300, Clear! " Silence filled the room except for the beeping of monitor like the termination of life.

" Charge to 350, Clear! " Bailey couldn't stop doing CPR on my chest, tears streaming down her eyes full of compassions. " Cristina, you can't die like this, Cristina Yang can't die hit by a car. Do you hear me? You can't die. You have to fight. Fight for Burke. Fight for Meredith. Fight to be a brilliant cardio goddess. You have to fight! " _I want to hug her to stop her tears and trembling, I always knew that she's the one looking out for us, loved us like her own children. Thank you Bailey, for everything you taught me. Goodbye, Bailey._

" Miranda, she's out for 15 minutes, we have to let her go." Chief put his hands on top of Bailey's to stop her.

" Time of death, 10:38." Derek signed heavily, dropped his gloves and left the room. Bailey stayed to clean up all the blood strain remained on my face.

Meredith couldn't breathe at the sight of my body lying on the gurney covered with white cloth. Derek gave her a bag and urge her to breathe, but she couldn't breathe and couldn't stop crying. They had to sedate her to make her breathe.

Burke...he was still standing at the same spot of the room, frozen. When they tried to take my body to the morgue, he suddenly moved, pulling himself across my gurney, he wouldn't let them take my body away. He was caressing my face just like old times. His eyes filled with affection. He murmured those three words beside my ear, " I love you, I love you, I love you..." . Everyone was stunned by his sudden outbreak, no one seemed to know what to do. _I felt as if tears would come out of the eyes. I love you, too. And I will never stop loving you. But I'm too tired of loving you. Sorry I had to leave you like this. " Take care of yourself. I love you." I tried to kiss him on the cheek and whispered my last words to him._ He seemed to feel my touch and started searching around the surroundings.

" Burke, you have to come now. Her lawyer had her videos and wills to show you. Meredith was already awake together with the other three. You should come now. " Chief came in. Burke stared at the chief at mentioning my name. He followed him to the conference room without a word. I tried to follow them but I can't escape from the waves of fatigue streaming through my mind. I took a last glance at his back and doze off.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9 Remorse

This chapter will be retrospective snapshots from Cristina's diary and Burke's remorse. Thank you so much for the reviews, you have no idea how much they meant to me. Cristina will be back in no time, I promise.

English is not my first language, so please put up with my grammar mistakes, and I know nothing about medicine, all the conversations regarding med information are from wikipedia or the show, if there are mistakes please ignore them, thank you!

Disclaimer: GA and all characters belong to Shonda and ABC

 **Burke's POV**

 _In the conference room_

She was wearing her brown leather jacket, with her curly hair scattered at ease on her shoulder. She didn't wear makeup, her chocolate brown eyes sparkled when she talked. She looked gorgeous as she always did, I could nearly smell her perfume- a beautiful silky harmony with notes of oakmoss, sandalwood, musk and amber, just like her- an enigma. She seemed so close that I could nearly touch her in the screen.

"Preston Burke, three words, eight letters, I love you, always have, always will... My heart lays in your palm and it only beats for you..." Her petite figure always shown so much determination, listening to her vow amazed me and broke me at the same time. Everyone else in the room was crying, they couldn't believe Cristina can make such a commitment. Meredith kept shooting me death glares while Derek was at her side comforting her. I couldn't believe that she's gone, all the time I spent with her seemed so fresh like yesterday.

"I know you still love her, and I don't have the courage to give up on you and make you really happy when I'm alive because I'm selfish and I don't want to loose you... please don't forget me, think of me once in a while..." She thought I could just forgot her and be happy? No, I could never forget her because I can't live without her.

She thought I still love Katey, but I... it suddenly occurred to me that I don't, not anymore, not after she said she would lie for me if I need a heart and ask me don't ever die, not after she took a bullet for me and nearly killed herself, not after she lived up to her promise and lied for me. She died thinking that I loved another woman, but I love her. Only that I hesitated for a moment before telling her that and she saw right through me. I should have realized this long before. I felt like I am living the nightmare after she got shot again. At that day I admitted to myself that I couldn't live without her and she's the love of my life. How could I be so insensitive and stubborn? I should have known that Katey meant nothing to me long before. I should have tell her that I love her and only her. I should have proposed to her and made a family together with her. I had so many opportunities but yet somehow I screwed up. She laid her heart on my palm and I dropped it, stepped on it, crushed it and smashed it to pieces. I killed the woman that loved me the most on this planet, even my mother wouldn't have sacrificed this much for me.

I felt nauseous. The world seemed black and white in my eyes. Everything after the video seemed blur to me. The lawyer gave me a huge amount of check. I couldn't remember the number, I could only feel everyone's despise look. I don't want anything from her, I just want her back. Why did she leave me with this? I don't need this, I need her back. If I refuse this, will she come back? She will come back and yell at me for destroying her belongings right? I felt a sense of hope rising in my spine and immediately I tear the check to pieces. _Why aren't you coming back yet? Please, Cristina, show up and yell at me._ "Don't bother with it, Dr. Burke. Cristina knew you would refuse or destroy the check physically, so I had some spare ones here, I would always have a new one for you. So just accept it." The lawyer's word hit me hard. _Cristina, why did you do this? I know you're always playing hide-and-seek with me and always managed to find a way to avoid me in this small hospital. Please, stop playing around with me this time and come to me. For once in my life, can you just stop avoiding me, come back and talk to me?_

" Stop it! You have no right tearing her check, you have no right doing anything to her remains. You killed her, deal with it. You want to read her diary? Fine, you can read it but I'm not giving it to you that easily. You cannot get anything more from her that effortlessly. She wanted you to think about her and not forget her. So I will give you one page a day. ONE PAGE A DAY, Preston Burke." With her last word, Meredith slammed the door and left the conference room.

 _Cristina's Diary_

 ** _10th, Oct, 2005_**

He asked me for a definition. I remembered his word clearly, " What are we doing now? Shall we talk about it? " " What do you want? Figure it out! " I don't know what we are doing now. Just as I told him, unlike his valve replacement, some questions don't have answers. Why did he and his stupid boy penis do this to me? I'm Cristina Yang, I'm not going to be the intern dealing with vaginas all the time. I am too brilliant for that, yes, I did a stupid thing, I quit being an attending only end up being an intern here just to work with the Preston Burke. But that doesn't mean I would quit cutting and bury myself in the freaking pick scrub.

I never thought we would end up with more than just colleagues, or mentor and student. It all started with a coffee and impulsive sex drive. I warned myself endless times that it is just fling, but it isn't. Hearing him whispering Katey's name hurts. I actually started to care about him, which I shouldn't. What's wrong with me? I even asked Michelle to dig into Katey's file in Zurich and Johnson in Mass Gen about their dating history in college. Sure, he dated Katey for 6 years from med school all the way towards the end of residency. But that bitch slept with the professor, took his fellowship and broke up with him. How could he still think about her?

Damn, why do I even give a crap about that. Must be estrogen. What should I do with this peanut in my uterus? I would definitely be a crappy mommy and a belly-up intern if I kept this baby. I should abort it, without doubt. But seeing the chicken soup and drugs he put in the on-call room made me hesitate. Damn, why did he do this hot and cold thing to me? One moment he slept with me, came to me with problems and took care of me, making me think he cared. Another moment, he murmured his ex's name at night and making me think I'm just a stupid knocked-up intern by her boss who happened to use her as a temporary replacement to forget his ex. What should I do? Should I tell him? Should I tell Meredith?

 _She actually hesitated about aborting the baby? Why didn't she tell me about that? I always thought she decided to abort it in the first place. I always blame her for not asking me personal questions and not knowing me. How could she stand being a replacement and not even asking me about it? She must been through a lot. Thinking about myself putting her through all the struggle made my heart ache. Cristina, you're gone for a day and I already started to miss you._

 ** _5th, Nov, 2005_**

I've lost my baby. I couldn't believe it. One second I was scheduling the appointment, Meredith and I were puking in the bathroom groaning about how McDreamy didn't tell her he had a wife and how Burke broke up with me like it was business, next second I was lying on a hospital bed without one fallopian tube. It is ridiculous how I lost it after Izzie told me I was right about the patient. I couldn't stop crying even after they sedated me. Because I blamed myself for loosing the baby I didn't want. Did I loose him because I was careless, I drank alcohol, jogged or did something wrong? Theoretically I knew it happened spontaneously, but I couldn't help it.

He caressed me and comforted me when I needed him the most. But he also dumped me when I was about to tell him I had a baby. Meredith was there for me when he wasn't. Meredith was the name listed as emergency contact person, she is my person. He is just an ass thinking about his ex after we had sex. He even wanted to have a relationship. Cristina, you can't have a relationship with a man who's still in love with his ex. Damn, I just couldn't say no to him, it's like he's my teacher, he's always right, I couldn't resist him. Now I see why Mer and I became friends, she is the dirty mistress and I am the pathetic replacement.

What's wrong with these men? Alex wouldn't give Izzie a kiss goodbye after their date, Shepherd wouldn't divorce his wife, Burke wanted to have a freaking relationship after he dumped me for his reputation. And I became that fat, pregnant girl who traded a mon

th post-op and enema only to get away from the psychic telling me about mommy-tracking. What did I get? I get to tell a

cancerous woman that she can't have a baby because she would die. I get to be a human porn machine delivering porn stories to relieve the pain for the poor man while George was performing an open-heart surgery in an elevator. This day is just becoming better and better. Why did I come to Seattle at all?!

 _I wasn't there for her when she needed me most, I wasn't even the first person she saw after the surgery. I was too worried to be seen by others that I couldn't step into her room the next morning before I made sure there was nobody around. I even confronted her about not telling me the baby. I never had any idea about the phychics or the cancerous pregnant woman. Why did I never find out that she was bothered by something while she always know I was upset? Meredith was right, I was just like others, I saw her cold exterior and assumed that she wouldn't get hurt. Cristina, I know I am wrong now. If I beg you, will you come back? Please, I'm begging you, I would do anything for you to come back._

 ** _16th, Nov, 2005_**

Oh, God, I never thought there would be a day I would be saved from an awkward date by someone collapsing at the next table. I had to admit that the surgery was great but why is my life such a huge drama ever since I came to Seattle Grace? Why was he so surprised that I ate red meat? Seriously, I wanted butter, he gave me olive oil. I wanted red wine, he ordered white wine, I wanted to open the door myself, he wanted to be a gentleman. I could even see the sweats pouring down the waiter's cheek.

He so didn't get me. I wanted our relationship to be private, and he went to tell the chief of surgery. Why did he think I didn't want him to tell the chief? It was not about me being kicked out of the programme like I told him. It was me hating the oh-you-came-here-being-a-freaking-intern-only-for-Burke look from the chief. It was me protecting his career because chief would see him as an irresponsible teacher dating an intern while the truth was he was not. Our situation was so different from the Mcdreamy drama. For starter, he is not married and I am not an intern. Well, technically I am not only he didn't know. But how am I supposed to tell him? Oh, I was an attending, I was just stuck at my clinical trial and tired of my over-protective step-father so I decided to come to SGH only to work with you? He would think I am out of my mind. Why did we put ourselves in these situations? Meredith said all this "pick me, choose me, love me" speech only to be dumped by Mcdreamy and I was stupid enough to fall for the man who dumped me and might not love me at all. Crap, did I just say I fall for him? Come on, I'm Cristina Yang, I can't fall for a man, especially not him.

 _I couldn't help but smile at her mention of our first and last awkward date. We are so different from each other but yet we still felt the strong chemist, that must mean something. We are meant to be. But I was too blind to see that. Every morning I walked through the nurse station hearing nurses whispering how stupid and pathetic I was to loose my precious intern. I couldn't go anywhere near the OR because that reminded me of you. I refused to do the surgery. Chief told me that you wanted me to do that. Alright, roger that. I would do the surgery as long as that's what you want. Do I get to forward a tiny request? You would be so pissed if you know your personal life was all over the gossip mill. So just came and yell at them to mind their own business, like you always did._


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10 Keep Breathing

This chapter will be continue to be Cristina's diary and Burke's remorse. I quit GA at the end of S10 because Cristina left. She's my favorite cast in GA so don't worry, she will be back in next chapter.

English is not my first language, so please put up with my grammar mistakes, and I know nothing about medicine, all the conversations regarding med information are from wikipedia or the show, if there are mistakes please ignore them, thank you!

Disclaimer: GA and all characters belong to Shonda and ABC

 **Burke's POV**

 _Cristina's Diary_

 ** _24th, Nov,2005_**

It's thanksgiving day, Izzie and Burke were all excited about the big happy family festival or whatever. Burke was really a neat freak, he basically turned the kitchen into an OR. Watching him teach Izzie and barking orders to her made me feel...jealous. Yeah, I did feel jealous. I was jealous they could get along outside the hospital, I was jealous he could teach her cook. Because outside the hospital I don't know how to be a girlfriend, we don't talk that much, not that I want to. I hated it when he said we had to talk. I just want to do what a girlfriend should do, I want us to be something special other than mind-blowing sex and awkward silence when we were not having sex or talking about medicine. I want to feel needed by him as a girlfriend other than a great help at work or a live-in regular booty call. Damn it, why do I even care? Now I've become this irrational girlfriend jealous about her man teaching her friend how to cook a freaking thanksgiving dinner - which I should have hated and despised. Oh I couldn't stay here watching them anymore, I need to go back to the hospital, get some air, and be me again.

He was mad at me because I did't ask personal questions, and he whined some crap about it's hard to get to know me and his mother owns a restaurant in Alabama. What was that supposed to mean? If I were to ask any personal question, the first thing I would spit would be his ex, and I am damn sure he would be even more pissed. What did he want to hear from me? A happy family story? Wow, should I just tell him that my dad died when I was 9, he was there with me but he didn't remember. My mom was more interested in decorating the house than nursing me, my step-father was always put in between us and didn't know what to do. Jeez, why couldn't he just understand not every family is a happy big union like his, instead most families have some dark and dirty secrets that they would like keep to themselves. So I just prevaricated him with a surgery I scrubbed in that afternoon. I mean what else could I do?

 _Cristina, you could be honest with me, and I wouldn't be mad talking about Katey, I had no idea that I mentioned her name at sleep. I just want to know stuff about you. You think my family was that big perfect model family? No. My mother used to be so perplexed about her skin colour and how dad said she shouldn't be running a restaurant after I was born. They used to fight a lot when I was little. I don't have a perfect family and I understand sometimes people wouldn't want to share certain things. But by saying my mother owns a restaurant I didn't mean to intrude your privacy, I just wanted to get to know you. God, I never knew she read that much into a simple get-to-know-you conversation. That was so Cristina and I should have known better. We should have just told each other what we had in our mind, this way all these misunderstandings could be avoided._

 ** _10th, Dec, 2005_**

He left a key in a mug and asked me to move in. When Mer was complaining about how a one-night-stand guy from the bar should understand there won't be a house, kids and a bright future await, I was stunned at how he could push things so fast. Did he do this because he's guilty about making me loose my fallopian tube and he thought he should just make me his official girlfriend? Seriously, didn't that date teach him a lesson? We had to wait months after the first sex to figure out that our eating habits were complete opposite. What made him think that we could just ignore these differences? And he had the nerve to come and claim that he knew about little details of me and threatened to leave me if I didn't agree to move in. Fine, I showed him my house after the "There's nothing that you could reveal about yourself that I wouldn't want to know" speech, I could never forget that speechless look on his face. I can't believe he still thought moving in was a good idea. He was the first to act so calm after stepping a foot into my place. I guess that changed my perspective over him a bit. Maybe moving in wasn't such a bad idea after all.

 _I couldn't help but chuckle at her pussy comment. We did work out our differences eventually. My smile faded away at the sight of my perfectly clean apartment. I tossed all the towels on the bathroom floor, drop T-shirts everywhere, flipped through all the medical journals and filled my fridge with vodkas, pretending she's still here. The apartment was filled with deathly stillness without her dancing with ipod or watching surgical tapes. I don't know when solitude became such an unbearable torture. Every night I buried myself in her shirt, spooning her bag like she's still here. I used her Shampoo and conditioner to feel her scent. I couldn't breathe without her stuff around me. I still couldn't look at her files with 'deceased' beside her name. I know how the nurses called me 'the walking dead' after my back, but I didn't care. I can't care about anything anymore._

 ** _5th, Jan, 2006_**

Mer called him Mcdreamy again, unbelievable! How could he be so irresponsible to make her fall in love with him again when he was still happily married. Yes, everyone in this hospital witnessed their goofy eyes in the elevator would know that he loved her. But still, if he hadn't hurt him so much she wouldn't have put her hands in the bomb-man's chest. So I told him the bomb girl was Meredith, I knew I shouldn't have, but I did. His reaction was worth it, it assured me at least Mer didn't read him wrong.

I felt the fear I have never felt before today in that OR with the love of my life and my best friend. When Burke urged me to leave, I felt rage rising through my spine. He couldn't leave because he had the responsibility towards his patient and his intern. What made him think that I could leave with my best friend and lover's lives both in danger? What kind of people would that make me? He said he love me to the sleeping me last night. I love him too, I know that. But I couldn't tell him because I'm not sure whether he loved me or his ex more. And trying to figure that out was killing me. I told him to be the other guy, I think he knew that's my way of saying 'I love you'. I was so relieved that they were both safe and sound. leaning in his arms at night, I felt as if I were in the safest place in this world. At that moment I made up my mind, I wouldn't ask him about Katey anymore, if that would cost me him. I don't want to loose him. Replacement or not, I won't bother anymore, as long as I have his arms around me.

 _Grabbing her dress in my hands, I felt empty. Before meeting her, the OR was always my paradise. No matter what happened, I could always find my peace again in the OR. But watching Meredith throwing off her ashes in the sink made me wonder whether I could rekindle the love for anything again. Derek operated on my arm again and the tremors went away this time. Still, I couldn't step into that OR, the OR where she used to lie on the table, the OR where we used to work together against all odds, the OR where I used to search for the curve at the corner of her eyes so I knew she was smiling under the mask. I had to finally accept that she's not here anymore. There's no more 'us'. She's gone. I wanted to escape from here, from the apartment full of her signs, from the parking lot we used to walk out hand in hand, from the cafe we used to make goofy eyes whenever we saw each other passing by, from the surgical board where she used to arrange all my operations and wrote my name. But I can't. I can't stand moving to a place that couldn't remind me of her existence. This is the place I lost her and our babies. This is also the place we met and made love to each other._

 ** _10th, Feb, 2006_**

Derek paged me into the OR to support him during his wake up test. He said Burke might be in pain and fight the intubation. I didn't know what to say, this was the first time I was asked to comfort somebody. " Burke, I'm sorry...I'm so sorry...wake up, wake up..." He opened his eyes but still seemed disoriented. " Wake up, baby. It's Cristina. Open your eyes. Do it for me." I wanted to touch him and caress him, but I'm afraid I would add to his pain apart from the intubation. Suddenly he started to twitch and struggle, his face twisted in pain and fear. I felt like someone was stabbing me by a knife, seeing him in such pain hurt me as well. Derek was ordering me to hold him down, I went to his side and grabbed his arms tightly, " Preston, it's Cristina, I need you to calm down, I know it's painful now but please do it for me..." He continued to cough, gasping for breath, moving his head, struggling to fight the tubes down his throat. I didn't know what to do anymore, I looked at Derek, he just said I had to calm him down.

But I really didn't know what to do...wait...there's one thing I could do for him. I held his chin in my hands and talked to him in the softest voice I could, "Preston, listen, it's Katey, I came back, I came back for you. It's katey, I got you. You're safe in my hands. It's Katey, calm down. Please, I came back for you, at least you need to do this for me okay? There was a complication, but we can fix you. I will fix you. I know it hurts, if you trust me, you need to calm down. Move your fingers on your right side. Can you do that? You can do this. Look at me. Look at Katey. On your right side, Okay? You and me, together we can do this." He seemed to be lucid and started to calm down.

I moved to his side and put my hand above his. "Preston, move your fingers, come on, you can do this. Move your fingers for me. You want me to stay? I will stay for you if you move your fingers. come on, hold my hand. HOLD MY HAND." He coughed again, tried his best and moved his thumb and index finger. " Good, Preston, you're doing good. Now I need you to touch each finger of your hand to your thumb." He stared at me with his teary brown eyes and slowly moved his index finger to touch his thumb. " Good. One...Two...Three...you're doing good, almost there. Keep going. Last two..." Finally he finished his task and they dozed him off again.

Letting go of the breath I didn't realize I was holding, I raised my head and found Derek staring at me with disbelief and sympathy. He must have figured out the whole story. Watching Katey's name had such a big impact on him, I didn't know whether I should jump with joy that the surgery was a success or brust into tears that me being there for him was nothing compared to Katey's return. I felt a sharp pain in my heart. I couldn't stay here any longer so I walked out of the OR and ran towards the nearest on-call room.

 _I couldn't believe I did that to her. The only thing I remembered keeping me lucid was her chocolate brown eyes with compassion and love. I didn't remember what she said, but I am sure that it's her not Katey that saved me from the tremendous amount of pain. It's her and it's always been her. I felt a lump in my throat and threw up. There was red, warm and sticky liquid all over my hand. Is god punishing me for hurting you? If so, am I going to see you soon?_


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11 Renascence**

Yay, Cristina will come back in this Chapter! For the record, this chapter happens at the same time at Mercy West as the last two chapters when Burke was living in the aftermath. It happens right after Cristina "died".

English is not my first language, so please put up with my grammar mistakes, and I know nothing about medicine, all the conversations regarding med information are from wikipedia or the show, sorry if this is the worst piece you've ever read!

Disclaimer: GA and all characters belong to Shonda and ABC

 **Cristina's POV**

It is so silent here except for the beeping of monitors. Am I in heaven? Wait, am I out of my mind, heaven can't have monitors. Moving my hands slightly, I can feel the touch of sheet, the smell of aqua sterilisata. If god exists, he must know me well enough to give me a hospital scene for welcome.

" Dr. Kepner, present the case." A somber male voice said.

" Fiona White, suffer from acute heart attack caused by hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, aka a genetic mutation resulting in impairment of cardiac muscle. A mectomy was performed. BP 100/60, her vitals are stable. " _Wow, this perky tone is so annoying._

" Good. Keep an eye on her. She's my best protege ever. I don't want anything happen to her. Are we clear? " The male continued.

Lights started to reflect in my eyes. _Oh, where am I? This is definitely not heaven, and this is not SGH either. What happened to me? Am I alive?_

" Dr. Thomas..." I saw a red head doctor pointing at me.

" Fiona, you are awake! How are you feeling? " A man in his sixties rushed to my side quickly.

" Um...I feel a bit dizzy still. Where am I? What happened? " _I'm sure I don't know him, but somehow this old man seemed familiar._

" Oh, after you heard about passing your board in flying colors you are so excited that you had a sudden heart attack. Turns out you have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, which I am sure you are unaware of. I performed an emergency mectomy on you. Don't worry, you will be fine. Just get some rest now. Ok? " _So he's my doctor?_

" Ok. Thank you. " I felt a wave of exhaustion and drifted to sleep.

 _A girl's whole life was replaying right in front of me like a movie. Wealthy parents both died of plane crash, left the girl with a huge trust fund and greedy relatives trying to dig gold from her. At the age of 18, she could finally control her own life and no longer needed any custody. She worked her ass off in Duke University's medicine programme and joined Mercy West. Here, she found her mentor- Dr. Ciarg Thomas. He was old-fashioned and conservative, but he filled in the missing fatherly role in her childhood. She lived her dream, passed her boards, she was so excited that she passed out on the celebration party._

When I opened my eyes, I realized that is the memory of this body. Her soul died in the heart attack, and now I'm living in her body. How do I feel now? Panick? Guilty? Fear? Hatred? Looking at myself in the mirror in bathroom, the only thing I felt was irony. It's ironic that a girl was finally living her dream died and a girl desperate to die continued to live in her body. It's ironic that no matter who I am, I would be growing up without a father. It's ironic how I loved cardio with all my life once but now thinking of being a CT surgeon would only remind me of HIM. My heart sting thinking of his name. _No, you can't think of him. You have a new life now, and probably he has one too. You have to escape from him and start to be yourself again. You can't run away from OR or your dream just because of him. Fiona finally realized her dream, you took her body. This is the least you could do for her._ Looking at the date on my phone, I realized I "died" yesterday. Wait, Meredith, she must be mopping over my death. Should I tell her? How do I explain all this to her?

Before I knew, I find myself at the door of Harper Lane House. It has been a week since I found my new identity. It was midnight, Meredith should be off her shift now. I wondered around the door bell, unsure whether to ring it or not. _Should I tell her? I have a fatal genetic disorder now. I could die from a sudden heart attack at any minute. If I die again after telling her, it would be cruel for her. But knowing she's grieving over my death while I am still alive is also cruel. Not to mention if she somehow find out that I didn't tell her, she would never forgive me for that._ At the sound of roaring engine, I turned around and found a pale Meredith leaning on Derek, pacing toward the house.

" Excuse me, can I help you? " Derek asked softly, not willing to startle Meredith.

" Um...I...I'm a friend of Cristina. You must be Dr. Shepherd and Dr. Grey. Can I have a word with Dr. Grey? " I saw Mer's eyes lit up at my name.

" I don't think Dr. Yang has any friend except for her fellow interns, not that I'm aware of. Sorry, I can't let you talk to Meredith alone now. She's mentally drained. You can talk to us both. " He said firmly. Meredith shoot him a look but didn't oppose.

" OK. Can we find a more private place? I don't want to make a big public scene. " I hesitated but continued anyway. _Cristina, you can do this. You have to do this._

" Fine. You can come in if you don't mind. " Derek finally agreed.

 _In Meredith's House_

" Ok. What I am going to say from now on may be crazy, but I need two of you to stay calm. If you don't believe me, that's fine. Just don't tell anyone about me, can you promise me that? " I played my fingers with the cup of water Derek gave me, not knowing where to start.

" Ok. You have my word. " Derek looked confused me but promised me anyway.

" Meredith, I won't tell anyone that you puked after the first rescue mission. " I turned to Meredith. She stood up immediately and shook my shoulder, I knew she got my point. " Who are you? How do you know that? She's the only one who knows that, she didn't tell anyone. " Tears started to form in her beautiful green eyes.

Derek pulled her back and snapped at me in anger, " This conversation is over. Now get out of my house! "

" No, Derek. Let her finish." She stopped Derek and looked at me with pleadings. I knew she might already figure out part of the truth.

" Do you believe _Freaky Friday_ could come to reality? " I still remembered how we mocked at the plot back then.

" What...OH MY GOD...are you saying? " " Yes, yes, yes. That's exactly..."

She jumped with joy even before I could finish my answer. She hugged me so tight that I couldn't breathe. " Mer, give me some slack here, don't strangle me." I patted her shoulder. She finally let go of me with a huge grin on her face.

" You're back! Come on, fill me in. How did this happen? What's your name now? " She rambled on and on, like I would disappear in the next second.

" Hello, I'm still here, not invisible! Meredith, what happened just now?" Derek butted in.

" Shut up! " We yelled at him at the same time and chuckled at each other.

" Ok. Here's the thing. My name is Fiona White now..." I started to tell her the whole story.

 _2 hours later_

" So you mean you're Cristina but you are not anymore? " Derek asked in conclusion.

" Bravo, Mcdreamy. " I clapped my hands.

" Are you planning on telling anyone else about this? I know this is not my place to ask, but did you tell HIM? " He asked hesitantly. " Derek!" Mer was mad at Derek for mentioning Burke's name.

" Mer, it's fine...It's just...no, I didn't. I don't want to talk about it." I felt a lump clotting in my throat, constricting my airway.

" Cristina, I know he's an ass, he did horrible things to you. But he's a corpse now, ever since he watched your video and read your diary, he just stared at his ceiling every day. He didn't eat, he didn't sleep..."

" Call me Fiona, no Cristina anymore, remember? And how did he have my diary? " I tried to change the subject.

" That's not the point, Cris...Fiona. The point is he's dying now. You should tell him." Derek was annoyed at me.

" Cris...Fiona, I hate to say this, but you should think about it. " Meredith suggested.

" What's wrong with you? Mer, you're my person. I am starting a new life now, I don't want to be go back to be this pathetic intern begging him to love me. I'm not an intern anymore, I'm literally a fellow now. Besides, he's only guilty. He will be fine in a sac, he has Ka...don't make me say her name! " I just want to fleed from all of this. This is too much for me.

" Fiona, I found him beside a pool of blood in his apartment, he had gastrorrhagia because he rarely eat and didn't sleep at all. We had to cut one third of his stomach and sedate him so he can sleep. " Derek looked straight into my eyes and tried to talk sense into me.

" What? Is he stable now? Any complications? When did this happen? " I couldn't believe my ears.

" He's stable, no complications. If I didn't check on him every night he could have bled to death alone. Do you want that to happen again? I know you have your problems, but you have to tell him before it's too late. "

" No, it will NOT be too late, not if you keep an eye on him 24/7, he's gonna be fine. " I refused to think about him dying alone.

" You know, she has a point. Derek, we can stop this from happening again." Meredith interrupted.

" No! He needs to know the love of his life is perfectly alive! "

" I am not perfectly alive! Every day in my life now is borrowed, I could die from heart attack tomorrow, I can't do anything about my gene. Do you want me to tell him I'm alive and die on him the next day? Derek, I'm saying please here, please don't let him die. You or Meredith can drive him home and gave him meds to sleep every night. " I was practically begging them now.

" Fine. But you can't avoid your problems forever. You still love him. A blind man can see that. "

" Thank you, that means a lot to me. Can I sneak into his room and check on him? He's sedated, right? " I asked Meredith hoping to god I can see him right now. _I need to see him. I need to know he's ok._

" Of course you can. Come with me. " Meredith agreed immediately and took me to the car. Derek followed us silently, still digesting the stunning incidents.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12 Sneak peak

I forgot to describe Fiona's look in last chapter, she's half Japanese, but she still has black hair and brown eyes, just straight hair this time. Also, she has become older- 32 now, Fiona's a normal fellow not a genius like Cristina after all.

I found some grammatical problem with tense, I'll try my best to correct them.

Disclaimer: GA and all characters belong to Shonda and ABC

 **Fiona's POV**

Standing at his bedside, watching him sleep, I felt the peace I haven't felt for a long time. Although under sedation, he still looked like something was constantly bothering him, with a frown on his face. I wanted to sooth his brows, but I was afraid to touch him. I didn't know what to do with him now. I hated to see him in so much pain. A part of me wished him to suffer the same pain that he caused me, another part of me just wished I could caress him, let him spoon me just like the old times. Tears were swelling in my eyes. I tried my best not to let them fall. _Cristina Yang doesn't do crying and emotional crap._ I kept urging myself to stop acting crazy. Last time when I couldn't suppress my feeling anymore, he was there healing me. Now I was so close to him, yet I was all alone, and maybe would be all alone the rest of my life. _I said to Mer that I don't want to be the pathetic intern anymore. But here I am, lost two babies and died, still couldn't sleep without him, still couldn't stop loving him, still couldn't stop hating him as well, how pathetic is that._

Sometimes if you think about it, love really makes you upside down and miserable. Mer told me that she tried to drown herself and forgot how to swim in the freezing cold water, nearly got herself killed. Derek saved her both time, insisting on giving her the last round of medication. Izzie was still moaning over the loss of Denny no matter how she and Alex felt for each other. George was married with Callie but still didn't know her middle name. Love was like a rapist and rape you in the most unexpected manners.

This was it. I couldn't live or breathe without him by my side, and I couldn't forgive him for cheating on me and made me lost my, no our baby. So I gave up. I begged Mer and Derek to keep an eye on his schedule and made sure he took his pills every night. Yes, I practically begged them. When it was Mer's turn to babysit Burke, she would call me after she was sure he was fast asleep. I would then sneak into his apartment or on-call room, spent a night by his side, and sneak out again before he was awake. I knew what I was doing was creepy and didn't make sense. I tried to hold his favourite tulane shirt, smelling his scent and force myself to sleep. But it would never work. I couldn't sleep without HIM by my side. And I knew he was the same. He would wake up at night, screaming my name, even under heavy dose of pills. He would be semi-conscious when he was in the nightmare. And he would calm down by me caressing his face, stroking his hair and whispering his name to his ears repeatedly. I would wake up from sleep in cold sweat, imagining my unborn babies crashed under the cars, crawling towards me with bloody hands, screaming 'Mommy' to me all the way. Whenever he sensed my abnormal breath, he would clung to me and spoon me automatically like nothing has ever changed. His embrace would calm me surprisingly.

Weeks went by and months went by, he didn't seem to sense any of my existence. I hadn't been caught when he was lucid even once. I guess maybe subconsciously he knew my existence, he just insisted that it was a dream and allowed himself to drown in this dream as long as possible. Before I started to sneak into his apartment, he wouldn't come back home and basically slept in the hospital. But after a while, Mer and Derek didn't have to force him to come home and take his pills. He would go home right after work, fed himself and took the pills.

" You realize this is impossible right? You were sleeping in his bed basically every other day. You must have left a hair on the pillow, some crease in his sheet, and hell even your perfume in his room. How could he not know someone was in his room? He maybe numb and grieving, but he's not dumb. You really wasn't caught even once? " Meredith still couldn't believe what I was doing. If I was told I would be sneaking into a man's apartment every other night a year ago, I would have mocked that person and gave him my death glare.

" I don't know, Mer. I think he knew. Maybe he just thought I was some angel or ghost coming back, or maybe he was just too afraid to confront me, he just thought it was too good to be true. " That was the only reason I could think of.

" Fine, even if this is true. But he WILL find out eventually, how are you going to explain to him that a stranger was in his bed every other night? Derek wouldn't cover up for you if he was asked why he gave you the key, you know that. " Mer wouldn't let me off the hook.

" You can threaten him if he told Burke anything about me then no sex for a week. " I honestly don't know how I would react if he found out.

" I don't want to be horny for an entire week so a big no no, that wouldn't happen. " Mer replied with a knowing smirk on her face, " You suck at changing topics, you know. I just want to make sure you know what you're doing. I don't want you to get hurt or loose you again. "

" You won't. I would come up with an excuse, soon. Just let it go for the time being. " I pleaded her to stop asking questions.

" Okay. I shall go back to do nasty nasty with my boyfriend." She finally gave in.

" Just don't wake up your roommates all night, you know. " I teased her.

" You really is unbelievable." She ignored my comment and walked away.

 _In Mercy West_

"Fiona, are you alright? I found that you act a bit strange lately. I got complaints from nurses about your bedside manners." Said Dr. Thompson.

"Sorry, Dr. Thompson. It won't happen again." _Crap, did he notice the difference between Fiona and me? She's quite competitive like I do, just less sarcastic and more human. But it's normal to change a bit after a nearly-dead experience, right?_

"Fiona, you know you can tell me if anything goes wrong. I know you're a bit scared by this whole fatal genetic disease news, but you work in a well-known cardio programme in the hospital. Whatever happened, we can fix you." He made a promise not to let me die from a heart attack.

"I know, pop. Leave the heart-to-heart talk to me, it really doesn't suit you." My pager rang at the moment, saved me from the cringy situation. "I have to go, ER needs a consult. But thanks for caring." I gave him a gentle smile and ran towards the ER.

 _In ER_

"You paged cardio consult? " I lifted the curtain and stepped in, slightly stunned by the infant on the gurney screaming at the top of his lungs.

"Yes, I've done an echo on him, shows he has a mass on his heart." The red head I recently came to know replied with a compassionate voice.

I felt a wave of dizziness. _This is deja vu, like my nightmare came true. If he has a cardiac tumor, he would be too unstable for us to remove the tumor. But for cardiac tumor, there's no other treatment except for surgical removal. Am I going to let another baby die on my watch? What kind of doctor would I be if I can't save anyone worth value to me in my life. First my dad, then Burke's tremor, now the baby..._

"Dr. White, Dr. White..." I was so lost in my own thought that I ignored the current situation.

"This doesn't make sense. Cardiac tumor is found in the senior in 80% of the cases, a baby can't possibly have a cardiac tumor. Does he have any family history? " I grabbed the chart furiously and started glancing through it.

"No known history for cardiac disorder. But he inherited stage IV melanoma from his mother when he was born. So best guess this could be metastatic."

"What? Even if melanoma is highly invasive, transferring from mother to infant is extremely rare. There are like 3 cases where it transferred to the placenta and another 3 to infant eventually. He's only two months old, he can't even survive chemo therapy." I don't know if I'm trying to persuade Kepner or trying to settle myself for the spontaneous rage towards the unfair world now.

"Dr. White, there has to be something that we can do, right? We can't just let this baby die without doing anything. Look at him, he's a fighter!" Kepner's voice raised slightly, her chest moving violently indicating her emotions.

"Dr. Kepner, he has secondary cardiac tumor, surgical removal is his only option. But the surgery is too invasive for him now. And cardiac cells don't respond to any other therapy. So you and I both know that there's nothing more we can do here. Maybe making him continue to surfer was more catastrophic for him. Just try to relieve his pain and inform his parents." I felt a sharp pain travelling through my spine. _I couldn't stay here for another minute. I have to go._

"He doesn't have any next-to-kin. Her mother was an orphan and a single parent. She died right after giving birth to him. I have to contact social services."

"Just keep him here as long as you can. Don't contact them yet, he's too unstable." The order slipped out of my mouth. I fled from the scene.

Everything after that during the shift was a blur to me. I wondered around in Fiona's apartment. I don't know who I can talk with. Of course, normally I would go to Mer, but she has her own problem as well. Making her and Derek taking care of Burke had already caused enough trouble for her. I couldn't bother her with my problems when she's finally happy with Mcdreamy now. There's no other moment than this when I missed his hug and his voice so much that I couldn't hold it back anymore. I have to see him now. I grabbed the keys and rushed out to his place.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13 the Night

I'm kinda experiencing a writer block now. I had some plots but I had difficulties to put them into words. I'm such a newbie to creative writing... Anyway I forced myself to complete the chapter. I could really use a beta or any suggestions. And thanks for the review!

Disclaimer: GA and all characters belong to Shonda and ABC

 **Fiona's POV**

 _In Burke's apartment_

It was raining cat and dogs outside. Taking the key, my mind was screaming for me to stop right there, but another part of my mind was commanding me to rotate the key and enter that door. He's not asleep now, maybe he's still on call. _If he's right behind the door, maybe enjoying his dinner, what am I going to say? That I'm a crazy ghost coming back from death and I need your comfort now? It doesn't make sense at all. I used to believe in science, not spiritual, not religious. But now I'm a real life textbook for the spiritual, how ironic is that. I'd rather him looking at me like I'm a nobody to him than him looking at me like I'm a psycho. I can't stand the possible u-must-be-crazy strange and disapproving from the man I loved and still love._ Whatever. Steps. This is the last step I'm going to take for this long haul. If this fails, if he can't accept it or even try to refer me to shrink or send me to the police for trespassing, then this is it. I'm not a spiritual person, but this time I'm going to believe in something bigger than medicine once. _I'm Cristina Yang. I'm not going to continue this whole sneaking into his apartment thing. I'm not going to avoid my problem or sugarcoat it. I'm a doer._

I used the key without letting myself flinch further. The room was completely dark. Lights from the street passed through the window. He was sitting at the couch, staring into the hustling and bustling street. He didn't show any response to the sound of door cracking open. He looked frozen to the spot he was sitting, literally frozen.

"You knew. You knew it and you pretended you don't have a clue. Why?" I tried to figure out if he knew my presence in the past month.

"Who are you?" He finally turned his sight towards my direction, not answering my question.

"I don't know who I am anymore. But I think you know who I am. You just need answers, you always need answers from me. Like most of the times, I don't have one. I don't know who I am, I don't know why I came. Maybe I prefer pick ups than forceps, maybe I need a closure..." I was stilling standing at the door, leaving it wide open. He jumped from the couch, rushed to my side and hugged me and put his chin beside my neck like he was trying to take a piece of me with him. I felt warm liquid drooling into my shoulder.

"You're back. I know I'm hallucinating. But this time you feel so real. Don't leave me, don't leave me ever again." He put all his love, compassion, sorrow, desperation, fear and hope into one longing kiss. I couldn't breathe. _He thinks he's hallucinating. Whatever. At this moment, I just wanted his embrace. I just wanted to be with him. Everything else could wait._ He quickly pulled me into the bedroom and discarded my clothes drenched with water. Soon I felt myself melted into him.

 _The next morning_

I was waken by the flash of sunlight shining through the window. Last night's memory struck me immediately. He always had the power to comfort me and calm me down. He always had his control over me even when he thought he was simply hallucinating. When he woke up, he might regret what he did last night. He might even want to throw me out of his apartment. But that's fine. I got the closure and comfort I wanted, he owed me that. I took a look at my pager. It's 7.00 A.M. I had rounds at 8. Taking a last glance at his peaceful face in sleep, I knew this may be the last time I came here. Once, he might think it's just his hallucination, but twice he wouldn't be fooled. I placed a gentle kiss on his forehead and started to pick up my clothes scattered on the carpet. Then I felt his hands holding my waist and wouldn't let go.

"Cristina, don't leave me. I know you're really back. I don't deserve your forgiveness. I just need you to tell me we still have a chance. Please, just tell me that." He's pleading me. I could feel his warm breath at my back. I pulled myself away from him. I couldn't tell him that we still have a chance. He's everywhere. When I saw the dying baby in the ER, it reminded me of our baby, it reminded me of HIM. When I glanced through the cereal and coffee machine in his kitchen, it reminded me of the time we spent together. It's true that I couldn't forgive him. Yet I couldn't leave him either.

"...My name is Fiona White and I worked in Mercy West now." I couldn't promise him so I ranted on about my new identity. I looked straight into his eyes and I saw the love that I longed for such a long time.

"Cris, I don't care what your name is. You are my Cristina. And I love you, I mean it. I love you. You could spend the rest of your life hating me and making my life a living hell. I know I screwed up but I need another chance, give me another chance." He started to kiss me, desperately trying to get my approval.

"I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy. I could die..."

"Don't say that! Don't say that word ever again. You won't die, don't even think about it. Say it, Cristina, say it..." When he was looking at me with his oval brown eyes full of affection, I knew I couldn't say no to him. Just like every time before, I couldn't say no to any of his wishes.

"Fine. We have a chance. But Mer and Derek don't need to know about this. I wouldn't move in with you. You wouldn't threaten me to walk away every time things go wrong."

"Anything you say, as long as you are with me. I miss you so much..." _I miss you too._

"Don't make a big deal about it. It's just a chance, doesn't mean anything." I felt a burden suddenly left off my shoulders. I felt a strange sense of relief. Karma kept piecing us back together like the missing puzzle, it had to mean something.

"It means everything to me. You're my life. I can't live without you. Stay here, take the day off. Don't leave me." He hugged me so tight to the extent that I was short of breath.

"Burke, I have to go. I have a patient to check on." I continued putting on my tops. "Promise me you'll come back tonight." He pleaded with his puppy eyes. "I will. And Burke...be the other guy." I couldn't suppress my chuckle the minute of slipping it out. The other particular three words might be difficult for me to say now. But I wanted him to know that he still had my heart. I didn't know how we could get through this. I refused to think about all the what ifs and consequences. I just wanted to live the moment. With that said I left this place that contained all the bittersweet memories and headed to Mercy West.

 _In Mercy West_

I walked towards the nurse station, hearing the nurses gossiping on and on about some Harper Avery nomination. _Nurses never change, no matter in which hospital. Annoying nurses, but still you can't piss them off._ I smirked at myself remembering the time when they paged me non-stop for enemas and the gross stuffs and I even mistook that for Bailey's rage towards Burke's relationship with me. _Crap, this man is really everywhere. Why couldn't he just leave me alone?_ I closed the sick baby's chart and was about to start rounds when I caught one of the nurse's voice, "Did you hear that Dr. Burke of Seattle Grace is the strongest nomination this year? He could probably win the Harper Avery this year for the two CABGs he did this year and his research on stem-cell therapy for coronary heart disease."

"Yes, now I'm jealous of my friend working in SGH, they get to see those hot doctors every day. Why don't we have any good looking doctors here? This is so unfair." The nurse mumbled with a dreamy tone.

"Oh, come on, don't say that. I say Jackson Avery is good-looking though, you should probably try flirting with him."

I didn't pay attention to the rest of their conversation. _He is going to win a Harper Avery because of the CABGs I did for him? I did all his surgeries, covered up for him and now I won him a Harper Avery. And what did I get? I was crashed by a car, I lost a baby and I died. So he's just gonna take all the credit and get to be this hot shot doctor and maybe the youngest Harper Avery winner?_ Unbelievable!

I took out my phone and texted Mer, "Tell him that I won't go to the apartment tonight. And no need to call me tonight as well. Thx, Mer, have to go to rounds now, catch up with u later." "WTH happened last night? Did you tell him everything? We are so not done with this conversation!" She replied after a minute. I locked the screen and ignored her everlasting desire for girl talks. I will deal with her later. Now the patient with the cardiac tumor would be my priority, not Mer and especially not that arrogant ass.

The baby was lying in the crib in NICU. He looked so peaceful under sedation that freed him from all the pains and struggles. _He was innocent yet god was so unfair to him. His mother gave him melanoma that caused him all his pain and died on him. He didn't have any relatives and a father. He did nothing wrong. He didn't deserve to be born to die in such a misery. He deserved to be raised by a loving parents just like my baby. Did my baby knew that I would be a crappy mom just like Ellis Grey so he or she didn't want to be my kid? Was that why I couldn't keep my babies? I couldn't save my baby, but I have to save this baby. I have to save him. Cristina Yang doesn't fail at anything. There has to be a way to save the baby._


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14 New idea

For those of you curious, the research of Car T-cell therapy was true but its application on cardiac tumor was fictional, I made that up because Cristina is a CT surgeon. The stem-cell therapy was true as well, currently going through clinical trials.

Also, I suck at describing M contents so I will skip these parts.

Disclaimer: GA and all characters belong to Shonda and ABC

 **Fiona's POV**

 _In the attending's lounge_

Glancing through the magazine, I found an article listing every year's breakthrough for Harper Avery winners.

"Last year Dr. Ellen Walter discovered the CAR T-cell therapy for acute lymphoblastic leukemia and hit a home run on the possible treatment for all B-cell cancers. This year Dr. Preston Burke was nominated for Harper Avery and I personally think he had a huge chance at winning it. His research on stem cell therapies for heart muscle regeneration is revolutional and his surgical record is impeccable."

 _His surgical record is damn well perfect. First he left something in a patient's abdomen and now he had an intern did all his surgeries. What a perfect surgeon. Why did I want to work with him in the first place? I would be better off working with this Dr. Ellen Walter for those T-cell therapies, at least I got to learn something new or even chose a second major._

"In T-cell therapy, doctors would genetically engineer the patient's own immune cell to recognize and attack their tumors. Dr. Ellen Walter found a genetically engineered T-cell and named it CAR T-cell specialized in attacking B-cells, which worked miraculously on patients with end stage leukemia. Scientists are now looking forward to adapting it to shrinking solid tumors like brain tumor..."

 _Wait, solid tumors. Baby Nason had a secondary cardiac tumor, that's a solid tumor. What if I could adapt another T-cell that could control his tumor growth and gave him more time until he was strong enough to survive the surgery?_

I ran towards Dr. Thompson's office and caught a hold of him. "Dr. Thompson, I had this idea about this adoptive cell transfer method on this patient..."

"Fiona, you know that I am doing my own clinical trial now so I couldn't help you with that. This is a huge topic and would need a lot of fundings. You need a clinical trial to work on this, not to mention the FDA approvals would take time too. By the time you finally figured everything out, it could be too late for baby Nason." He was very surprised by my sudden idea.

"I am well aware of that, Dr. Thompson. What if I could take care of the FDA approvals and the fundings? Would you be ok if I started my clinical trial? Because in that case I wouldn't be able to help you with your trial anymore." I felt guilty about that. Fiona gave him tremendous help for his research and I was going to drop all of that.

"Fiona, I saw greatness in you from the beginning. If you succeeded in this trial, I would like the medical community to know that I helped train you and mold you." He patted me on my shoulder and handed me back Nason's chart.

"Thank you Pop, that means a lot to me. And yes, I will definitely mention you if I succeed." Usually I was not a hugging person but I gave him a hug this time before walking away.

I spent the afternoon researching all the articles I could find about T-cell therapy and found a laboratory working on specialized T-cells for solid tumors. I negotiated with the laboratory and signed the contract with them in the conference room at the hospital. I even persuaded the board that I would use my own money to start my clinical trial. At the end of the day, I got my own laboratory set up at the hospital and a clinical trial to start. _What a roller coaster day! Yesterday I was telling Kepner that we couldn't save the baby, today I am going to start a phase one clinical trial because of him._ It was getting late. Taking a look at the clock hanging on the wall, I realized it was already 4 in the morning. It was another day. I stretched my arms, turned off the lights and headed towards home to take a shower and change my clothes.

 _Outside Fiona's apartment_

Approaching my apartment, I saw Burke sitting at the corner, sleeping. _Why is he here? Did Mer not tell him I don't want to see him today?_ I tried my best to lower the sound of my footsteps and turned the lock of the door. Just when I was shutting the door and getting in, a black and strong hand butted in the slit and stopped me.

"Are you crazy? You could destroy your precious hand that worth value to you and there will be no Harper Avery." _Why do I even care? He wants to destroy his hand, fine, I don't care_.

"Cristina, I am sorry that I said my hands were the only thing that worth value to me. I didn't mean that. You are the only thing that worth value to me. I could live if I can't operate anymore, but I couldn't live without you." He put his hand up like he was going to touch my face.

"Oh now after everything you have the gut to say that. Now what? You have your career back and you're on your way of winning a Harper Avery. Now you have the time to think of me. You know what, screw you!" I tried to push him out of my apartment but he was stronger than me so he didn't move.

"Cristina, I'm so sorry for everything. I love you and you promised we still had a chance. Tell me, what could I do to prove to you that I love you. I would do anything you ask. Please..."

"Don't 'Cristina' me! I am Fiona White in case you didn't notice. Last night was a mistake. I don't want to see you or talk to you anymore. Now, get out of my apartment!" I pointed to the door furiously to make myself clear.

"Fiona, what's wrong? Why did you change overnight? Talk to me, we can sort this out. Please, come home with me."

"First, that is your apartment not my home. Second, no matter how many please you use, I'm not buying, get out of my apartment!" I snapped at him.

"Is this about the Harper Avery? I could tell the foundation that I am willing to give you all the credit..."

"Oh save it. You know it and I know it, the credit always goes to the attending. You know what, fine, you stay, I'll go." I was so tired of him and just wanted to get away from him.

"No, no, you stay, I'll go." He stumbled outside, his tall figure seemed to shrink with his exhaustion and sadness. I almost wanted to stop him and let him stay, but I made a mental note to stop myself. _You can't do this to yourself anymore. He's not worth it._ I slapped the door of my bedroom and hopped onto the bed.

 _at 7.30 in the morning_

 _Damn, I couldn't sleep for 2 hours. His stumbling back keep replaying in my mind._ I took a shower and get dressed to go to starbucks and get my morning coffee when I saw him still sitting on the ground with two coffees in his hands.

"Coffee." He stood up and handed me the coffee as soon as he caught a glimpse of me getting out of my door.

"You're here the whole night? Don't you have a morning shift?" _He always knew what to say. Damn him._

"I took the morning off. Come on, you didn't get enough rest. I'll give you a ride and pick you up after your shift. What time does your shift end?" He smirked at me with his you-know-my-shift-you-care-about-me eyes. I was so annoyed at him that I didn't protest, simply agreed with his proposal, "Five thirty."

"Five thirty it is then. Do you want to have dinner at my place or your place?" He asked when we were on our way to his car.

"You realized that I still don't want to talk to you, right?" I hated him when he could predict me so well.

"I'll take that as you prefer your place. You know I couldn't break into your place if I have to prepare dinner..." He said like it was a matter of fact. I glared at him and threw my key into his car. He laughed at my childish behavior. It was always like this between us. Not many words were needed, but we stick even if I am mad, even if he's mad. We stick till we figure it out.

 _At home after the shift_

As soon as I opened the door of my apartment, a brown suitcase came into my view. "What is that?" I pointed at the suitcase and planned to interrogate him.

"That's a suitcase." He looked at me with his innocent puppy eyes again.

"I know that. If the owner of the place doesn't want or ask for the suitcase, will it produce a sound when you wheel it around?" This conversation sounds awfully familiar.

"It's just a suitcase." He looked away immediately after he said that. "Or...it could be me moving in with you." Now he was blushing slightly.

"Excuse me?! Are you saying that you transferred all your stuff here unauthorized by the owner?" _What is he thinking about?_

"Well...I got a key from you, so it is not exactly unauthorized..." He winked at me.

"Stop that, winking doesn't suit you. Plus, Burke, seriously?"

"Listen, you were mad at me because I forced you to take all the steps in our relationship, because I forced you to move in. So I won't force you anymore this time. I'm going to chase after you and I'm not letting you go, ever. So yeah, I moved in without your permission. Are you going to throw me out?" He pulled me towards him and kissed me gently. "Hell no." I was impressed by his commitment this time and kissed him back with all my passion. Just then my phone rang. I was startled and jumped all of his embrace at once. I dragged my phone out and found it was Meredith calling. I tried my best to steady my breath before answering the phone.

"Hey, what's up Mer?"

"You're killing me here. Burke forced me to tell him your address and acted like someone ate his cheese all day yesterday. Today he took the morning off and when he came back, he returned to his usual cocky and arrogant Burke again. What did you do to him?" Meredith was obviously itching to know the story.

Burke grabbed my phone and started to talk to her, "Grey, I can hear you and you are intruding a moment now." He hanged up before she had a chance to say anything.

"You frightened her." I used my fingers to draw circles on his chest and quickly ran towards the dinning stable, "That means we are having dinner now."

"No, you are going to feed me first..." With that said he started to loosen the belt of my jeans.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15 Breathe

Sorry for those who received the alert. I just corrected some typos in this Chapter.

Apologies for last chapter，I realized that I typed Dr. Thomas for Dr. Thompson by mistake. Sorry I didn't update much lately since it's exam block, but I'm on a semester break now, should update more frequently, stay tunned! Also, reviews keep me going, so please R&R.

Disclaimer: GA and all characters belong to Shonda and ABC

 **Fiona's POV**

 _At the dining table afterwards_

"Thanks for your steak, that is awesome. And save your lecture about the potential risk of red meat on heart vessels." I thanked him with satisfaction.

"As long as you tell me we are over the whole Harper Avery thing."

"Burke, I did the surgeries because I wanted to be able to help you with something once in my life. Before, the only thing I could give you in this relationship was sex. You cook for me, you did my laundries, you were my mentor. I was a baby in regards to surgical field and household chores. Only at that time, you couldn't be you without me and I feel you need me, not just only for sex." This was the first time that I opened myself up to him because I knew if I wanted us to work, I needed him to at least know what I thought. This whole relationship thing was new to me, but I was trying.

"Shh...come here." He patted his lap. I followed his lead and sat there, placing my head on his chest. _Oh god, I missed this_.

"You are much more than an exclusive sex partner to me. You made me happier than ever. I needed you more than just for sex and it would stay that way. You were not a replacement of anyone and you would never be. I loved you and I will always love you. I am sorry for what I did to you and I could repeat it a million times if that could erase your doubt." That is Burke. He always knew how to say the most appropriate words at the most appropriate timing.

"You don't need to. I always believed that actions speak louder than words. So just prove it to me. I can't say that three words to you right now. But yea, we're over the Harper Avery thing. I would be happy for you if you win that...no, when you win that. I've read all the other articles, you were the best, as usual. And you know what, I don't care about that anymore because I might win my own Harper Avery. I'm starting a clinical trial."

"Wow, that's great. Tell me more about that." He was genuinely surprised at my confidence.

"Ok, there's this baby inherited end stage melanoma from his mother. He was having a metastatic cardiac tumor but he was too weak for surgery. This idea of trying T-cell therapy came to me when I was reading an article analyzing all the Harper Avery winners in recent years. I just...I have to save him. He was so small and he had no one...and I couldn't loose another baby..." Tears were swelling in my eyes. I couldn't suppress my distress anymore. "I...I have to...I have to find a way to...save..." A panick attack struck me and I was gasping for air.

"Shh...It's ok, you're Cristina Yang, you could save him. It's ok, breathe. Breathe with me..." He rubbed my back, stroked my hair and caressed me just like he did last time with my break down. My cries stopped gradually. I felt I could breathe again. Listening to his steady heartbeat, I fell asleep in his arms.

 _In Mercy West Laboratory_

Looking at all the transgenic mice in the cages in front of me, for the first time in my life, I felt such great responsibility of the touch-and-go life depending solely on me and my skills. Although technically I would repeat to my interns and residents, or even to my fellow surgeons every day that we are surgeons, we save lives, never once in my life have I actually felt a connection to my patient like what I felt now towards baby Nason. Yes, I did felt a connection to Liz Fallon once, which is why I was so devastated after her death. Some would say it is not good to bond with your patient too much because then you would start to make irrational decisions. This is what I have always believed through out my career. This is why I asked Burke to confront Sidney regarding the amputation for the patient. At that time I thought she was making irrational decisions and risking the best chances to save the patient because of her bond with the athlete. But now I started to question myself, is it really suitable for me to continue making treatment plans for Nason when I felt such a connection to him? Just as George once said, I am a robot. Being a robot is what makes me precise, delicate and accurate in surgery. What if I made a wrong decision for Nason? He couldn't afford any mistake, he was too fragile for that...

"So, Dr. White, we're doing a HER2-CAR T-cell therapy on the mices to see the improvement, right?" My thought was interrupted by the resident on my service today-Dr. Shane Ross. I was planning to put him on my service for a month or so since he reminded me of myself when I was a resident. Sharp, like a shark.

"Why are we using HER2-CAR T-cell therapy?"

"HER2 is overexpressed in most metastatic tumors and melanoma, which is why it is specifically designed to target Nason's melanoma and cardiac sarcoma." He answered fluently with a smirk on his face.

"And what is the clinical outcome published on JCO last year?"

"4 patients out of 17 have their sarcoma removed and 13 continued with progressive disease."

"Do you know why I still started my trial based on the same methods regardless of its high mortality?"

"All patients free of tumor were stable in 35 to 45 months without relapse, which is very rare case in invasive sarcoma. It's worth a try for Nason. This is his last chance." I could see the flame and compassion in his eyes at the same time. Some people don't understand our excitement towards a life-threatening challenging disease. That's how we learn. That is how we became experienced surgeons. Only this time, failure is not acceptable. I WILL save this baby.

"Looks like someone have done their homework. You're Happy now. Happy, you're officially my assistant on this trial. Take Nason's blood and transfer it through leukopheresis. And then we'll infect it with the virus after trying the best concentration on mice. This would take months. Meanwhile, you should start looking for 20 candidates of suitable age and invasive sarcoma."

"Yes! Thank you for your trust, Dr. White, you'll not regret it, I..." He put his typical happy face on.

"Shut up and go!" He followed my instruction and rushed to the office.

 _In Mercy west NICU_

Nason was sleeping peacefully in the incubator. He was so small yet carrying the weight of the world. I was in the dead daddy club so I knew what it felt like to lose someone who loved you most in this world. Nason didn't have a father, he was probably the product of a one night stand. What piled up on that was his mother died giving birth to him.

I don't believe in god or santa claus, I believe in medicine. But it makes no sense that he was brought to this world simply to suffer and agony. It has to be a reason that he was brought here to me, when I kept losing my baby. I thought female was made to respond to baby cries, that was why babies were thought to be adorable. But Nason, he was not adorable, he was hard core. He fought like hell for his life. I don't want to be the one to end his life, I want to save him. I want the best for him. I want him to live a long and boring life. And I didn't do it out of love or something. Cristina Yang don't do love. I want to save him simply because he was determined and tough, he could make a great surgeon. I am saving him so that he could save more lives in the near future. Yea, I didn't love him, I was justing trying my best to save him for the greater good. I hadn't bonded with him. So I could make rational decisions, I could choose the best for him. That would not make me Sidney, but make me a good surgeon.

 _At the apartment_

With a shovel in his hand, Burke kissed me on the cheek to welcome me. A smell of curry and chicken. I tilted my head towards the pot and saw he was cooking butter chicken. Oh, I love that. Reminds me of the good time we spent when I would buy tons of chicken for him to practice suture and he ended up cooking meals for me. With a grimace on his face, he handed me the plate with butter chicken, vegetables and rice on it. I smiled at him and sat down beside the dining table.

"So, how is your day? Tell me more about your trial." He initiated the conversation. Usually I hated the talking part, but today I really needed that.

"Thanks for asking. It was going fine. I was trying to altar HER2-CAR T-cell a little bit so it could target the tumor with more precision. And after I figured it out, I plan to do an adoptive transfer on cardiac cells..." How do I tell him that I'm doubting myself? I never doubted myself, not even when I was covering for his tremor. So why now?

"Cris, something is wrong. You don't talk like that. You don't say thank you and you definitely wouldn't thank me for talking to you. Is this about the baby?" He hit the nail on the head.

"No, no it's not. It's just...I had a thing. I had this thing." I couldn't tell him about Nason. Hearing the word baby drew blood from my heart. I would still have nightmares about him naked with Kim and my baby hit by a car. I would have never pictured myself as the type that would fall back into the arms of the cheating boyfriend. But who knows, I would never picture myself as the type that would date a man still hovering over his ex-girlfriend.

"Okay." I could see the hurt in his eyes clearly but I wouldn't bother now. Yeah, he did comfort me when I needed him and moved in with me instead of asking me to move in with him, which was a huge step for a man with such a big ego. But he did cheat on me and give me the silent treatment as well. I wasn't over these yet. The rest of our dinner continued in a uncomfortable silence. After helping him washing the dishes, I went to bed without another word.

A weight was added to the other side of the bed. I could feel his strong arms and warm hands around my stomach. I could never love anyone so much in my wildest imagination. But I did. Only I didn't know how we were going to get through this.

"I've read your diaries." He said. My body stiffened instantly at his words. What was he trying to say? Was he trying to bring up the painful memory and apologize? I was not ready for that...

"It broke my heart to read these words. I read them word by word for countless times. I understand that you are the kind that would like to keep your feelings to yourself. But I love you and I wouldn't know how to if you don't let me."

I stood up and pulled myself away from his embrace angrily.

"So you're saying it's all my fault? I didn't talk to you so it was ok that you went out and screw another woman?"

"No, Cristina, that's not what I meant. The way I love you is consuming. You never cease to amaze me and I would never know what's on your mind. You said that you wanted to placate me with something else other than sex. It's the same with me! The only way I could placate you was giving you an opportunity to scrub in with me because I don't know blandishments. I am not the kind of guy that knows how to placate a girl and you are not just a random girl. You're the most competitive, guarded, stubborn, the most challenging person I have ever met. I love you. But I am insecure about this. I am in fear of losing you every minute along the way. And so are you. I am deeply, deeply sorry that I cheated on you. I want you to know that I never knew I said her name at night and I never dated you because you were a replacement. To me you are the one and only Cristina and that made me walking around on pins and needles. So please, Cris, please let me in, talk to me instead of talking to your diary."

It hit me hard that he was as insecure about this relationship as I did. If we had been more honest to each other and our true feelings none of these would have happened. I decided to start from the most simple thing- declare my feelings for him.

"Burke, I am head over heels, down a flight of stairs, and spread eagle on the floor in love with you. So you don't need to look for another way to placate me- surgery would always be the best. I don't know how to forgive you or trust you again. But I know we will get through this. We stick together and we will get through this."

He replied by pulling me into a an earth shattering, knee quaking, life changing kiss.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16 Doubt

I'd like to ask would you like to see Owen's presense in this fiction? I personally disliked Owen a lot now because he moved on in such a short time after Cristina left, he even stated that he felt relieved after he heard about the plane crash when he thought Cristina died. Anyway, tell me what you think.

Disclaimer: GA and all characters belong to Shonda and ABC.

 **Fiona's POV**

Hot water was splashing down my body. Bathroom was the second place I could clear my mind besides the OR. I looked at myself through the vapour on the glass mirror. This face is not familiar anymore. I've literally changed to a different person. I was lucky that Mer and Burke still accepted me regardless of my shelter. Meredith told me that she saw her mother when she was dying, that was why she believed in me immediately. Burke...I don't know why he didn't freak out or call me a psych...Not only has my shell changed, my life changed dramatically over the past two years as well. I turned my world upside down for a man and I made friends, not say hello and forget about them kind of friends, but share your darkest secrets with them kind of friends.

Seattle grace is a magic place. Miracles and horrible disasters were drawn to this place at the same time. You could witness an intern spread syphilis around the surgical floor. You could witness an open heart operation in the elevator. You could witness an intern fall in love with a patient and almost tried to steal a heart for him. You could witness an intern perform all the surgeries for the attending to cover up for his tremor. Seattle grace is a place where a bomb can be found in the patient's cavity, a romance can happen in an elevator, a thong can be hang on the bulletin board. It is also a place you came in a normal self and came out a completely different person.

A man stole my heart and taught me how to love. He begged me to talk to him instead of talking to my diary. I used to tell my dad everything. But he died on my watch. I hadn't shared my emotions with anybody else ever since. My diary was the only one I could trust with my deep thoughts and secrets over the years. Burke was the second man in my life that I knew inside out and love with my heart. Can I trust him and let him in? Will he leave me like my dad did?

"I have trust issues with men. My dad left me when I was nine, and you add insult to the injury. I don't share feelings with anyone, I don't make friends, and that's until I came to Seattle Grace. California was too sunny, the rains in Seattle suit my mood. And Seattle Grace ranked first as an educational hospital. I was stuck with my conduit trial so I came here trying to get some fresh views. That's all you get for now." With the paragraph written in a brand new notebook, I put the diary on the desk and left a post-it saying, "I AM talking to you."

This is the best way I could think of right now. I was not comfortable about saying stuff out loud. But I would try. That's what you do in a relationship after all, you compromise. I lived with my mother for 18 years and yet we didn't get along. How are you supposed to get along with your significant other- a stranger while you couldn't get along with the person you lived most of your life with? We- my mother and I- didn't compromise in this relationship so we failed. I get that now. I don't have a second chance anymore with her because she wouldn't believe me. But I have a second chance with Burke, and I am not going to screw it up.

 _In Mercy West, OR3_

"Okay, now I have injected the altered HER2-CAR T-cell into the cardiomyocytes of Mr. Kalman, we will wait and see the next step." Shane was holding a video camera recording every step along the trial, hope that we could see some progress. _As similar as he was to me when I was a resident, there was one quality that was unique with him. He was compassionate for every one of his patients, the extent of which was between Izzie and I. That annoyed me and delighted me at the same time. On the one hand, he could devote himself into the work because of his sympathy. On the other hand, he could also ruin his reputation if he got too involved._

"Happy, keep an eye on Mr. Kalman and report to me every two hours about the progress." I ordered him. "Roger that, Dr. White."

 _5 hours later_

I was having dinner at the cafeteria alone when my pager went off, it was a 911 from Shane. _Crap, this must be something to do with Mr. Kalman. Please be alive when I get there._ I rushed to the ICU and found Shane pacing around the doorway. "What's wrong?" I asked him, holding a breath I didn't even realize. "The T-cell killed too many cells at once and his heart couldn't handle the pressure. He was gone." He pointed his chin towards the monitor to show me the patient's ECG. It was flat line. He was gone. The first patient in my trial was a failure. "OK. Let's figure out why this happened and don't make the same mistake again. Schedule the next patient for surgery tomorrow." _We have to do this fast, Nason doesn't have enough time._ With a nod, Shane walked away silently without a word. I knew he was upset. But he had to deal with it, we both had to.

 _The following day at OR2_

"I stayed up all night at the laboratory looking through the sections of Mr. Kalman's cardiomyocytes and found the error. It was the partial inhibition of HER2-PI3K pathway that stop class IA PI3Ks from maintaining normal function in presence of stress. I altered it again, let's hope it would be effective this time." I took out the syringe and explained to Shane when he made an incision in the chest cavity and exposed the beating heart. A giant mass, the size of a golf ball was sitting on the superior vena cava appeared in our sight. Shane's body stiffened immediately at the sight of the mass, it was larger than we had estimated on the angiogram. I could felt he was panicking over the unexpected situation.

"Shane, didn't they teach you the angiogram was not as accurate as you would think it was? Now, tell me, what's our next step?" _I have to calm him down or he would just mess up with the injection. This time, I need him to do the injection the same time as I did for the mixture to be effective. If he couldn't calm down, he would mess up with the injection and that would help with the situation. At this very moment, I am starting to miss Burke. He was always calm in the OR, always in control. He was calm when there was a bomb in the patient's body cavity, he was calm even when the heart was on fire. He was the my best partner in the OR, I understood the meaning of every change in his voice and expression. But he is not here. I have to do this with Shane._

Shane got himself together immediately after my question, "The next step is...we inject the solution to his heart." His hands were still trembling.

"It's okay, Shane. We practiced dozens of times this morning, remember? You can do this. We can inject it at the same speed. We HAVE to do this or the patient dies." I looked at him straight in the eyes and emphasized on the last sentence. I knew how terrible he felt after Mr. Kalman died yesterday. He was in need of encouragement and faith at the moment.

"Ok, I'm ready. Let's do this." He took in a deep breath and started to push the plunger. But he was pushing it at a awfully fast speed. The percentage shown on the two screens were 45% and 65% respectively.

"Shane, look at me. Slow down, no need to rush. Look at me." I patted his shoulder with my spare hand. His tense muscle eased at my touch and gradually, he slowed down his speed. The monitors were now indicating 85% and 86% respectively. We signed in unition at the sight of 100% on the screen. The OR was filled with claps and joys instantly. I could see the drooping at the outer corner of Shane's brown eyes, indicating he was smiling.

"Good job, everyone. Let's wait and see if it works out." With a satisfactory grimace on my face, I walked out of the OR, silently hoping the next time I came in I would be performing surgery on Nason.

 _5 hours later_

"Damn it..." Shane punched his fist at the wall in angst. Blood was dropping from his hand. The second patient was dead too because we couldn't stop the rapidly growing tumor. For patients with tumor at that size, 10 hours could be the distance between life and death. Though the patient was announced death sentence by all the other doctors, we were their last hope. And we crushed that hope. I wanted to say some comforting words to cheer him up, words like it could take dozens of death before a success show up in a trial, or words like the only published trial had a mortality rate of 13 out of 17, this was only our second patient, we could do better. But the truth is I feel a lump at my throat and I couldn't say anything. I couldn't even convince myself right now. So I just dress the wounds with cotton pads and stitched his skin.

"I hope I could tell you this feeling of powerlessness would pass, but it won't. You have to deal with it. It would be your best friend throughout your career. That's what you pay for being a physician." I hate to crush his passion as a surgeon, but this is what we are faced with every day. There are always more patients died on your watch than survived, There are always devastating dependents accusing you of your incompetence. I left Shane alone in the room and rushed out of the hospital. I really need my person now.

I checked my phone, ignored 20 texts from Burke and speed dialed Mer's number. Burke became really mushy and sticky since we rekindled. I could deal with him later. Now I just need my person and shots of salt, lemon and tequilas.

"Mer, are you off your shift?" _Geez, please say yes._

"Um...Yea, what's up Fiona?" Sensing my desperation, she immediately said yes.

"I need you now. Joe's in 30 minutes." I was about to hang up when she called out at the other end of the line. "Wait, Burke was sick worried about you, what should I tell him?"

"Tell him we will be at Joe's and he's not welcome." I finally hang up without listening to Mer's whining anymore. She would know how to send him home. I don't have to deal with him tonight because I would be too intoxicated by the time Mer drove me home.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17 Console

Disclaimer: GA and all characters belong to Shonda and ABC.

 **Fiona's POV**

 _At Emerald City Bar_

Surrounded by the dimmed light and the loud rock music, I downed my shot of tequila. Usually Joe would be stopping me at this point, but he didn't know me now. No one here know me anymore. It was like you knew every corner and everyone of this place so damn well but they lost their memories of you. Never before have I felt such emptiness inside myself. Whenever I was here, I came with my annoying fellow interns bugging me about their pathetic love lives. Even pouting George would be better than sitting on the bar stool, all alone. Although I would never admit that. _Tonight I just need tequila and Meredith, no Burke, no surgery, no trial, no painful memories, no cringy small talk, and not even sex was good enough._ When Meredith arrived, I was already on my third shot.

"Hey, I told Burke we were on girl's night so he backed off. Now spill." I knew who that was immediately at the scent of citrus body wash approaching the counter. I missed that scent so much. I haven't seen her for a week.

"Hey. How did your Mcdreamy drama go? I guess I missed quite a lot." I pushed my untouched shot to her.

"He was in his overprotective boyfriend mode ever since my drowning. I think he wants a family with me, like a house with kids running around. Seriously, after he chose Addison over me, a house?" Meredith started rambling about her personal drama like old times.

"Two patients in my trial died, and I haven't figured out why the second one died. Burke wanted to talk while I only wanted sex. He thought I didn't want to talk about it because of our baby issue, but it wasn't that." Meredith glared at my grumble while I continued, "Fine it had something to do with the baby issue, but the major part was that I was too involved in this case, you know, the struggling innocent new born triggering me maternal instinct or whatever. And that's the problem. Cristina Yang never get involved with the patients like Izzie Stevens because she knew that would do the patient no good. If I got involved with Nason, I would mess up with the trial and his life, and the two dead patients proved my point just at the right time."

"Fine, you win. Have you ever thought about telling Burke this whole situation, you know...since he was a cardio god he might probably find the cause." She made the suggestion cautiously.

"Hey, you're my person, you should be on my side. No, I couldn't tell him about this because he wouldn't let go of the baby topic and I hate to show him my incompetence as a surgeon. You know...he was this I-was-your-teacher-so-I was-always-right attitude from the beginning of our relationship, now he finally realized that I was as a badass surgeon as he was and I just want our status to be...I don't know, equal...in this relationship." _Yes, that's what I want, equilibrium and avoidance of the long lost babies._

"Well, I get where you came from. Derek was she-was-my-family-for-11-years-of-course-I-chose-her attitude when he chose Mcwife over me. But still, you need to talk to him, you know, he was worried about you, said you didn't come home for nearly 48 hours." Her eyes darkened at the mention of Addison. She was her forever nightmare as she was so perfectly nice to be hated.

"What did you do to the dark and twisty Meredith? We didn't do talk, Mer. We hated conversation and communication, we just had lots and lots of sex, like hot, stand-on-our-head sex." I tried to talk sense into her. She had really changed. It was only a week since we last met but it felt like she was a totally different person. Did I miss out that much?

"Crist...no, Fiona, you can't use sex to avoid talking forever!" I shot her my death glares. _Like hell you haven't done the same thing._ She seemed to sense my thought and went on rapidly, "Okay...I did that too. The point is if there's anything I learned in this drama with Derek is that you have to talk to each other, you have to be honest in a relationship. If Derek had told me he had a wife, things would be so much different now."

"Yeah, if Burke had told me he had an ex, I wouldn't be sitting here downing tequila now. See, this is not our problem. It's stupid men and their boy penises. They thought whatever mistakes they made, we should just jump back into their arms without hesitation. What's wrong with them?"

"Okay. I know you probably wouldn't like to hear about this, but I have to be very honest with you right now. I was jealous about you and Burke the whole time. You got to have a career and a perfect boyfriend when I was hovering over Derek and even dated Finn. And I felt guilty. That was part of the reason why I defended you in front of everyone after Burke's tremor came to light. The love you had between you two was something different, something unique. I knew that when Burke thanked me for persuading you to move in with him. I knew that when you took a bullet for him and risked your career for him. I never saw you that happy until you were with him. So don't let something like that swing by. You're in love, a once-in-a-lifetime kind of love. Derek finally wanted a future and I couldn't say yes to him because nothing good had ever happened to me or couples around me. So I need a miracle, I need you to have a happy ending. I need to know that fairy tales do exist. Talk to him. Do this for me." She went so far that she even confessed her feelings.

"Meredith Grey, you are a selfish whore, you know that, right? You were jealous of...ME, really?" I slurred on my words when downing the sixth shot of the night.

"Yea, I know. Cheers to the selfish whore and the formidable bitch." I giggled and reached out to connect my glass to hers. We didn't talk about our issues anymore at the rest of the night. Meredith simply kept me updated about things going on in gossip mills of SGH and laughed hysterically at my sarcastic comments towards them. I couldn't quite remember how the night ended. The last thing I remembered was a pair of warm hands scooping me into the car seat.

 ** _Burke's POV_**

I was over the moon when I found the diary and the note on it which said, "I AM talking to you." I folded the note carefully and placed it into a neatly organized matchbox. That was a game I used to play with mama- you treasured all your sweet memories into a closed and secret place so they became eternity and your happiness would last forever. I knew Cristina wasn't really the type that enjoyed communication and sharing, hell we didn't even had a photo together after we dated for a year. So I kept every note in the matchbox, hoping that the happiness and fulfilment I was feeling right now would never disappear. But now maybe I don't have to do this. She IS 'talking' to me right now. Although not technically having a conversation which she hated the most, but it's a step. With Cristina, it's always slow and steady steps. At least she is willing to let me in bit by bit and that's a sign. A sign that she was meeting me half way. I wanted to hold her, kiss her and touch her so badly right now, but I couldn't. So I went to work and tried my best not to think about her during my shift.

I didn't sleep at all that night. I waited and waited for her to come home. I wanted to tell her how much I appreciated her effort and how much I loved her. I wanted to feel her petite figure and warmth snuggling in my arms. But she didn't come back. I told myself she was just taking an extra shift like she did when she was an intern. But then hours passed, still nothing came from her, not a text or a note. I started to become really worried about her so I texted her dozens of times.

"Cris, are you alright? I'm just worried about you. Please call me back when you were out of surgery. I miss you."

"Baby, I'm really starting to worry about your safety. Just text back me anything to let me know that you're fine, please!"

She didn't respond me. So I went to search for Meredith and asked her whether she had heard from her. When Meredith said no I began to panick. Was I going to lose her again just when I got her back? The look on my face alerted Meredith and she tried to calm me down by instructing me to call Mercy West just to confirm whether she went to work or not. After the call I signed in huge relief, content that she was safe and sound. But I was also sad that she ignored my texts and calls when I thought things were looking better between us. Honestly, I was upset because she was so unpredictable. Every time when I thought we were doing great, she would just slap me in the face and told me that the peace was just my hallucination.

I followed Meredith the whole day as soon as I had some spare time, hoping to hear a piece of news about her or just listen to her voice. Derek was shooting me death glares for stalking her girlfriend but I couldn't care less. Was it so wrong for a man wanting to hear from his girlfriend?

Thank god, she finally called. I could hear her voice vaguely from my position when Meredith picked up her cell. She was visibly disheartened and my heart ached for her, it was never good when she wanted a drink with Meredith. But then again it hurt that she didn't even mention my name. Noticing my distressed expression, Meredith asked her hesitantly, " Wait, Burke was sick worried about you, what should I tell him?" I held my breath waiting for her answer. "Tell him we will be at Joe's and he's not welcome." I was such a fool worrying about her when she was perfectly safe and asking her friend for help instead of me. She made it painfully clear that I was not welcome. I scurried out of the hallway, escaping the scene and Meredith's sympathetic looks.

It was late when I heard Meredith's call. It must be relating to Cristina. I hesitated before taking the call but I went through at last. What if that was important? And I was so grateful that I actually answered that. There were screams and shoutings in the background.

"Dr. Burke, she's really intoxicated and slurred on her words now. She had doubts about herself and felt if she was too involved with Nason it would cloud her judgment. Two of her patients died and she thought that was sign indicating she was incompetent as Nason's doctor. She didn't talk about it with you because she hated to think about the lives that she lost and she wanted you to refer to her as a great surgeon as you are so that you two are equal in this relationship. She was just insecure, you know."

"I know. I will come and pick her up now. Meredith, I can't thank you more for telling me these." My heart was pounding in my chest over her confessions about Cristina's side of view. It was all on me that she thought I didn't think of her as a great surgeon when I blamed her and kicked her out of my OR during my tremor.

"I was so drunk that I wouldn't remember anything I told you now. She would kill me if she knew I blabbed out her secrets." Meredith answered in a drunk voice.

"Sure. We did not have a conversation, not now, not ever in a million years."

It's my attitude that made Cristina doubted herself. Getting involved with Nason would not be an obstacle in her way to heal Nason. Caring would only make her more brilliant, the start of the clinical trial has proven that already. She could do this and all she needed was my reassurance. How could I be so blind not to see that? An idea came to me, I chuckled at my sudden muse. Now I know how to fix this and cheer her up. _She loved to hear my praise so I would definitely make this up to her._


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18 The grand speech

Meredith was keeping a life-altering secret from Cristina, what would that be? Will this secret change Cristina's life forever?

Thank you AGK for your review, I would definitely go without Owen.

Disclaimer: GA and all characters belong to Shonda and ABC.

 **Fiona's POV**

 _At Harper Avery Gala_

I was dragged by Meredith to show up in this Harper Avery Gala, Meredith was acting weird the whole time. She seemed wanting to tell me about something ever since the night at Joe's. She even said, "Cristina, you know I would tell you everything if I can. There used to be only you and me, and now there's also Derek and me. He's my boyfriend, but you're my soul mate." She was cut off by me ensuring her that I could deal with Derek. We had our differences towards issues, I used to tell him repeatedly to leave Meredith alone. Now since he divorced and Mer was no longer the dirty mistress, I could cope with him, and it's not like I was his intern and he got to boss me around anymore. I wonder what it is that Mer was keeping from me. It got to be a big secret if she was acting like this. Jeez, did Mcdreamy had another secret lover? Is that what she was hiding from me?

Burke was acting mushy and clinche since the drunk night, which was rare for a logic and meticulous man like him. It had been two weeks since then. Surprisingly, he didn't shower me with his "I want to talk" speech the morning after. Instead, he told me he was grateful that I managed to find a way to communicate with him. Now I would write my random thoughts in the diary at morning and he would explain everything to me if he sensed any misunderstandings here and there. I wouldn't say we were past all the hurts and angst over the past year. But at least we were on good terms for now.

My trial was stuck because I couldn't find the reason why the second patient died. It was supposed to be effective if the two solutions were injected at the same speed. Mer had suggested that I could let Burke have a look at that at that night, when I refused to do so she didn't bug me twice about it like usual. Something was seriously bothering her. I made a mental note to find out about this later. But first, I have to finish this stupid gala and listened to Burke's either arrogant or humble acceptance speech.

Burke was in his charming burgundy purple shirt and the tie with the same color. It was the same outfit he wore when I first introduced myself to him at the welcome party. He was waiting patiently across the table for Catherine Avery to announce the winner of this year. His eyes crinkled a bit at the spot light towards him, like what an Oscar nominee would react when the camera was filming. Mer and Derek were sitting together besides me. Meredith was preparing the phone on speaker nervously, keeping Webber and other doctors in SGH updated. Derek was trying as hard as he could to hide his jealousy towards his co-worker winning the award after he fixed his hands. The moment finally came, "I hereby announce that this year's Harper Avery award goes to- Dr. Preston Burke!" Instantly, Burke perked up, hugged me, Meredith and Derek respectively and took the leap towards the podium with an ear-to-ear grin and a dimple in his chin.

"I want to say a big thank you to everyone who have helped mold me into who I am today. It was a great honour to be conferred this milestone award. However, I would like to dedicate this award to a woman that changed my life. She was my right hand in surgeries, she was my partner after work. I used to be married to my career and then she came into light. I am a heart man. I took them apart, put them back together, hold them in my hands. I never knew that heart spoke volumes until I met her. I've made mistakes, I've had my moments. I've praised this woman's brilliance, I've also denied her ability to be a great surgeon. But I was wrong. She was actually a better surgeon than I was. Not only had she encouraged me to do the bovine valve replacements and other ground-breaking surgeries, she also guided me through the darkness. She was my beacon, my relay station, my hopes and dreams. I made a terrible mistake and I failed to tell her those words when she could hear me. So, today, on this stage, I dedicate this award to her- a brilliant surgeon and an incredible woman. Thank you!"

With glassiness in his eyes, he hugged Catherine for the last time and went down the stage. I blinked hard to keep the tears in my eyes from falling. Meredith was holding my hand and I could see she was moved by those beautiful words as well. I never thought I was the girl that could be moved by a public speech of affection, but there was just something about this man that I couldn't resist. I have always enjoyed his praise, let alone a praise in a Harper Avery acceptance speech. In his black tuxedos, he walked towards me like a knight in shining armour. The room burst into applause as well as the other side of the phone where Webber and other attendings were sitting in the conference room, celebrating his win at the same time. Burke mouthed to me 'wait' and was soon engaged in small talks with eager surgeons surrounding him.

The cocktail party came to an end soon after the long night, Derek and Burke were still deep in conversations with doctors that changed the face of medicine, such as Collin Marlow and Harper Avery. Meredith was still lost in her own thought which made me really worried about her," Mer, something was up. What is it that you're so desperately hiding from me? Does Derek has another secret lover or whatever?" I couldn't hide my curiosity anymore. I wasn't the kind to hold back my words in the first place.

"What? No, nothing like that. It's just...I couldn't tell you because Derek made me promise not to. Would you promise me that you wouldn't be mad at me if you find out what I'm not telling you?" _Why was she freaking out now?_

"Okay. Mer, I'm your person that means I wouldn't be mad at you. So stop freaking out." I ensured her that I wouldn't be mad at her. Little did I knew when the truth was revealed I wouldn't be able to keep my words.

"Deal. Keep that in mind. You're my person." At that moment, Derek came by, gave her a peck in the cheek, bid me goodbye and escorted Meredith to their car through the chilly winds. When Burke finally managed to escape the crowds, I put my hands around his waist, he put his over my shoulder and we headed towards home to rest.

 _At the apartment_

I smiled at the sight of the completely different apartment. One month ago, it was in complete chaos and now it was split into two distinct areas. The kitchen and the bookshelf were spotless. The knives were placed in the holder from higher spot to lower spot. The medical journals were placed according to Dewey Decimal classification. Oppositely, the living room and the bathroom were a disaster. Surgical tapes were scattered everywhere on the side table. Used bath towels were tossed aside carelessly on bathroom tiles. Dirty scrubs were still on the floor waiting for Burke to pick them up and did the laundries.

I snuggled beside him under the cover and asked him the question hovering in my mind all this time, "Why did you say that on the podium?"

"I mean it when I said so. You're a great surgeon. You can save your patients. Don't ever doubt yourself." He answered with a lower tone.

"So Meredith told you about the trial? Is that what she's been hiding from me? Why would Mcdreamy stop her from telling me that?" I was confused at the situation. Meredith's weird actions were getting to me.

"What are you talking about? What about Derek?" _Why did his voice sound nervous? What's wrong with everyone around me these days?_

"Meredith was keeping something because Derek made her promised not to tell me. He was such a jerk. I guess he was just jealous about how close we were."

"Yea, he should be." He breathed a warm breath to my back, which made me stiffened a bit. After a long silence, I started to call his name, "Burke, are you awake? Burke?" There was no answer but I knew he was awake. There was no way he could sleep so soon after the Harper Avery Award winning night. But I continued my word anyway, because he poured his heart today and I would like him to hear my confession as well.

"You said you practiced to be the best. You said you wasn't the brightest like I was. But I wasn't as smart as you thought. I was among the few Asians in the class. They nicknamed me 'the quote child' because they were jealous I was always first in class. The truth is, there are two kinds of brilliance, one is born with nature, the other is practicing. Meredith was the first kind. She didn't need to practice a stitch or a suture. She was born in this hospital, it was her playground. She knew anatomy Jane by heart. I wasn't like that. I had to memorize the text by heart and took the book with me wherever I went. I had to practice a suture hundreds of times to get it right. But I was the best because I practiced. I didn't let it get to me. I decided very early that I was going to be a surgeon, the best surgeon possible, ever since you told me that rainy night you wanted to be a cardio-thoracic surgeon."

He didn't show me any response. He just spooned me tighter. Inhaling in his scent and absorbing his warmth, I dozed off. Burke always had his way of cheering me up, he said I was his relay station, but to be honest, he was mine as well. Just snuggling to him after a particularly hard day would energize me. Now after his grand speech, I knew I would be capable of finding the right treatment plan. I was determined to get some progress for the trial the next day.


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19 Pick me

Disclaimer: GA and all characters belong to Shonda and ABC.

 **Fiona's POV**

 _At Mercy West_

Staring at the amplified HER2-CAR T cells in the test tubes, I was starting to thinking about the cocktails. There could be problems with the percentage or there could be interference with pathways. It was hard to tell and it testing it on mice or rabbits wouldn't help because human hearts were way more complicated. At this stage my best bet would be altering the speed of injecting the solutions, otherwise I would have to prepare a different T cell cocktail from scratch and it could be too late for Nason. So what do I choose now? More patients to test if the current theory was right? Or start over to make it safer for Nason?

Just when I was hesitating, a loud beep from the pager indicated 911 in NICU, it was from Shane. I ran across the hall and downstairs, turned over several trays that nurses were carrying and scurried to NICU. All the machines that Nason was hooked up to were giving out alerts. From the waves on the ECG it was clear that Nason was having a v-fib and Shane already cracked his chest. He was barking orders and injecting epi.

"Shane, step aside, I'll do the cardiac massage. Get prepped and get him in the OR as soon as possible. People let's move!" I knelt down on the gurney, massaging the heart when they wheeled the gurney hurriedly to the nearest OR. Life was draining from Nason's face rapidly. His cheeks were unnaturally red due to the fever triggered by the stress brought by the tumor. His lips were purple due to the lack of oxygen. The cardiac tumor had worn him out. His limbs scattered in all directions like a ragged doll.

After being shocked twice, Nason was finally stabilized. Though I knew taking the bet now was his best shot, I couldn't stop my hands from trembling.

"Shane, remind me why did I do this?" I hoped he could say something, anything to put me at ease. Staying at the OR for long-hour ground-breaking surgeries used to be my one and only pleasure. But at this very moment, my body was blocking me to take the risk for the patient's good.

"You're doing this to save his life. If you don't do anything, he will die. If you took the bet he could die or he could live." This time Shane didn't panick or wave his fist towards the wall. Everyone was extremely quiet in the OR, waiting for me to make the decision - test my luck or wait for longer.

" She was actually a better surgeon than I was... She was my beacon, my relay station, my hopes and dreams. I dedicate this award to her- a brilliant surgeon..." Burke's voice was playing repeatedly in my head. I could nearly feel his oval brown eyes staring at me. Replaying his words and encouragements soothed me instantly. I took a deep breath and started my work. This time and this time only I need some reassurance.

"Dr. Ross, let's get started. Keep in mind, when my screen shows 50%, yours should be indicating 30%, which means you should be injecting 20% slower than I do. You ready?"

"More than ever, Dr. White." Feeling the touch of my 'ju-ju'- Burke's lucky scrub cap on my head, I started to push the cylinder. Monitoring the stats closely, I let go of the breath I was holding ever since the operation began. Now it is out of my depth. I could only hope for the best. I threw my bloody gloves and gown in the trash bin and headed towards the lounge.

"Already in the lobby. Emergency surgery?" Burke's text popped up on the screen so I walked downstairs to the lobby and caught sight of him. He was sitting on the sofa, wiping his glasses. He was adorable with his glasses on, serious, professional but also adorable. I stared at him for several seconds before he felt my glaze and walked towards me. "Hey Cris, just finished the surgery?"

There was a small curve at the corner of his lips but I could sense something was bothering him. We've been trying so hard to make it work since we rekindled our chemistry. Somehow it was different now. He used to tell me everything that was bothering him. It was almost like some ritual. Now he wouldn't do that anymore. He was acting like telling me bad stuff would burden me. We were kicking around the bush and avoiding talking about the bad stuff that happened in our lives.

At the end of the day, he would still listen to my whining about the stupid interns and laugh at my sarcastic comments. But it doesn't feel the same now, we were different, we've both changed so much than we were a year ago. When we first started this relationship, nobody thought it would work out because I was anti-Burke in so many levels: He was an attending, I was an intern. He was clean, I was a slob. He was a control freak, I was a wild girl riding a motorcycle. He was a gentleman, I was sarcastic and had no manners. We tried to make what wouldn't work work against all odds because we loved each other. And whatever is bothering him now wouldn't matter because we were in love.

Walking alongside with his tall and rigid body, I felt someone was watching me from a distance. I turned around to search if anyone was near me, but I got nothing. "What?" Burke brushed his lips against my forehead and asked me playfully. _It's probably just my hallucination. I had a long day after all._ "Nothing." I replied by dragging his ties and stumbled towards the car. Little did I know that fate had a way to punish the couple like us who were together against all odds and rules.

 _Two days later_

"Nason was in a good shape. His last angiogram and portable chest X-ray showed that his cardiac tumor has shrunk dramatically in size. If nothing went wrong, he could came out of the NICU soon." Shane reported the latest update on Nason to me with a huge grin on his face.

"Ok, that's good to hear." My tried my best to hide my smirk at the great news.

"Just ok? Dr. White, do you realize that you just changed the face of medicine? This would be the first case to shrink cardiac tumor with immunotherapy. This is huge!" It was clear that the resident was jumping in joy.

"No gloating! This isn't a done deal yet, until then you have to keep a close eye on him in case any complication happens." I squeezed Nason's hand once more and left the NICU.

I was walking pass the hallway and caught sight of Dr. Thomas. He smiled at me warmly and gave me a pat on my shoulder. "Way to go, Fiona. I've heard about your little miracle. You gave your A game." His praise meant a lot to me. It was his encouragement that pushed me to go ahead with my trial. "Thank you, sir. You told me to start this, so the credit went to you as well." He laughed at my words and walked towards the other end of the corridor whispering "I knew it" along his way.

My shift ended so I walked towards the parking lot, dialing Burke's number hoping he wasn't in surgery. I didn't pay attention to the footsteps approaching until a wet cloth was put under my nose. Soon I lost conscious. The last thing I heard was a large bump of my phone dropping on the pavement.

I was waken by the discomfort in my wrists and ankles. I felt my hands and feet were tied up tightly by a rope. Apparently someone kidnapped me. I looked around, in the dim light, saw an unconscious woman lying in the ground. I froze at the sight of the familiar figure. I could never forget her face. It was Katey Kim.

She was back! Now that all the dots are connected, everything make sense to me now. This is what Meredith and Burke tried to hide from me all these days. They conveniently ignored to tell me that one of the most important women in my boyfriend's life was back. Hell, she was probably working in Seattle grace now. She saw him every day. I felt a sharp pain in my chest. I was betrayed by my best friend and my sorta kinda boyfriend at the same time. Fabulous, just great! I have to find out that the devil was back by being kidnapped and locked in the same room with her. How could Meredith of all people chose not to tell me? Kim was Burke's Addison and I Burke's Meredith. I would never hide a news as big as Addison's return from Meredith. I thought it was never about the love story between Meredith and Derek. I thought it was always the love story between us. But clearly, I was wrong. In the choice between Derek and I, she picked Derek and she made me promise I would forgive her for doing so. I was there the whole time when Derek wasn't, but yet she betrayed me.

I felt the world was laughing at me. I was always grateful that Burke was there soothing me when I lost my dad. Now came to think of it, it was my father's tragic death that brought our first encounter. It was a mistake from the very beginning, yet I was inspired to become a cardio-thoracic surgeon. Ironically, because of my father's death and my overachieving, extremely competitive personality, I couldn't trust anyone and nobody wanted to make friends with a hard-core girl like me. Twenty years later now, I learned to trust people and make friends because I believed even I could love someone and be loved. I believed firmly that they were loyal, honest and trustworthy people. However, god might laughing at me now because it turned out that they were not. I refused to think about Burke right now, about how long Kim could have been back, about what they could have done in the on call rooms.

Now I need to focus on myself. Who would take Kim and I? As if to answer my question, a half-asian man in his late forties came into the room. As soon as he came in, his face rang a bell to me. He was the serial killer FBI was looking for all over the states. Taking Asian girls with long ebony curls was his MO. But I don't have a curly hair anymore, why would he choose me? It suddenly came to me that the feeling of someone watching me the other night was not my hallucination. He must be spying on me and stalking me for a few days. But why me?

He seemed to sense my doubt because he was kicking Kim constantly now to wake her up. A painful moan escaped Kim's lips as she slowly came to conscious. Her first instinct was to fight the robes, but she stopped staring at the crazy man and I in horror. Apparently she knew who the killer was as well.

He seemed to enjoy torturing us. "Good afternoon, ladies. You must be wondering why I took you too. Ladies, that was a long story. You should all thank my precious mother. She was a cheeky slut that brought home every man on the damn street. If they were rude to her, she took it out on me." He pointed at Kim furiously and continued, "You, you look just like her. When I was finally on my own feet and came back to get my revenge, she died in your hospital, on that nigger's table. He was the reason I couldn't torture that bitch. So he deserve it."

He then turned to me, "You are that nigger's girlfriend, I saw you kissing outside his car. If you want to blame someone, blame him. He is the reason why I took you." His hysterical laughter was hovering in the small room. Kim stared at me in disbelief when he said I was Burke's girlfriend. I was speechless. I felt numb. He was abused by his mother and when he wanted his revenge, his mother died on Burke's table, so he wanted to torture Burke's girlfriend to get back at him. He took Kim with me because Kim was his MO. This is ironic, a serial killer brought the two woman together, really ironic.

"Aha, I guess you don't know the thing between that bitch and your man. Obviously that bitch was seducing your man all the time. I saw her when I was following him. I won't kill both of you because he will then just forgot about you two and move on. I will do something far more interesting." He smirked and approached Kim.

"What do you want?" Kim was shivering in fear, tears were rolling down her cheeks, her ebony curls shaking along with her. "Don't be afraid, sunshine. Take a guess, if I told him to choose between you two, which one will he choose? If only one of you get to live, who will he choose?" At that moment, Kim shoot a sideway glance at me and we both knew what the psycho wanted for the first time we came into the room. He wanted to ruin Burke. Whoever he chose, he would have to live in remorse because he killed one of us. And he would never get to be happy and content with the survival because he will live in guilt forever.

"Wait for him, the show is on in no time. He should be on his way now. Since you're his girlfriend, I will play around with you first." He put on his evil smile and slowly walked towards me. Every footstep he took was stepping on my heart. I tried to escape, but I was cornered. I could feel his hand sliding through my tops, ripping my jeans off me. Just as he was about to rip my panties off, Kim's shaky voice stopped him, "Wait, took me first. You want your mother right, I look like her. Took me." She even licked her lips and stuck out her chest to show her boobs. I was stunned. Why did she do that? Kim looked at me right in the eyes with the saddest expression I've ever seen- I could see empathy, love, guilt, self-sacrifice and determination in her eyes. In the split second I understood. She was doing this both out of love and guilt. She was guilty that Burke lost his girlfriend after they were caught in bed. She loved Burke too much to make him lose another girlfriend again. At that moment, I felt bad for her because we were desperately in love with the same man. At that moment, two strangers or rivals were connected. At that moment, before the psycho could do anything further, Burke barged into the room.

"What do you want? Let go of them, you want me, you can do anything you want to me. They're innocent, let them go." Burke was begging him. That was the first time I saw Burke begging someone. I wanted to look at him in the eyes, I wanted to feel his touch to wash over the nausea brought by the killer, but I couldn't stand to look at him right now. I don't know if it was because I felt hurt by his betrayal or if it was because I was scared to hear his choice. I wanted to look him in the eyes and tell him to pick me, choose me, love me like Meredith once did, but I couldn't. I couldn't talk to Burke right now, I couldn't put the life of the woman who just saved me in danger. So I just stared at the ground, waiting for my karma to come.

"Here you come. The great Preston Burke. Don't be in such a haste. We have plenty of time to play this game. We are going to have so much fun. Now you have a choice to make. Only one of these two will live. And it depends solely on you. Be my guest, it is all on you now." The room was filled with his crazy laughter again. I glanced up and saw Burke's jaw clenched, his hands fisted. Rage and glassiness walled up in his eyes. Silence filled the room again. Neither Kim Nor I said a word.

"I chose Katey. Let her go." Never in my life have I heard his voice so clearly. He said he chose her. I poured my heart out to him, he stumped on it and smashed it to pieces, twice, over the same woman. Everything afterwards became a haze to me. I barely remembered hearing the killer's laughter again, the sound of Burke throwing him to the ground and kicked the gun out of his hands and the sound of police intruding in. I felt every bit of energy in me was consumed and conked out. A Bout De Souffle, the famous film, I finally understood what it felt like.

 **A/N** : I know you guys might be mad at me for making Burke choose Kim. But if this was a choice for Derek to make, would he watch Addison die in front of him? I guess not so it would be the same with Burke. He could take a bullet for Cris to make sure nothing happened to her (of course he didn't in this chapter, nobody is physically injured in this accident). But if he were to choose again, I believe he will make the same choice over and over again. And that is the charm of men in SGH, they had an incredibly soft spot in them despite their arrogance. Feel free to PM me if you think differently.


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20 Selfless and expandable

Leighton Meester's 'words I couldn't say' was floating in my mind when I was writing this chapter, I highly recommend you guys give it a try.

Disclaimer: GA and all characters belong to Shonda and ABC.

 **Fiona's POV**

Surrounded by the humming and beeping of the machines, I blinked my eyes trying to adjust to the sparkling light. Memories of previous night flooded back, I felt as if the wind was knocked out of me. A warm and large hand was gripping my hand and I knew exactly whose hand it was without even looking down at him. Glancing around, I realized I was in seattle grace again. Even after several months of absence, I could still find my way around. I reached out to the counter carefully to get a hold of the water. Burke was alerted by the movement of my body, his eyes fluttered open. At the moment my eyes locked with his, I tilted my head to avoid his gaze, letting the black curtain of my hair falling around my cheek.

"Cris, do you still feel dizzy right now?" He whispered his fingers across my hair. I stiffened at his touch and pulled away from him instantly. I could still feel the crazy man's touch all over my body. I wanted to escape from everything and just took a shower to wash over his trace. I didn't say a word or answer his question. I was not ready to face him, not yet. I'd rather be in Kim's room than be together with him. What a topsy-turvy world I was in.

"Please, Cris, talk to me. You can blame me or be mad at me, whatever you want. I just need to know that you're alright." I remained silent and pressed the buzzer tucked into the bed. In a minute, Olivia came in. She was confused why she was needed despite the presence of an attending but she took a look at the chart and asked anyway, "How can you help you, Miss White?"

"For starter, get him out of my room. I don't want to see him or Meredith Grey in my room during my stay. Secondly, you can tell me where Katey Kim is and discharge me now." I pointed at Burke and gestured him to get out of my room.

"There must be some misunderstanding here, Dr. Burke is an award-winning doctor and I'm sure he can take good care of you..." Olivia was stunned at my resistance to Burke's presence.

"It's ok, Olivia. I'm leaving now." He stood up from his chair, ran a hand over his face. He sway a bit and nearly tiptoed himself over the floor on his way out. Watching him suffer hit me right in the core, but I'm too busy gluing my pieces together to care about his feelings. He deserved that.

"Um...Miss White, Dr. Kim was currently in room 2809, I understood your concerns about her since you're in the...together, you can drop by and pay her a visit. As for discharge, we couldn't discharge you until we evaluate your condition. Since you denied the service of an attending and a resident, I have to ask do you have someone specific on your mind to evaluate your conditions?" Olivia snapped at me, obviously angry that I have thrown her superior out of my room in her face. _Right, I forgot, nurses love arrogant Dr. Burke._

"Tell Derek Shepherd to get his ass down here." I ordered the nurse, too exhausted to pick up a fight now. "As you wish, Miss. White." Olivia walked away with a strange expression on her face. _She's probably wondering how I knew so many doctors in this hospital._

If I had a choice, I wouldn't speak to Derek right now. He and Burke were two peas in a pod. If he hadn't told Meredith not to tell me about Kim, maybe none of this would have happened. The pain I felt after hearing the the love of my life abandoning my life still hit me like a lightning bolt. I felt butterflies in my stomach and thick mucus constricting my airway. I would have been raped if Kim hadn't stood out for me. It was hilarious in every possible way that the one should stood out for me didn't choose to save my life whilst the one I detested became my scapegoat.

"I'm sorry, Fiona, I really am. If I had known something like this would happen I wouldn't..." Derek's word was cut off by me question.

"If it were Addison and Meredith over there and you can only choose one, who would you choose?" Judging by his stunned face, he was caught off guard by my analogy. _But I have to know. Every damn man in this hospital were alike to a certain extent. They may not see eye to eye all the time. But when it came to a decision, they would make similar one. So I need to know_.

"I...I don't know. I want to tell you I would choose Meredith but honestly, I don' know. And I wouldn't have an answer unless I was thrown in that situation. Meredith was worried about you. You should at least let her see you. It's not her fault not to tell you. I made her promised not to tell you. So if you have anyone to blame, blame me." I could see the answer in his navy blue eyes. He would make the same choice. He would choose Addison.

"Say it like you mean it. Yes, you're a jerk for making her hiding this from me. But your action didn't hurt me because you're not my person. She is. She should always be on my side whilst she took Burke's side. So tell her I'm done with her." I snapped at him in anger.

"I know it's not my place to say anything but Burke loves you..." He said hesitantly.

"If he does he has a hell of a way showing it. My entire world tilted at its axis when he told the psycho he chose Kim. I couldn't believe he did this to me the third time. I used to be emotionally closed off and full of deep-seated irrational fears of human intimacy and physical contact. But I became this selfless woman when I met him. I was selfless. I did everything he asked of me. Yet I was expendable to him. Being his girlfriend I lost every piece of me. He turned me into that sobbing girl. I am not that girl. Cristina Yang is a lot of things, but crying over a man is never one of them." I hoped he could tell Burke what I said. I knew he would.

"Ok, I guess I should keep my mouth shut. You know the drill. I'll run some tests to see you are ok despite the shock and dehydration then you can be discharged." He then started to flash the lights into my pupils.

After Derek confirmed that everything was ok, I perched myself to the hallway while waiting to be discharged, debating whether or not I should come to see Kim. emerging from the staircase, the scene caught my eyes. A redhead with scattered and wild curls walked out of an on call room with Evil Spawn and they headed to the opposite directions pretending that nothing happened. Oh, great. Bailey would be outrageous if she found out another of her intern slept with his boss. And Addison chose to sleep with Alex of all people? Seriously? Just as I turned to the corner again and was about to leave, I saw a man locking his sight at the direction Addison just left, with sad goofy eyes. That was Mark Sloan, I knew him from the journal. Also, thanks to Meredith, I was updated about the Derek-Mark-Addison triangle. Poor Mark Sloan, another heartbroken victim from betrayal. Sound like he was not the heartless man whore everyone referred him to.

I went on with my trip exploring the hospital. I would do anything to take my mind off Burke and Meredith. This place used to have only two places that spoke volumes to me - the OR that provided me with surgery and the cafeteria that provided me with food. I walked pass the nurse station, a male intern fainted beside the desk probably due to hypoglycemia. Lucky for him, there were several female interns around him. They wheeled him to the ER in excitement to treat a patient from beginning to the end. I witnessed them putting a catheter into his urethra soon before he woke up and moaned in pain. Jeez, these stupid interns craving for any practice really cheered me up, reminded me of the days when I was a real intern in France, hoping my fellow interns would suffer from appendicitis so that I could do an appy on him.

I stared at the surgery board. I've always enjoyed watching the surgery board. Only by looking at it and approaching the OR, I felt pure joy and content. But now looking at the surgery board, the first thing that came to mind was how the killer's mother died on Burke's table and how he touched me with his hands and put his gun at my waist. I used to feel a high and rush stepping into the hospital. But now I only felt cold sweat dripping down my face and my hands trembling in fear. I used to show off to Meredith and Izzie I had it all - a thriving career and a steady relationship. In a split second, over the night, I lost both of them. Hospital and OR were not my playground anymore, they became my nightmare. The man I love chose another woman even if he knew I could die. My best friend kindly ignored to tell me a fact that would most likely change my world. I had nothing. I had nobody.

I went upstairs to the dermatology department. The residents were having small talks when their massage therapist were massaging their hands. One blonde baked a 7-layer cake for the other resident's birthday from scratch. Another resident was blabbing to his fellow resident that his girlfriend was taking him skiing this weekend. Then another resident told her attending that she's leaving early to get a facial, and her attending was happy cause they had to have facials, they were dermatologists. There was the last one dragging at the phone whining about having too much sleep last night.

This was like a whole new territory, no mocking or fighting for surgeries, only warm and light. They rubbed people for a living. They didn't have to hold a scalpel and cut somebody open. They didn't have to face death. They gave patients waters with raspberry while they were waiting. They were completely devoid of blood lust. They didn't need to fight for anything. They wouldn't be kidnapped by a serial killer nearly killed and raped cause their boyfriend was a surgeon. Maybe I could transfer to dermatology. Maybe in that way I could run away from all the crap, no dying baby waiting for me to save, no guns pointing at me, no boyfriend abandoning me.

I finally made up my mind to go and take a look at Kim. That was when I caught sight of a familiar figure at the corner of my eyes. My feet were glued to my spot. Burke was there watching her sleep. I couldn't stand the scene in front of me anymore so I marched into my room, changed my gown, told the nurse to tell Kim that I said thank you and swept my way out of the hospital.


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21 You are the trouble I'm in

Another retrospective chapter. Feedbacks about what you guys think of Mark/Cristina friendship are welcome.

Disclaimer: GA and all characters belong to Shonda and ABC.

 **Fiona's POV**

It has been a month since I was discharged from the hospital. My life has changed in every aspect. I would still let out a scream if someone touched me by mistake, but I'm healing. There was a merger, we became part of SGH. So I'm officially working at Seattle Grace Mercy West hospital under Burke now.

 _30 days ago_

Piles of medical journals were scattered on the sofa. Surgical tapes were exposed to the air. Bath towels were left carelessly on the floor in the bathroom. There was still some coffee left in the coffee pot. The fridge was filled with eggs, vegetables and takeout leftovers. The cereals were still located in the usual spot in the cupboard on the top right side. Everything was surreal, it was like they never left for work, it was like the kidnap never happened. But it did.

Touching the trumpet that was placed at the corner, the peaceful nights when Burke would play Eugene Foote's music whilst I would write my diary or watch surgical tapes emerged in front of my eyes. We had our moments. I used to think love was enough for the fire to last. Now I knew, love was not enough. As much as I loved Burke, when the hurt in this relationship outweighed the joy, it was time to let go. So I packed some of my clothes and other belongings as quickly as I could. I left the lease, the key and his lucky scrub cap on the table and left my apartment. With the suitcase in my hand, I turned my head, looked at the building shining under the light for one last time and left.

"Could you check for me whether there is still single room available?"

"Sure, just a minute, Miss."

I was standing at the reception of Hilton and waiting for a room when I saw a frowning Mark Sloan pacing towards the reception desk, putting his hand around the shoulder of a young lady, flirting with her and letting out a hysterical laugh. I couldn't help but felt we were alike. He put on a happy face, went out and screw random women to prove he was not broke by a woman. I kicked myself out of my apartment, living in a hotel to avoid the man who broke my heart. He used his man whore exterior to hide his kind interior. I used my sarcastic exterior to hide my fragile interior. We were like onions, people said we were pain in the ass cause they couldn't stop their tears when peeling us. But the layers were our self-protection cause we had been through hell.

"Sorry, Miss, we don't have any single or double room left." I tilted my head towards my left side, obviously Sloan was checking in for a double room. I cleared my throat, satisfied to see that I gained his attention and whispered playfully into his ear, "I saw Addison and Alex in the on call room. You lied to her just to make her feel better. Let me check in with you or I'll tell her your little secret." He stared at me in disbelief and gave me one key to his room. He got rid of the random woman and dragged me into the elevator.

He laid his fingers in my hair, exhaled his breath to my face and asked, "So, what do you want from me to keep your lips sealed? How about a kiss?" I tossed him aside and snapped at him, "Don't touch me and watch your distance! I'm not trying to get into your pants. There was no room available and I didn't bother to switch a hotel, that's all."

Sloan seemed pretty surprised to hear my rejection. This was probably the first time he heard 'no' from a woman. He put on his seductive smile and tried to hit on me again, "Come on, don't be so tense. Perhaps a little episode would cheer you up. Consider this a payback for your room fee."

"Back off! Enough with the attitude. I would not be your rebound girl or replacement for Addison. I'm done being someone's replacement." I barged out of the elevator and swept my way into the room. A minute later he came in as well, leaning his back against the door and hissed at me, "You realized you're annoyingly grumpy right? You basically forced me into lying on the same bed with you and now you're accusing me of getting into your pants."

"No, we are not lying on the same bed. I'll call the reception to add another bed. We were either abandoned under a threat made by a crazy guy or cheated on by the best friend's adulterous ex-wife claiming to test your commitment. So I figured we could use an accompany." I stated matter-of-factly.

"You have a hell of a way to rub the words in my face. Hold on, you are Burke's girlfriend, the cardio surgeon working in Mercy West, the one stayed in the entrepot together with Katey?" He escaped from his own misery and began to investigate mine.

"Not stayed, kidnapped. Jeez, I should have known better, the gossip mill of Seattle Grace. Yeah, he chose Kim's life over mine. Laugh at my misery as you want." I put my hands in the air and protested.

"I'm sorry for being insensitive. You can stay as long as you want. I'm not kicking a miserable girl out." He stopped laughing and apologized sincerely.

"I guess a thank you is in the way for the most truthful, devoted and dedicated man I've ever seen." We glanced at each other and both burst into laughter at my ironic comment.

Later on that night, he told me about how his 400-dollar-per-hour psychiatrist told him under his confident exterior, an extremely self-contemptuous interior was hidden. He also told me about how he fell for Addison at first sight but just like every decent girl in his life, Addison was into Derek. I told him my story with Burke including the tremor but omitted the later past. Normally I wouldn't share something like that with someone I met for the first time. But at that night, I needed to tell someone the story and he needed someone to listen to his story too. He told me how people always thought less of him compared to Derek so he made everything Derek ever wanted or dreamed of became his wishes and dreams as well. They shared the same taste for woman, the same dream house, the same dream job. Even so people still thought less of him cause he chose the 'easy' plastic specialty whilst Derek chose the challenging neuro specialty. I was surprised by his struggle growing up under Derek's shadow. He was surprised by my epic ups and downs with Burke. Sharing the secret past lift the burden off from both of our shoulders. From that night, Mark became my male version of bestie.

 _28 days ago_

"Fiona, please, just listen to my explanation. I said I chose Kim because he was closer to her at the time. She would be the first target he hurt. I was making the rational decision. I wasn't choosing her life over yours or throwing away your life. I wouldn't let anything happen to you, I love you, you know that." Burke was bugging me with his explanation, following me on the way to the parking lot. Though I switched my cell phone number and moved out, I still couldn't get rid of him because he knew where I worked. _So it's Kim now not Katey cause he knew I was pissed? I don't know that. I knew he did love me, but love was just not enough. Why couldn't he just accept the fact that we were done?_

I ignored his attempt to talk and refused to talk to him. I opened the door to the driver's seat. Before I could get in, he grabbed my arm, dragged me to the other side of the car and pushed me to the copilot seat. He then hopped onto the driver's seat and locked the door. This time I was forced to talk to him.

"What the hell? Dr. Burke, get off my car!" I was taken aback by his rackless move.

"Not until I show you a place. You can't run away from me anymore. Please, just one place. After this, I wouldn't bug you anymore." He pleaded with pain in his voice. I didn't give him any respond so he took that as an approval and drove me to SGH. _What the hell was he thinking? Show me the place with our memories and I'll just fall back into his arms? He really think so little of me?_

He took me to the central supply room, where I used to play around with surgical tools, where he first asked me out for dinner. This was our place. We used to just stood there against the wall and had mind-blowing sex. Came to think of it now, it might just be the thrill of being caught by the scrub nurse.

"Cris, this is our place. When you were covered by the white cloth lying on the gurney, I couldn't breathe. You were my air. I didn't know how much you meant to me until I lost you." _Here it goes._

"Funny, cause you chose to withdraw air from your life and you didn't seem so upset about it, wise choice for a doctor." I replied coldly. I was determined to end this.

"Of course I was, I was devastated. But I couldn't just let her die. I would do that even if she was just a stranger, let alone she was the one I once shared my love and soul with. If there's any chance anything could happen to you, I wouldn't have made that choice. I knew you would be upset but I made the choice anyway cause I thought you would come around. I was making the right call!" He gushed over his choice.

"You know what, you're always right, you get to do anything, it is always about you, you get whatever you want. You get to punish me at work for being a bad girlfriend. You get to tell the chief of surgery that we were in a relationship so everyone could gossip I got to scrub in all the surgeries just because you favoured me. You got to accuse me of something you thought I did and gave me silence treatment for weeks. You got to cheat on me and chose the same woman again right in front of my face, claiming you were only making the right choice. You're right, she was the one you shared heart and soul with. She's the one, not me." I stepped back, not believing he was actually insisting that he was right choosing Kim.

"No, that's not what I meant. You're the one. I love you and I know you love me too. We can get through this. You can punish me to do anything. Please don't leave me." He took a leap towards me and clung his hands to my cheek.

"At that OR, you said you couldn't think when I was there. That was the sweetest thing I've ever heard. To me, hearing 'I love you' from you even terrified me a bit. I am the kind of person full of deep-seated irrational fears of trust, especially trust towards man. So to me, the most romantic words were 'be with you' instead of 'I love you', they were 'I couldn't think when you were present' instead of 'I love you'. But you showed me crystal clear that you could make rational decisions with my presence. Now I'm painfully aware that I'm always gonna be your second choice, second to your career, second to Kim, and as you just confirmed, second to a stranger. I couldn't be the second choice, I was too good for that. I deserved to be the priority. So no, love is not enough, punishing you is not enough, nothing is enough anymore."

"I promise you I won't put you second anymore, from now on, you will always be on top of my list." I closed my eyes at his words. Those words were so beautiful. I was longing to hear that for so long. He placed gentle kisses on my eyelids, not willing to let go of me.

"It's too late now. Remember what I told you, you have only one last chance, don't blow it. I couldn't trust you anymore. Even if you promised, even if you would really carry out your promise. I will always have doubt. I will always have fear. And I don't want to live in fear and doubt. You were right, Burke, you made the right choice, it was the right call for everyone. It's me, it's my problem. Goodbye, Burke."

I cupped his chin and melted all my emotions into a kiss. We kissed until we couldn't breathe. Tears were streaming down our faces. We both knew this was the end. He pulled me into his embrace and murmured, "I will always love you, but I have to let you go." We stayed in the same gesture for 20 minutes until I ran a hand over his face and finally composed myself to leave.


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 22 You are out of my life

Thanks for the follows and favourite. In this AU, Mark didn't come to SGH until Cristina was in the accident. And I know switching major may require a re-do of 5-yr fellowship, but for the sake of plot I'm going to make this transfer quick and easy.

Disclaimer: GA and all characters belong to Shonda and ABC.

 **Fiona's POV**

 _20 days ago_

It had been 8 days since I broke it off with Burke. I couldn't go into the OR anymore because I would freeze or overturn the tray. Last week I even hid under the table cause the scrub nurse dropped a scalpel to the ground and it startled me. I had a million-dollar phase 1 clinical trial await. I saved a baby that every other doctor thought was in the point of no return. I was on my way to change the face of medicine. I had just rekindled with the man I was madly, completely and utterly in love with.

And now they were all ruined by one person, one moment, one night. Now I pushed my boyfriend away, and he left just like every other man in my life. Now I couldn't operate anymore. The place that used to my beloved paradise now became a torture. It was funny cause I'm in Burke's shoes now. Half a year ago, I couldn't understand his grumpiness over his tremor. I couldn't understand why he questioned me whether I would still love him if he couldn't be a surgeon anymore. Back then I didn't give him the answer he wanted because I didn't understand why he always wanted an answer from me. But now I do. Now I understand that being a surgeon defined who I was. This job was my everything.

For some women like Izzie, this was just a job, it could be replaced cause there would always have another job. For some women, they could quit their surgical training and be a house wife to support the family. But for me, my career came first. I sacrificed everything to come this far. However, my career betrayed me as well. I couldn't hold a tenth blade in my hand without cold sweat in my hands. Every day I walked pass the hallway and I could hear nurses gossiping and making fun of my arrogance. Every day I referred my patients to the other doctors cause they deserved a surgeon, not a fellow that couldn't even hold a scalpel. So I asked to be transferred to dermatology, I even retook my boards.

"Fiona, are you absolutely sure about this? I mean...PTSD is normal and I'm sure the chief would be willing to give you some time off to adjust yourself. There's no need to transfer, let alone to dermatology. They applied lotion for a living!" Dr. Thomas was stunned by my application to transfer. Though he was the one to drag me out of the table, though he was the one that seen the damage the kidnap done to me, he had never pictured me as the scared little girl running towards the house for shelter as soon as the storm came.

"Dr. Thomas, I appreciated your help, I really do. But I don't to talk about it." He was a good mentor, so good that I even called him 'pops'. He tried his best to soothe me. But there's nothing he could do now. Some wounds just had to left open in order to heal.

"I had been there before. I was in a plane crash. Nobody survived except for me. I didn't tell anyone here." He stated matter-of-factly.

"Well, I guess I should say 'thank you, I feel sorry for your loss'?" I tried to make a joke to lighten the mood.

"Okay, it's time. I'm going to tell you the most liberating thing you're going to hear in your life: no one is thinking of you, which should be a relief, because it's your life. They would show their compassion, but no one would really feel the same as you do. So do whatever you want, just stop indulging yourself in the self pity and go save lifes."

"What I want to do now is go to the dermatology and rub lotion into people." I snapped at him and walked away, leaving a speechless Dr. Thomas behind.

 _15 days ago_

I was at Joe's, waiting for Mark to come for a drink. No more girl's night and tequila. Now we drank scotch and talked about our patients and miseries. Mark was a good guy. He might be a playboy but he was loyal to his friends. He was the only support I had in the past 15 days. It was ironic once you thought you had a perfect man and a perfect friend, but it turned out nobody was perfect, especially when it came to a choice.

"Hey, beautiful." My thought was interrupted by the one and only Mark Sloan approaching the stool.

"Hey, man whore." I replied his greeting. In the corner of my eyes, I saw Burke came into the bar with Addison. He was shooting sideway glances at me while Addison was clearly staring at Mark. Mark felt my sight fixed at his back and turned his head to see who was coming into the bar.

"You know what, Burke is totally gonna think we're friends with benefits cause I'm Mark Sloan. When I wanted a girl, I always got them." He was rotating his glass with one hand and twisting his fingers with the other hand.

"Oh yea, except someone couldn't rise anymore except when facing Addison, and by the way, you did get Addison until she found you naked with the peds nurse...what's her name again? Charlene, right?" I sipped my scotch.

"Dr. White, we all have things we don't want to talk about. How about you tell me why you quit cardio and transfer to dermatology? You could have come to plastics, you know, you do have meticulous hands." He playfully place his fingers across my hair and put a strand back to my ear.

"Ok, point taken, too soon for the joke." I gulped my drink and gestured for Joe to add another one shot.

"You shouldn't have pushed him away. You only met this kind of love once in your lifetime, once you met him, you should never let go." He signed heavily and gulped his single malt scotch as well.

"Said by someone who lied to the love of his life to set her free." I tilted my head to gave him a death glare.

"I was just thinking if you could work out with him, then maybe Addie and I still have a chance." He stared at the wall.

"Don't drag me into this. Just tell her you didn't cheat on her. Just tell her you love her. You betrayed your best friend, took all the faults and dropped everything to move to seattle to chase her. Just because you cheated on her doesn't mean you're going to be a man whore your whole life. Just tell her to give you another chance. Jeez, she must one hell of a woman to have Mcdreamy and Mcsteamy." _I was starting to be jealous of her. What's wrong with me? Envying a woman in pink scrubs? But then again, I'm in rose scrubs now as well_.

"That she is. Well, I'm gonna take this as my cue to excuse myself." He gestured his glass to my back and headed towards Addison. I looked over my shoulder and found Burke with his brow knitted together.

"Seriously? Mark Sloan?" He gripped my hand tightly and dragged me out of the bar. He pushed me towards the wall and rested his forehead against mine.

"I thought I was patient. I waited and waited for you to change into this perfect woman for me. Now I know I shouldn't expect you to change. If I really love you I should accept your flaws because they define Cristina Yang."

"I am not Cristina Yang anymore. I was always the smartest student, regularly besting the boys in class. Years ago I was completely disengaged from my feelings. I was not that girl who was blindly infatuated with her mentor." Saying these words were excruciatingly painful, even more than I expected.

"I'm blindly infatuated with you as well. Why can't you just let me love you? We can put everything behind and..." He trailed off and moved his lips towards mine. I could feel the heat cranking up in my body, longing for his touch.

"No, Burke, we can't. We don't work. We tried but we were the opposite pole of the earth. We would always come back to this. I would always have doubt and you would always feel sorry." I pulled myself away from him reluctantly.

"It's ok. I don't mind feeling sorry." He clung to me and wouldn't let go of me.

"It's not. You would regret saying so in no time. Burke, some people are just not meant to be. We tried and we had fun. I'm going to leave now because I don't want to make you see me cry." I pushed him aside and ran towards the streets. I stopped at a corner he couldn't see and broke down into sobs.

 _13 days ago_

"So, Dave, I could see your main concern is the severe acne problem. Have you thought of doing a skin peel or an intense pulse light treatment to shrink the pores?" I asked the patient sitting in front of my desk with all the patience I had.

"Um...what is the difference?" He asked. _If he were a girl, he should have known pretty well about all those treatments. I even had a patient yesterday giving me a list of cosmetology to explain to her which one would be her best option. What's wrong with these patients? They just googled everything and thought they would be an expert in the field_.

"OK, the difference is..." My explanation was interrupted by an intern bursting through my office door, "Dr. White, baby Nason is downstairs. He has a complication which caused his IVC to be clotted. Dr. Thomas said you might want to know about it." Nason, complication, these words triggered a lump in my throat. These words could be lethal. "Sorry, Dave, I have an emergency here, I have to go." I dismissed the patient and stumped out of my office.


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter 23 Total eclipse of the heart

Cristina's road to recovery.

Disclaimer: GA and all characters belong to Shonda and ABC.

 **Fiona's POV**

 _13 days ago - cont_

"Ross, run it down for me." I perched myself into the pre-OP.

"He has a complication. We have to repair his IVC ASAP." Dr. Thomas chimed in and answered me.

"Oh then what are you waiting for? He should be prepped ASAP. Are you waiting for the angiogram?" I was confused why they were still waiting and not prepping him ready for surgery. _What can I do for them?_

"Come on, Dr. White. This is your patient. You did his surgery, you started a trial for him, you know him better than anyone else. You are doing this repair!" He ordered me.

"No, I can't do this, you know I can't. I am not even in cardio anymore so I don't have privilege. Besides this is an IVC repair, it's too delicate." I rambled all the reasons I could think of at the moment. I wasn't ready to go back to the OR and I wasn't sure if I ever will.

"Fiona White never flinch at the challenging surgeries. The Fiona I know never ditch her patient cause she's scared to do the surgery. Look at him, you saved his life once. It would take me at least half an hour to read through his files and stats if I want to make sure the surgery goes well. But he doesn't have that much time. He couldn't even wait for an angiogram. If I do the repair, chances are he might not make it. Is that what you want? Is that what I trained you to be?" He snapped at me angrily, trying his best to encourage me to do the surgery.

"I'm not ready, ok? His arteries and vena cava are just one shaky scalpel away from becoming the dancing fountain at Disneyland. I haven't done any surgery in weeks. What if I made a wrong move? It could kill Nason. I don't want to be the one killing him." I felt like I was on the verge of crying. I didn't know why Nason made me so weak and fragile but I couldn't stand the thought that he might be the victim of one misstep.

"You are ready cause you have to be. Nobody would ever be ready for a situation like this. Under the circumstances, you are his best shot. And if you wouldn't even give it a try to save him..." He placed his hands on my shoulder and locked his eyes with mine.

"Fine, I'm ready. Get him to the OR, now!" I inhaled and exhaled slowly, trying to mentally and physically prepare myself. I was his only shot so I had to be ready.

"Right away, Dr. White." Ross ran the gurney to the OR immediately.

"Fiona, I'm proud of you. You've become everything I ever dreamed you to be. You can do this. I would scrub in and assist you." Dr. Thomas still place one hand on my shoulder to reassure me.

"Thank you, pops." I lifted the corner of my lips and tried my best to smile at him.

"Ross, I would like to introduce to you the black mamba- the single trickiest vessel in the entire human body. Delicate, unpredictable." I was lecturing Ross about the IVC to get my thought away from the situation. Feeling the twitches of the vessel in my hands, I felt sweats drooling from the side of my face. _What if I made a wrong move? What if I couldn't follow the curve?_

"Fiona, close your eyes and listen to its song." Thomas sensed my nerve and instructed me.

"What? No, I'm not closing me eyes." I objected not knowing what he was trying to get me into.

"Dr. White, I am the head of the department. When I ordered, you follow. Is there a question? Now close your damn eyes." I closed my eyes, surprised at his sudden outburst.

"Good. Now do you hear the gurgling?" He asked patiently with a calmness in his voice.

"Yea, I do." I could hear the blood flowing in and out of the vessel, like a dynamic canal.

"Ok. Now listen to when the gurgling changed slightly and dance your fingers with the twitch. Listen intently and follow the twitches gently." I could feel his sights fixed on my hands. This is the crucial step. One wrong move, one misstep, and Nason would be dead. My hands moved meticulously with the twitch and finally I felt something. That was the clot.

"What? Did you find it?" Noticing my move stopped, Thomas inquired eagerly.

"Yea, find it. Clamp!" I stretched one hand to the nurse. Thomas and Ross both signed in relief that we did the repair successfully.

After the surgery, Nason was hooked up to all kinds of machines and ventilators again to monitor his stats. Looking at all the tubes zigzagging over his tiny little body, I couldn't help but felt terrified. _Such a little life depended solely on me and my skills. What if my hands shook slightly?_

"Stop doubting yourself. The Fiona White I trained never doubted herself. You did a great job. You overcame your fear for your precious patient. You put the patient over yourself. You're born for this and you shouldn't waste your time in dermatology or any other major. Come back to cardio. This is where you belong to." Thomas laid his eyes on Nason through the glass and asked me to come back.

"You still have a place for me? I just nailed the mamba against all odds cause I'm awesome." I raised my eyebrows at him.

"Don't push it." He shook his head against my gloating and scurried down the hallway. I smirked at his comment and thanked him silently for forcing me to conquer my PTSD and back to my beloved OR.

 _10 days ago_

After the successful IVC repair three days ago, I was permitted to get back to my cardio fellowship programme. I was ecstatic to get back to the OR and grateful for Thomas's help. It was his sharing of his secret and his encouragement that carried me through the catastrophe in my career. Words were spreading fast that our hospital - Mercy West was going to merger with SGH. I was trying to avoid the rumour as much as I could because if the news were true, it would mean that I had to face Meredith and Burke every day in my work. Let alone my other fellow interns, they didn't know about my return yet. Should I tell them who I was? Or should I pretend to be their boss who never knew them before? Chief Parker was trying to force Dr. Thomas to step down because there wasn't enough budget to hire him through the merger. We were in the middle of this surgery to prevent the patient to grow an aneurysm again.

"Sternal retractor." I instructed the nurse.

"Retractor." Thomas ordered the scrub nurse from my opposite side. "Here you go."

I cut open the pericardium and exposed the vessels. "These vessels are so fragile. Let's go gently." I looked at Thomas for reassurance and he nodded at me. We went on with the surgery smoothly. We were a good team.

"If this continues to go this well, I'm prepared to put your name first." Thomas said to me, not looking up from the patient's chest cavity.

"When we publish? That's big of you." I glanced up at him and continued my move.

"It is." He admitted.

"You know what? You need it more than I do. This could be your last journal article." I didn't stand on egg shells around him. He needed to develop a clear understanding about the situation.

"Is that your version of 'Thank you'?" He replied. I could hear the ease in his voice.

"No, it's my version of 'This is the end, get while the getting's good.' " I gave him my usual sarcastic and bitter comment.

"Thank god I never had children. They would be just like you. I'd have drowned them like the puppies in the river." "Haha." I laughed at his joke whilst he continued his suction.

"Oh, come on. I'm your dream come true." I moved my sight to look at him and teased him.

"That...is the truth." His green-greyish eyes met my brown eyes through his lens, his tone serious. _Why is he so gentle to me today? He doesn't usually praise me like he does today. Is there something up that I didn't notice? It couldn't be, don't jinx it. I told myself repeatedly and focused on the surgery_.

"You're gonna make me gag." I put my blade aside and switched a surgical instrument.

"Don't be crass. Women of your generation think they have to be crass or no one will believe their strength. You're fighting a battle that women of my generation have already fought for you, so you could have the grace to appreciate their work and move on to something else." He put one hand in the air and waved it to prove his point whilst we were putting the stunt in the aorta.

"Yeah, I'm still gagging. You know what? These sutures aren't holding. Can I have another 4-0 prolene, please? Mm-hmm." I didn't want to continue with th e small talk so I changed the subject. _This small talk was making me feel uncomfortable. I knew this could be his last surgery but he was acting like this was the last time he would ever going to have the chance to talk to me_. I made a mental note to myself that I would take to the chief later about the budget.

"Watch your dissection and don't hold your breath." He instructed me.

"Now you're gonna tell me when to breathe? " I questioned him, not believing what he was telling me to do.

"You hold your breath when you stitch. When you stop breathing, you stop thinking. It's a mistake." He pointed one finger to his temple and emphasized his point.

"I'm breathing." I signed deeply and indicated to him that I followed his instructions.

"Slowly. Not like an anxious hyena." I rolled my eyes at his inappropriate analogy.

"My name will be first." He said all of a sudden.

"Saw that coming a mile away." I put the right angle clamp on the tray.

"You will be the surgeon of your generation. I know that as soon as I met you. People will try to diminish you as they did me and they will fail. I would like it to be known in the medical community that I helped train you. Hmm?" _What was his problem? He said the similar thing back when I started my clinical trial. Why was he telling me this again?_ I stared at him in owe before coming up with a reply. "Okay. Your name first."

"The clamp's coming up. Can you adjust it?" I asked Thomas whilst requesting for scissors. With no response from him I asked again, "Can you reach it, pops?" Still no response, I glanced up and saw him staring down, standing still.

 _Something was going on_. "Dr. Thomas?" I asked him again, this time stopping the move at my hands. He slowly looked up and met my eyes with sluggish movements, almost like he was having a dull ache somewhere in his body. _Wait, was this what it's all about? Because he was having a condition? A stroke, a heart attack, a thrombus?_ As if he was confirming my ominous presentiment, he fell backwards in slow motion and hit the back side of his head hard on the floor. I was stunned and couldn't move my eyes of him. Just in cue, blood started to spill out of the artery cause the clamp came up. _Damn it! OK, calm down, don't panic_. I mentally reassured myself and started to stop the bleeding in the patient's artery.

"Move! Someone get to him. Page Parker!" I shouted at the nurse.

"What's going on?" I asked the nurse.

"I don't have a pulse." The nurse replied in panic.

"Get a crash cart." At that moment, I wished I could tear myself apart so that half of me could get to him and tried like hell to save his life. But right now I couldn't cause the patient was still on the table, cut open and exposed. Not once in my life have I hated the oath I took for always putting the patient first. Right now, I was just a daughter trying desperately to save her father but failed. It was like the nightmare at that stormy night 20 years ago was repeating itself.

"Grab his clamp. Damn it, I need a better angle." I ordered Ross and tried my best to get the OR under control.

"What's happening? Are the paddles on?" I demanded through the chaotic room. Nurses were rushing inside.

"Charge to 200!" I prayed to god that this would work.

"We're on it. Clear!" Seconds melted into minutes and minutes melted into hours. "Nothing!" The nurse finally replied.

"What the hell?" Parker swept his way into the OR.

"He collapsed in the middle of the surgery. We already shocked him once. Charge to 300." I explained to him.

"Why is this surgery even happening?" Parker was still pissed at us for proceeding with the surgery unauthorized.

"Don't worry about that right now." I snapped at him furiously.

"Is there a pulse?" I inquired again in angst. Nobody answered me. "Parker, is there a pulse? Someone tell me what's going on." I felt like I was losing control of myself.

"Starting CPR. Deal with your patient, Fiona." Parker's voice came across the chaos and reached my ear. I closed my eyes briefly to compose myself. _Don't hold your breath. You stop thinking, you stop breathing_. I repeated his words in my mind and proceeded with the process. _Breathe. Please, god. Thomas, breathe_. But god didn't hear my pray as usual, I lost the man who was like a second father to me.

The surgery finally ended. I rushed off the hallway, desperate to escape the room where Thomas just died.

"Oh, god. Please don't tell me she's..." The patient's boyfriend saw my face.

"She's okay. She has a strong heart. She should have a long life ahead of her, a long, long life." "Thank you." He hugged me and I faked a smile. Her friends and families were all celebrating her survival. I looked back at the direction of the OR, a kind, gentle and compassionate man just died. _Who would be celebrating for me if I was the one on the table? Who am I left with?_

"Breathe, Dr. White. Don't be crass. You're skulking. Women of your generation are graceless. It's an affront to nature. Mediocre surgeons will see you and feel themselves wilting in your shadow. Do not shrink to console them. Do not look for friends here. You won't find them. None of these people have the capacity to understand you. They never will. And if you are lucky enough, one day when you're old and shriveled like me, you'll find a young doctor with little regard for anything but their craft. And you'll train them like I trained you. Until then, read a good book. You have greatness in you, Fiona. Don't disappoint me." Watching him covered under a cloth and being wheeled away, his deep voice appeared again. Those words were still fresh like yesterday.

"You love me more than anybody has in a very long time. Look, if I'm going, I want to go down fighting for something that I believe in, for this young woman's future, and- and these woman who have so much to live for. You know I'm right. You know she deserves the surgery and we're the best team to do it." _Maybe this is his end. He died fighting for the battle he spent his life in. He sacrificed his family, friends and his life. This is the right place for him to die. This is the end of his journey_.


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter 24 You've got a friend in me

Finally the merger came. Time to work with Meredith and Burke.

Disclaimer: GA and all characters belong to Shonda and ABC.

 **Fiona's POV**

 _5 days ago_

"Cristina, we are over, this time we are really over. He's dating a nurse. He's with Rose and I've got no one. You're still my person even if I'm not yours anymore. I need my person back. I would be at Joe's after my shift ends at 5." Playing the message in my phone, I got Meredith's message. _Funny, now she's thinking about me. She said she wants her person back. I used to think if I murder someone, she would be the one I call to drag the body across the hall. She was my person. Is she still my person? Can I forgive her for choosing Derek over me? I don't know_. So I headed towards Joe's. _At least I could hear what she has to say to me after a month. After all, I'm facing a merger in 5 days which means I would be working with her every day in 5 days' time_.

 _At Joe's_

"Fiona, you came!" Meredith squealed out with shaky voice. _God, how much tequila did she drink?_

"OK, that's enough, you're wasted. I'll call a cab and you'll go home." I tried to drag her out of the bar stool but she wouldn't move her butt.

"No, I don't want to go home. George is all weird with Izzie and Alex has a crazy girlfriend faking pregnant. His ear stud is still in the bathroom. I couldn't sleep on his side of the bed." She growled at me.

"What do you want? You obviously can't drink anymore. You don't want to go home. What do you want?" I was furious at her and I didn't want to stand the whining and continue with the small talk anymore.

"You know what, you're a hypocrite. You died on my watch and left me with I don't remember how much, billions? You broke my heart. You chose a man over your career so much so that you would be an intern and do scut all day for him. Derek is my Burke, he's my Mcdreamy. I chose not to tell you cause I want to salvage your fragile relationship. I had no idea that you would be kidnapped!" She spluttered under heavy breaths. These words must be hovering in her head for nearly a month. She finally let them out.

"I am anything but a hypocrite! I didn't do social graces and I'm arbitrarily hostile cause I'm honest and straight to the point. It's not my fault that I died. I didn't choose to die and break your heart. And it's not your call. It's not your call to withhold information from me and make some lame excuses about salvaging me relationship. You didn't have me back. You didn't do it to salvage my relationship but to salvage yours! So don't you dare put the blame on me." I snapped at her, drop the glass on the counter and set out to call a cab for her.

"I'm sorry. I made a mistake, okay? So what, people make mistakes. People withhold information, hell, the whole hospital is full of deep-rooted secrets. I hid a skeleton in my closet. So what? You didn't tell me anything about your earlier career either. You dumped me alone in the wild and tell me to find Lexie to take over for your place? Nobody could replace you, no one!" Meredith slung her arms across the counter in frustration.

"This is not about Lexie. This is about you, me and Derek. This is about you went behind my back." _Why is she so stubborn? Why can't she just admit that she betrayed me?_

"What do you want from me? You didn't give me a chance. You refused to meet me. You refused to take my call. You refused to text me back. You even moved from your old place. I had no way to reach you. And I apologized. You know what, just tell me what you want me to say and I'll say it." She put her hands up in the air to make her point.

"You just don't get it, do you? You said I'm your person so you should be on my side. I want you to tell me why you were not on my side!" I gulped my tequila and screeched out.

"I WAS on your side. I couldn't have known that you would be kept in the same room with her. You just rekindled the fire with Burke and got your happily ever after, I don't want to ruin that with the news that his ex was back. Sure Kim did want to get into Burke's pants but Burke didn't do anything cause you're the love of his life. He has been through hell and lost you once. He learnt his lessons. He would not cheat on you again so I figured telling you that would do you no good. That was why I didn't tell you, not because your assumption of choosing Derek over you. Derek is the love of my love but you're my soul mate. I would never do anything intentionally to hurt you and you know that." Meredith reached out for another shot. Her eyes glinted with tears.

"So you're buddy-buddy with Burke now? I didn't know you trust him even after he cheated on me?" It felt weird that my person was so friendly towards my guy. I never saw eye to eye with Derek.

"I wasn't. I was so mad at him for wrecking you that I went all my way to torture him. The four of us refused to work with him or scrub in his surgeries, even George was furious at him. Bailey shot him cold glances every chance she got. He lost the respect of surgical staff cause of what he did to you and to his tremors. I even gave him one page of your diary per day to constantly remind him of your absence." Meredith giggled, reminiscing the rough patches she's been through.

"Oh, you did? Burke didn't tell me that." I was astonished at their behavior. I thought George was Burke's guy even after he went to the chief.

"Of course he didn't. He was an arrogant ass. He would never admit that." Her eyes wandered over mine and stated matter-of-factly.

"So what brought you guys close? Babysitting him after the gastrorrhagia?"

"No. He was there mourning over your death with me when you weren't. As much as I hated to say it, he did what he did in a moment of weakness. I mean it has to take two to keep a relationship. You two made your fair share of mistakes. He thought you betrayed him and you never explained yourself. I mean I wouldn't have known where you come from if I hadn't read your diary. You two loved each other. It was a shame that you didn't work just cause you refused to open up to him." Meredith said huskily.

"Funny that statement came from dark and twisty Meredith Grey." I gaped at her in owe. _Meredith Grey talking about importance of opening up and communication in a relationship? She must be so intoxicated_.

"Yeah I'm seeing a shrink. She asked me to repeat to myself 'He's with Rose.' and called me a coward." Meredith gurgled at her own statement like she just heard the joke of the day.

"Calling Meredith Grey a coward? She must be a hell of a shrink." I snickered in amusement.

"Yea whatever. He's with Rose."

"Ok, you dated a vet and he's dating a nurse. Quid pro quo, call it even. No more whining about Mcdreamy and Mclife. Let's get you to bed." I dragged Meredith out of the bar, called a cab and strapped her into the seat. I was content that I got my person back.

 _Timeline back to now- the first day of merger_

The hallway was filled with doctors in yellow and blue scrubs. The colour of the scrubs clearly separated the doctors into two camps: Seattle Gracers and Mercy Westers. I perched myself into the scene of chaos and felt Burke's eyes fixed on my back, poking me in the stomach like swords. I stared at him with mingled feelings of love, hate, anger and sadness until I was greeted by my interns on the day.

"Hi, Dr. White, I'm Lexie and she's Stephanie. We really admired your work on metastatic cardio tumors, it's ground breaking. It's a great honour to work with you." Lexie reached out, intending to shake my hands. I ignored her attempt and gave her a slight nod.

"Okay I guess you all heard about the famous five rules so I won't repeat them again. Since most of you won't make it through residency, I won't waste my time remembering your names. You,1. You, 2." I pointed my finger to Lexie and Stephanie respectively and decided to call them by numbers. Burke beamed at me, taking in my usual grumpiness. I ignored him and went on with my rounds. _Cristina, you're not set out for these mushy feelings. Besides, you're done with him. So don't satisfy him by looking back. Ignore him_.

We swept our way into the patient's room.

"Ok, who's presenting?" I asked.

"I am. Amy Lewis, 6 years old with atrial septal defect (ASD) which is a defect in the septum between the atrials." Lexie presented confidently without looking at the chart.

"Best option?" I continued.

"Regarding Amy's age, interventing catheterization would be the best option for her as it was not surgical. We could insert an occlusion balloon into the defect site via vena cava." Lexie answered my question with lack of interest in her voice probably cause the case was not surgical.

"Ok. Who could tell me where to pay attention to when listening to her heart?" I questioned them further after listening to the little girl's heart sound with my stethoscope.

"Between the second and third rib distal to the sternum in left chest." Stephanie chimed in to impress me.

"Good. You try it." I handed her the stethoscope and gestured her to take over my spot. She listened intently and put down the stethoscope.

"What did you find?" I asked her hoping to hear the correct response.

"I didn't find anything in particular." She didn't seem so sure about her answer.

"Ok, switch. 1, you try." I commanded Stephanie to yield the spot to Lexie. She listened to her heart sound intently as well and frowned.

"What did you find?" I inquired in encouragement.

"I could hear the gurgling sound in the tricuspid valve." She replied.

"A gold star for 1. Needless to say, I assume all of you know what the gurgling sound means."

Both of them scowled in unison. Sure they knew what the gurgling sound meant. It meant the defect between the septum and atrials was relatively large, which indicated that the original treatment plan of transcatheter-closure would not work anymore. The girl needed surgery.

"The ultrasound cardiogram is still in progress, this could be an arbitrary diagnosis." Stephanie muttered. I ignored her and waited for the Debbie to hand over the results.

Debbie finally delivered the UCG result. The result was consistent with my diagnosis- the defect has reached 3.2 cm and catheterization was no longer an option. I glared at Stephanie and she fixed her eyes to the ground in shame.

"Bear in mind, stethoscope is a crucial tool for diagnostics in cardio. I've learnt to do things in a traditional way. This could save a life in extreme situations when you can't do a UCG. 1, scrub in with me. I already booked OR 3 to do this in the afternoon. You'll be the secondary assistant." I declared who got to scrub in and Lexie jumped with joy. _Gosh, was I this hungry of surgery when I was an intern here? Unbelievable, I was one of them 3 months ago_.

"Dr. White, I'm concerned about what I should do as a secondary assistant as this is the first time I got to scrub in?" Before the surgery, Lexie caught a hold of me in the lab.

"Did you even go to med school? This time I'll tell you straight away. Next time, do your research. Since you're only the secondary assistant, all you need to do is to fully expose the atrials and suction like your life depends on it." I was surprised that Lexipedia didn't know this. _Was she just too nervous?_

"Sorry, Dr. White, won't happen next time." She marched out of the lab in frustration. _Wait, was she trying to make a small talk or something? Gosh, people never changed, she was as nervous as she was when we were in med school. Oh, the good old days when I was still the invincible Cristina Yang, not the girl head over heels in love with an arrogant and stubborn ass_.


End file.
